:D :D Thanks AmberLee, I was LOL all the way through them! :)
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:D :D Thanks AmberLee, I was LOL all the way through them! :)
OMGoodness .............. too funny! :D
My sister in Ohio sent me these. :D
16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN: by Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential,
that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone
amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as
grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until
they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
*****************
FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY There is more money being spent on
breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by
2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Its been 2 years and 2 months since the day this thread was created, and it still continues to pop up on Page 1!!! :eek: WOW!!!
That was too funny Steffi! :D
I am glad this is still going! Great to have some humor in a major serious world! Great Idea!
Steffi, I loved all of those! I found one that i should have read a long time ago! lol
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.:p
There will be no nursing home in my future.........
When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the
restaurant, or I can have room service ( which means I can have
breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An
extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on
Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship
they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the
Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.
This was sent to me by a friend. Thought you all would enjoy it, too.
;) :p
Pauline, this sounds great to me........can we bring our cats?
How about a Pet Talk Cruise liner?
Here is a "blonde" joke:
Two blondes are sitting outside enjoying a lovely evening with a full moon shining. One asks the other "Which do you think is closer, the moon or Florida?"
The other blonde rolls her eyes and replies, "Duhhh! You can't even SEE Florida from here!" :D
WooHoo!!! I am SO there if we could!Quote:
Originally posted by gini
Pauline, this sounds great to me........can we bring our cats?
How about a Pet Talk Cruise liner?
_@/ snail
@ frightened snail
_@_ tired snail
_@/\@_ snail meeting
_@@/ snails uh...
~@~ flying snail
.o/ baby snail
__/ slug
\/
_@ snail watching TV
_a/ homeless snail
_@/
@
@
@
@ snail living in a high-rise
_A/ snail at vacation home
Sorry if anybody else did this one but I didn't want to read every joke to make sure i didnt copy anybody. I have a couple.
1st joke: There was a little boy and it was the first day of school. His teacher was teaching the class the abc's. The little boy says, "Teacher I have to go pottie!" "Okay," says the teacher, "but first say the abc's." "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz" says the boy. "What happened to the p?" the teacher asked. "It's running down my leg!" you've prbly heard it already and I know it's kind of cheesy, but I thought it was kind of funny:rolleyes:
2nd joke: Why didn't the chicken cross the rode? Because he was a chicken! Ha ha! (corny!)
3rd and last joke: The boys says to his dad, "daddy is GOD black or white" his dad didn't know what to answer so he replies "both son" then he asked "daddy, is GOD a boy or a girl?" his dad didn't know what to answer so he replies "both son" the boy looked shocked. "DADDY! I didn't know that GOD was Michael Jackson! Hope you enjoyed these jokes!
PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
CHILDREN'S SERMON:
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!"
SUPPORT A FAMILY:
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
GRANDMA'S AGE:
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"
FIRST TIME USHERS:
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."
Heres a dorky blonde joke lol
A blonde and a brunette were watching the 6 pm news. The featured story was about a man who was about to jump off of a high rise building. The brunette says to the blonde "I bet you 5 bucks he is going to jump off that building" The blond replies "I bet he wont!"
Sure enough the guy jumps
The brunette says "Well I can't really accept the 5 bucks because I saw this story on the 5 pm news so I knew what was going to happen"
The blonde replies "Yeah, I watched it on the 5 pm news too, but I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump off twice!"
:rolleyes: yeah I know hehe
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise" --Unknown
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." --Unknown
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." --Gene Hill
"In dog years, I'm dead." --Unknown
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." --Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." --Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." --August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the
conversation." --Fran Lebowitz
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul--chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" --Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." --Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." --Joe Weinstein
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." --James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." --Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." --Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." --Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." --Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!" --Dr. Tom Cat
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. --Ben Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." --Edward Abbey
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." --Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." --Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." --Christopher Morley
Here are some real answers to some real questions regarding pregnancy:
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife is in labor?
A. No, not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
Some great quotes, AmberLee!:)
"IS YOUR MOMMY BUSY ??
While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in
bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. I
told him the television was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the
time.
The only problem was the television set was old and would just shut off
for no reason. But, I would just give it a few hard wacks on the side
and it would come back on, which was no big deal...
A couple of days later the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery. I
was trying to get the television to come back on so, my son answered the
door.
The pastor smiled and asked "Is your mom busy, son?
My little one looked up at him and replied,
"No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign outside a restaurant:
Fish $8.95
Fresh Fish $9.95 :eek:
At one of my jobs, my office was near the soldering department. Whenever the supervisor held a meeting he would start it by saying "If you don't understand English, raise your hand."
How about the guy that came in and said, "Could you please look up the number for 9-1-1 so I can call an ambulance?"
Hilarious Classified Ads
.FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
.FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
.GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free
.FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat been out awhile..
Better be reward.
.COWS, CALVES, NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale.
.NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby
.GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.
.NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened used once
.JOINING N UDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300
.FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica
45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
Quote:
Originally posted by AmberLee
Hilarious Classified Ads
.FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
.FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
.GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free
.FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat been out awhile..
Better be reward.
.COWS, CALVES, NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale.
.NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby
.GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.
.NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened used once
.JOINING N UDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300
.FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica
45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
LMAO! 1
:D Thank you Amber Lee ! Those were sooo funny! I almost fell out of my chairlaughing while I was reading them!
20. Government Organization
19. Alone Together
18. Personal Computer
17. Silent Scream
16. Living Dead
15. Same Difference
14. Taped Live
13. Plastic Glasses
12. Tight Slacks
11. Peace Force
10. Pretty Ugly
9. Head B utt
8 . Working Vacation
7. Tax Return
6. Virtual Reality
5. Dodge Ram
4. Work Party
3. Jumbo Shrimp
2. Healthy Tan
1. Microsoft Works
(Although some people like to add Military Intelligence or Corporate Intelligence, too!)
:p ;)
Daddy, how was I born?
DAD SAYS:
Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed
to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither
one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late
to hit the delete button,nine months later a blessed
little Popup appeared and said:
You've Got Male!
Two drunks enter a hotel late at night. They approach the night-
clerk, and one of them says: "Could you pleash give ush a bed with
two rooms?" "You mean a room with two beds?" asks the
clerk. "Whatever, whatever you shay."
So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their
room. After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their
door open. As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and
they are in total darkness. They go forward slowly, and both fall on
the bed closest to the door.
"Ahh," says one, "Now we can get some sleep at last." As they try to
rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone
in their bed.
"Hey! There's somebody in my bed!" says one of them.
"There's somebody in my bed too!" says the other.
"Let's get rid of them. We paid for this room and we're going to
sleep in the beds!" says the first.
They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until
eventually one of them throws the other on the floor.
"ALL RIGHT!!" he shouts, "I've thrown mine off the bed."
"You're lucky," says the other, "I got thrown off and I'm too tired
to fight any more."
"Well, never mind," says the first, "Why don't you just come and
share my bed. Let's get some sleep round here."
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING) ______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade ! from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software
augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2!
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
SIGNS THAT THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE IS NEARING THE END OF ITS WARRANTY
Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now help up by phone book.
Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.
Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.
Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.
Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.
Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.
Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
Ship's dryer indiscriminately shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please with sugar on it".
Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are
exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.
The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the
man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the
crusty old judge, "Your Honor, my client has produced
receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem."
"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.
"Yes" replies the lawyer, "It allows computers to
communicate over vast distances at high rates of
speed. It allows email and something called
cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor."
"Cybersex?" says the judge, "You mean sex through a
modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the
morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event
of nature!"
"Secondly, Your Honor," continues the lawyer, "My client
can produce a receipt for the 12-speed cd-rom."
"12-speed cd-rom?" queries the judge.
"Yes Your Honor, it enables millions of bits of
information to be read off a small disk."
"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex
related... Modern technology and modern society,
baffling, just baffling," comments the judge.
"I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society
these days."
"Thirdly Your Honor, my client can produce a receipt for
the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is."
"That's Model 44, the one with the silicone breasts and real
hair," replies the judge.
er... isn't that ancient? :DQuote:
Originally posted by Maya & Inka's mommy
"12-speed cd-rom?" queries the judge.
There was an American man that had a meeting in France. He met a woman that night and they had their own meeting. While they had sex, she was yelling "Trou Faux". He did not know what that meant, but he assumed it to be a praise. The next day he went golfing with some men he had a meeting with. One of the men made a hole in one. He yelled "Trou Faux". They looked at him and said "what do you mean wrong hole!"
an old joke, but still cute.........
An effusive client brought a litter of golden-retriever puppies to my
veterinary clinic for inoculations. She loved them so much, she
couldn't keep from remarking about their cute habits.
As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their
box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from
the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened
each dog's head when I had finished with their inoculations.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had
grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned
forward and whispered, "I never realized they had to be baptized."
great jokes :D
keep them coming!
Some Country Wisdom
1. Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
2. Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
3. Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.
4. Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
5. A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
6. Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
7. Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
8. Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
9. Meanness don't happen overnight.
10. To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
11. Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.
12. Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
13. Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
14. Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
15. Two can live as cheap as one, if one don't eat.
16. Don't corner something meaner than you.
17. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.
18. Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.
19. It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
20. Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
21. You can't unsay a cruel thing.
22. Every path has some puddles.
23. Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.
24. The best sermons are lived, not preached.
25. Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.
26. Never squat if you are wearing spurs.
The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a reason for the move:
You can't post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie, in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.
;)
Valentine's Cards That Didn't Make It
* I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
but the thing I like best is getting you drunk.
* Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless one day you refuse to swallow.
* I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
* This feels so good, it feels so right.
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
* You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class;
especially when I'm spanking your big, round, fat ass.
* Before I met you, my heart was famished
But now I'm fulfilled
So make me a sandwich.
* Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown
But so's your ass.
* You're a honey and you're a cutie;
I just wished you had J-Lo's booty.
* I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it; I'm horny.
* If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one I gave to your sister.
One Saturday morning a deer hunter gets up early, dresses
quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs
the gun and goes to the garage to warm up his truck and head
down to his favorite hunting area.
He backs his truck out of the garage and discovers the rain
is really pouring down, It is like a torrential downpour.
There is also some snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind
is blowing 50 MPH. He comes back into the house and turns the
TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad
weather all day long, so minutes later, he puts his truck in
the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, he whispers, "The weather out there is really
terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe
my stupid ass husband is out hunting in that shit?"
Hee, hee. I really loved the non-PC valentine verses.
Tried to resist posting a response. It was a pleasant thrill to see 1234 posts in this thread. Oh well, 1235 isn't bad, either!
I'm laughing hard, Maya & Inka's Mom!!!:D
How To Know Whether Or Not You Are Ready To Have Children
Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind couch and leave it there all summer.
Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Try stuffing it into a small net bag, making sure that all the appendages stay inside.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. Still not on your last nerve? Try this:
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these until 4:00 am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.
Automobile Test: Forget the BMW and buy an SUV or van. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove box. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the CD or cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides ot the vehicle. There . . . perfect!
Physical Test (women): Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove about 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Proceed to the nearest food store or toy store, whichever is closest. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it uninterrupted for the last time.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their skills regarding discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and the child's table manners. Suggest some ways they might improve. Emphasize that they should never allow their kids to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
There was some sort of british man that needed someone to paint his porch. Being the nationality he was, when he told the women that painted it, he said "Just give the porsh a nice good 2 coats" When the lady came back, and knocked on the door she said it was a Marcedes, not a porsh. ahahhahah
There was a man and he was a gambler and the only friend he had was a parrot. Since he was a gambler, he always taught the bird bad language so when his buddies came over on Thanksgiving, the bird was bad mouthing them. What the man did was stick him in the freezer for 5 minits. When he took the bird out the bird was saying "I will never badmouth no one ever again but i only have one question" What did the turkey do?
haha get it. thanksgiving, turkey in the freezer, bird in the freezer. ahahahahha
lol, these are so funny!! :D
Got Migraines?
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly .
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache."
ALWAYS get a second opinion...