Rules For Buying Gifts For Men
Rules For Buying Gifts For Men
Rule #1:
When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does
not matter if he already has one. I have a friend
who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man,
you can never have too many cordless drills.
No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him
anything with the word ratchet or socket in it.
Men love saying those two words.
"Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?"
"OK. By-the-way, are you through
with my 3/8-inch socket yet?"
Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything
for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle
of de-icer, or something to hang from his rear
view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.
No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And
never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God
had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't
have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace
the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot
of money buy your man a big-screen TV with PIP.
Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs.
If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years.
Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of
after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink
- they are earthy.
Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills.
Within a couple of weeks there will be labels
absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers.
Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly
required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day
and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron
Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley
RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts
and Sears' Clearance Centers< are also excellent
men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know
what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something
I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford
Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."
Rule #11
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but
they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with
a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks.
"Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12:
Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However,
he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective
of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love
a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to
Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an
aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a
step ladder. It must be an extension ladder.
No one knows why.
Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy
origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says
love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope.
No one knows why.
Wrapping Presents (With a Cat) !)
Wrapping Presents (With a Cat) !)
1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and
close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons,
scissors,
labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping
strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the
drawer since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and
tore paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the
present came out of.
16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now
don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and
retry.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent
sticky tape.
19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky
tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as
neat
as possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's
enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of
losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is
right size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable
room.
29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing
materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door
and re-lock.
31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the
small area of the toilet, but try your best!)
32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully
sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon
and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating
yourself on making good of a bad job.
34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious
conclusion.
36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and
retire
to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the
door is locked.
38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face,
as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly
wrapped
present.
39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap
the
darn thing for you.
Why Dogs Can't Use Computers
Why Dogs Can't Use Computers
-----------------------------------
#10. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
#9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are
out of the question.
#8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
#7. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
#6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that
he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
#5. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
#4. He can't help attacking the screen when he
hears "You've Got Mail".
#3. It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
#2. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.
#1. He can't stick his head out of Windows 98 or Windows XP.
Application To Date My Daughter
I have actually made boys fill this out for my daughter. LOL, it was so funny!!! :D
Feel free to print this out for your own personal use!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history,
lineage, and current medical report from your physician.
Name:________________________ Date of Birth:_________________
Height:_________ Weight:__________ IQ:_________ GPA:__________
Social Security #:___________ Driver's License #: Number:_______
Boy Scout Rank:_________________ Telephone:___________________
Home Address:__________________________________________ ____
City:__________________________ State:__________ Zip:___________
1. Do you have one male and one female parent? ____
If "No", explain:
2. Number of years your parents have been married: ____
Any brothers or sisters? ____
Are they normal? ____
3. Do you own or have access to a van? ____
A truck with oversize tires? ____
A waterbed? ____
4. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____
5. Do you have a tattoo? ____
If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue
application and leave immediately.
6. In fifty words or less, what does Late mean to you?
7. In fifty words or less, what does Don't touch my daughter
mean to you?
8. In fifty words or less, what does Abstinence mean to you?
9. In fifty words or less, what does Real Pain mean to you?
10. Church/Temple you attend: ____________________________
How often do you attend: ____________________________
11. When would be the best time to interview your mother, father
and priest/rabbi?__________________________
12. Please fill in the blanks:
a. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want
wounded would be my ____________________________
b. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would
be my_____________________________
c. A woman's place is in the ____________________________
d. The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is
______________________________
e. When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her
first is______________________________
Note: If answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and leave
premises--keeping your head low and running in a serpentine
fashion is advised.
13. What do you want to be if you grow up?
I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of
my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment,
torture or mental abuse.
Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father _____________________________________
Signature of mother ____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________
Signature of State Representative _________________________
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual.
Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in
writing if approved. If denied, please never apply again. Don't
call me, I'll call you.
Re: Application To Date My Daughter
Quote:
Originally posted by trayi52
I have actually made boys fill this out for my daughter. LOL, it was so funny!!! :D
That is great, I would have loved to have been there when you gave it to them.:D
THE "FORWARDER'S" 12 STEP PROGRAM
THE "FORWARDER'S" 12 STEP PROGRAM
Everyone say it with me...
1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists
if I don't forward an e-mail.
2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an
e-mail.
3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money and Victoria Secret
doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed
to send me.
4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-
mail to more than 50 people.
5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies
from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I
send an e-mail to 10 people.
6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ...
NEVER -- EVER!!
7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I
am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100
for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program
in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old.
He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT
ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.
9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or
whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable
them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers,
characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I
forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!
11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain
individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-
mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES
donations.
12. And finally, I will not let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend.
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out!
60 Things NOT To Say to a Naked Guy
60 Things NOT To Say to a Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
"The First Time's Always the Worst"
"The First Time's Always the Worst"
The first mammogram is the worst. Especially when the machine catches on
fire. That's what happened to me. The technician, Gail, positioned me
exactly as she wanted me (think a really complicated game of Twister -
right hand on the blue, left shoulder on the yellow, right breast as far
away as humanly possible from the rest of your body). Then she clamped the
machine down so tight, I think my breast actually turned inside out. I'm
pretty sure Victoria's Secret doesn't have a bra for that.
Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise. I looked down at my right breast
to make sure it hadn't exploded. Nope, it was still flat as a pancake and
still attached to my body. "Oh no!" Gail said loudly. These are perhaps,
the words you least want to hear from any health professional. Suddenly,
she came flying past me, her lab coat whipping behind her, on her way out
the door. She yelled over her shoulder, "The machine's on fire, I'm going
to get help!"
OK, I was wrong, 'The machine's on fire,' are the worst words you can hear
from a health professional. Especially if you're all alone and
semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's THE MACHINE
in question.
I struggled for a few seconds trying to get free, but even Houdini
couldn't have escaped. I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top of my
lung (the one that was still working).
I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my panic hadn't quite reached epic
proportions. But then I started to smell smoke coming from behind the
partition. "This is ridiculous," I thought. I can't die like this. What
would they put in my obituary? Cause of death: breast entrapment?
I may have inhaled some fumes because I started to hallucinate. An
imaginary fireman rushed in with a firehose and a hatchet. "Howdy, ma'am,"
he said. "What's happened here?" he asked, averting his eyes.
"My breasts were too hot for the machine," I quipped, as my imaginary
fireman ran out of the room again. "This is gonna take the Jaws of Life!"
In reality, Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire.
She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine. "Sorry! That's
the first time that's ever happened. Why don't you take a few minutes to
relax before we finish up?"
I think that's what she said. I was running across the parking lot in my
backless paper gown at the time. After I'd relaxed for a few years, I
figured I might go back. But I was bringing my own fire extinguisher.
The end.
Hope you all laughed as much as I. Now, ladies, get those mammograms but
be prepared.
What's Christmas without trashy jokes???
> A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather
> man named Rudolf.
>
> He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the
> Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and respected
> him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at
> predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the
> prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was
> approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife
> lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and
> prepare for the worst.
>
> After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at
> the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction
> was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she
> said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud
> anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact,
> that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever
> had and it was quite obvious to everyone that it simply wasn't
> going to rain.
>
> He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it
> was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all of his
> Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about.
> She argued that although he came from a proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.
>
> They argued back and forth for hours, so much that they went to
> bed mad at each other.
>
> During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit
> the village the likes of which they had never seen. That morning
> when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and
> saw all the water that had fallen that night.
>
> "See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain."
>
> His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I
> want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?"
>
> To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!"
Signs that tell it like it is
* Convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church"
* Gas Station: "Eat Here. Get Gas."
* Department Store: " Our Credit Manager is Helen Wait. If you want credit go to Helen Waite."
* Headline - Strike Continues: "If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While"
* Classified Ad: Three month old puppies for sale. Half lab / half neighbor's sneaky dog
* Bulldog for sale: Eats anything. Very fond of children.
* Maternity ward: "No children allowed."
* Bakery Truck: "Bimbo Bakery: We got some hot buns."
* Restaurant: "Try our chowder -- it's thick and rich, just like the boss!"
* Bread Company Truck: "The loaf you save maybe your own." "We butter our buns for you." * News Headline: "Autos Killing 110 a Day -- Let's Resolve to Do Better"
* Stuffed fish on wall: "If I had kept my mouth shut I wouldn't be here."
* Restaurant Sign: "Open seven days a week and weekends."
* New York restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."
* New Orleans restaurant Menu: "Blackened bluefish"
* Men's Clothing Store: "15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"
* Propane Company: "Got Gas?"
* Exterminator: "Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts."
* Bread Company Truck: "The loaf you save maybe your own." We butter our buns for you."
* Rib Restaurant: "If you didn't have ribs, you'd fall down."
* Newspaper Headline: "Patient At Death's Door -- Doctors Pull Him Through"
