joke thread

I hope these aren't to bad. If they offend anyone PLEASE let me know and I will delete them.;)

Jumping On The Bed


A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her
bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watched
her for a while and asked, "Do you have any idea how
ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I
don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and
the doctor said I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband asked, "What did he say about your 56 year
old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.




A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life
> that when she married, she was to please her husband
> and never upset him. So the first morning of her
> honeymoon, the young Japanese bride crawled out of
> bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her
> husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big
> fart.
>
> She looked up and said:
>
> "Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so
> happy, back hole laugh out loud...

ROTFLMAO

Anna and JadaPit - those were GR8

So funny! Thank you for sharing! Great to start the day with a laugh!
Here is a cute one that was sent to me. :

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v4...2/100_3961.jpg

A Birthday Wish

A man walks into the closet to speak to his wife while she is rummaging through her clothes and asks her what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was!

Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake!

Then it was off to a movie - the latest epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story:

Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

Ten Ways To Get In Shape To Own A Horse

1. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout "Get off,stupid! Get off!"

2. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "Relaxing into the fall". Roll lithely into a ball, and spring to your feet!

3. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse/pocket and write out a $200. check without even looking down.

4. Jog long distances carrying a halter and holding out a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you're doing.They might as well know now.

5. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling it to a halt. And smile as if you are really having fun.

6. Hone your fibbing skills. "See hon, moving hay bales is fun!" and " I'm glad your lucky performance and multi-million dollar horse won you first place - I'm just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place".

7. Practice dialing your chiropractors number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder, and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.

8. Borrow the US Army slogan; "Be all that you can be'...(add) bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled."

9. Lie face down in the mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself: "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience,..."

10. Marry Money!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v4...2/100_3930.jpg
:D

"Attention, Passengers!�
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
* * * * * *
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
* * * * * *
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
* * * * * *
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aeroplane."
* * * * * *
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
* * * * * *
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
* * * * * *
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
* * * * * *
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
* * * * * *
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child...pick your favourite.
* * * * * *
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
* * * * * *
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
* * * * * *
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children."
* * * * * *
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
* * * * * *
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
* * * * * *
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
* * * * * *
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our aeroplane to the gate!"
* * * * * *
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
* * * * * *
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
* * * * * *
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
* * * * * *
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways
******
:D

Taken from one of the daily e-mails of:
http://www.joke-of-the-day.com/

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife
looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"


"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."


"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."


Services will be held at 2:30pm Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.

Two blondes are talking and one asks: "What do you think is closer, Toronto or the moon?"

The other replies quite tersely: "HEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOO, can you see Toronto from here?"

LOL

Assorted answers given by school-aged children to questions about moms:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2 Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. He made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.


What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice
in the world, and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.


What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.


How did your Mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.


What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background, like, is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.


What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.


Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.


What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.


What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.


What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!


Describe the world's greatest Mom?
1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2. The greatest Mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.


Is anything about your Mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children.


What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue


If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

But Most Of All, Remember !

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"

4. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"

6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

8. "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"

9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"

i have a blonde joke.all u blondes out there don't take this personally.


A Blonde and a Coke Machine.


There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mello Yello. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

Electric Chair

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all
immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is

essential that husbands and wives know the things that are

important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you

describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched

his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here.

THE MOMMY TEST


I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," ....I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be
the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

:D:D:D:D - this one had me laughing for quite awhile!!

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that "her body hurts, wherever she touches it."

"Impossible!", says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast, and screams, then she pushes her elbow, and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams, then she pushes on her thigh, and more screaming.
Pushes her ankle, more screams, and everywhere she touches, makes her scream.

Doctor says, "you're not really a redhead are you?"
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so", the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

************************************************** *****************
Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

************************************************** *****************

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

************************************************** *****************

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

************************************************** *****************

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

************************************************** *****************

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer, just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

************************************************** *****************

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

************************************************** *****************

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

************************************************** *****************

Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it; they took it home. There, she counted the money -- fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him. He's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat
was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast
tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth
to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out,
"Oh, my God! Please help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist
hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought
you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!" the man
pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

GOOD HOUSEKEEPING

It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something
closes the door from the inside.

If it walks out of your refrigerator, let it go!

The best mini-vac for an after meal clean up is the dog.

Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

Never make fried chicken in the nude.

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later
you have to start all over again.

If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.

Simplify... hire a maid.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting
my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee
table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets. When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.

The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub." :D

Sad News

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how
much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Do! ugh, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
:D

_________________________________________________


ONLY IN AMERICA:

Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !

Only in America.......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'..

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.



EVER WONDER .....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding,
he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I
tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing
and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a
hard time about it. Those are my rules.

Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:


"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
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Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated
husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"
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Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud
of himself, that he starts calling his wife,

"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and
wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'


His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

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Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he
knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why is wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man
before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

:D :p

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"Actually," said the Director, "A normal person would just pull the plug. So tell me, do you want a room an East view or a West view?"

A Matter Of Outlook

She married him because he was such a "strong man"
She divorced him because he was such a "dominating male."

He married her because she was so "fragile and petite."
He divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless."

She married him because "he knows how to provide a good living."
She divorced him because "all he thinks about is business."

He married her because "she reminds me of my mother."
He divorced her because "she's getting more like her mother every day."

She married him because he was "happy and romantic."
She divorced him because he was "shiftless and fun-loving."

He married her because she was "steady and sensible."
He divorced her because she was "boring and dull."

She married him because he was "the life of the party."
She divorced him because "he never wants to come home from a party."

Roger and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to
renew their vows and planned a second wedding. They were discussing
the details with their friends. Nancy wasn't going to wear a
traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was
planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had
to go with the dress. Nancy replied, "Silver."

At that point, Roger chimed in, "Yep silver - - to match her hair."

Shooting a glaring look at Roger's bald spot, Nancy's friend said,
"So Roger, I guess you are going barefoot."

An attractive young lady was on a plane arriving from Ireland. She
found herself seated next to an elderly priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, what can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem.

I bought myself a new very sophisticated vibrating hair remover for
which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the
declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at
customs. Do you think you could take it through customs for me?"

"Child, I would be too embarrassed to declare and item like that!"

The young lady then said, " Couldn't you hide it under your cassock?

Then no one would ever know." "Of course I could, my child, but you
must realize that I cannot lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you
any questions", and she gave him the worrisome personal gadget. The
aircraft arrived at its destination.

When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father,
do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my
son", he replied.

Finding his reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the
sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument
destined for use and entertainment by women, but which has never been
used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead
Father...... Next!"

:D :rolleyes: :D

Good ones, Lut!

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack,
beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

-----------------
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

-----------------
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

-----------------

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh ! my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

A duck walks into a feed store, looks up at the guy and says "Got any fish?"

Guys says "This is a feed store. We don't sell fish"..
Duck waddles out.

Next day the duck waddles in and says "Got any fish?".

Guy says "I told you we don't sell fish. We sell feed for cows and horses". Duck waddles out.

Next day the duck waddles and and says "Got any fish?".

Guys screams at the duck "I told you we don't sell fish!!! I'm sick of you coming in and asking for it! If you come in here again I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!". Duck waddles out.

Next day the duck walks in and says "Got any nails?".

Guy says "No. We don't sell nails.".

Duck says "Got any fish?"...

One morning, the manager of a large company noticed a new employee and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked.

“John,” the new employee replied.

The manager scowled. “Look, I don’t call anyone by their first name. It leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only— Smith, Jones, Rogers—that’s all. Now that we have that straight, what is your last name?”

The new employee sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

The owner looked at him for a few seconds and then said, “Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is...”

cute jokes, wow this thread has ALOT of replies!!

That was a goodie too, Anna!!

here is another one:

Goodies

Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee...

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash...

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it...

True friends stab you in the front.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

A mistake should not be considered a step backwards, but considered a pause for re-direction.

great Ida

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

I like the joke thread, lol..lol..have to find a couple of my favorites.. :)

Top Ten Signs Your Cat Is Too Fat
Courtesy of The Late Show With David Letterman

10. Gets winded purring

9. Instead of trying to run from dogs, sits on them

8. The Maury people call every darn hour

7. Ears perk up whenever you mention Wendy's Free Fixin's Bar

6. He used 8 lives on heart attacks

5. Cat carrier is a Ford Escort

4. Richard Simmons' cat staged intervention

3. Can only wear cute sweaters from the Big and Tall Kitty Shop

2. Litter box so huge, it has nude bathing section

1. Instead of "meow" he says, "mayo"

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

Bear says: "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest
shivers with fear."

Lion says: "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire
savannah is afraid of me."

Says the chicken: "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet
panics."