:D :D :D Good ones! thanks.:)
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:D :D :D Good ones! thanks.:)
101 Ways to be annoying. :D
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual
massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in
public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your
pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder
to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food,
and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark,
17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car
windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to
keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU
think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part
of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue
your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the
listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything
they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers
and "cc:" them to your boss. 23. Make beeping noises
when a large person backs up. 24. Invent nonsense computer
jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to
avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard,
and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance
with prophesy." 27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences,
producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll
be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your
hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink
cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in
a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 32. Holler random numbers
while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are
green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI
copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a
"croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every
show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic
parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat
their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute
whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of
someone's roadmaps. 60. Inform everyone you meet of your
personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson
conspiracy theories. 61. Repeat the following conversation
a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind,
its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for
their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman
smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to
it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by
tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done,
announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the
cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent.
If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the
curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big
one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain
lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the
Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a
parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of
day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great
glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a
Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing
cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens
that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the
faster speed is necessary because of your "superior
mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant
"swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary
friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't
rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then
scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic
picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan"
people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
:) ;) :)
:) :p :)
...another one on cats...
:) :rolleyes: :)
:D :) :D
...last one...
:D
cute! :)
:D :D
:)
I have a few blonde jokes here are some of them. No Offense to the blondes!!
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that...
She called me to get my phone number, She spent 20 min. looking at the orange juice box because it said "Concentrate",
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind,
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order,
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it, She tried to drown a fish,
She thought a quarterback was a refund, She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death,
She triped over a cordless phone, She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept,
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store,
She studied for a blood test, She thought MeowMix was a mixed CD for Cats,
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "air port left" she turned around and went home,
I hope you all liked my jokes!!:D :rolleyes: ;) :D
Just got these today in an e-mail.
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
> 1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
>
> 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
>
> 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
>
> 4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
>
> 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
>
> 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
>
> 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband and that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
>
> 8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
>
> 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .what? .... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
>
> 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
>
A woman stands looking in the bedroom mirror for what seems like an eternity and then turns to her husband who is sitting behind her.
She says - " I'm horrible and fat and ugly !!! Pay me a compliment to cheer me up "
He says - " Your eyesight's spot on "
Miss Meow, I Love this one ........... I got it a few months ago, and it makes me ROTFL everytime ..
Originally quoted by Miss Meow
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Mrs.
Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
borrow. The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog
says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that
it is OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a
substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some
collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as
collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny
pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and
perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to
consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds
the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there
who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use
this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what
the heck is this?"
(are you ready?)
(are you sure?)
(you're gonna hate me!)
The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick knack, Patti
Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."
THE PARKING TICKET
I went to the shop the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a police officer writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, mate, how about giving a man a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a biro sucking d**khead. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse manure. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes...The more I abused him, the more infringement notices he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
NO RICHARD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
** What The New Job-Lingo Really Means **
** JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY - We have no time to train you.
** CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE - We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
** MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED - You'll be six months behind
schedule on your first day.
** SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED - Some time each night and some time each weekend.
** DUTIES WILL VARY - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
** MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL - We have no quality control.
** CAREER-MINDED - Female applicants must be childless (and
remain that way).
** NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE - We've filled the job; our call for
resumes is just a legal formality.
** SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE - You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
** PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST - You're walking into a
company in perpetual chaos.
** REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS - You'll have the
responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
** GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS - Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
I don't know if anyone posted this one,well here's another Blonde joke:
Horseback Riding
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...
...the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"
A beautiful, sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She
gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She
seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he
did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she
asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefingers across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap or paper
towels in the ladies room."
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs that?
"HELLOOOOooooo," answered the blonde. "They are watch dogs!!!!"
This ones kinda gross, but it's funny....
One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ''There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don't fear anything.''
After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same.
After hesitating, they all did it.
''Next,'' the professor said, ''you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.''
Bad Dog, Put Fluffy Back
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the
96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old
yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs
and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting
at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
---
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March
day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" No," the second man
replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's
have a beer."
---
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me, I know we've been friends for a long time but I
just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she
said, "How soon do you need to know?"
---
:D
cute! :)
LOL :D :D
nice jump :eek:
Why men lie!
> One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of
> a tree above a
> river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried
> out, the Lord
> appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
>
> The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen
> into water, and he
> needed the axe to make his living.
>
> The Lord went down into the water and reappeared
> with a golden axe.
> "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
> The woodcutter replied, "No."
>
> The Lord again went down and came up with a silver
> axe.
> "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
> Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
>
> The Lord went down again and came up with an iron
> axe.
> "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
> The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
>
> The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave
> him all three axes
> to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
>
> Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his
> wife along the
> riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
> When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and
> asked him, "Why are you
> crying?"
>
> "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
>
> The Lord went down into the water and came up with
> Jennifer Lopez.
> "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
> "Yes," cried the woodcutter.
>
> The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an
> untruth!"
>
> The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.
> It is a
> misunderstanding.
> You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You
> would have come up
> with Catherine Zeta-Jones.
> Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come
> up with my wife.
>
> Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all
> three to me.
> Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take
> care of all three
> wives,
> so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Jennifer Lopez."
>
> The moral of this story is: whenever a man lies, it
> is for a good and
> honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs."
Little town in Mexico
This happened in a little town in Mexico, and even though it sounds like
an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true!
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in
the middle of a storm. The night was roiling and no car went by.The storm
was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy, without
thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - and only then
realized that there's nobody behind the wheel!
The car starts very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve
coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. He
hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand
appears thru the window and moves the wheel.
The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time
they are approaching a curve. The guy, gathering strength, gets out of
the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he
goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling
everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence
enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying and wasn't
drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one said
to the other, "Look, Pepe, that's the person that got in the car while we
were pushing it!"
This may offend some people. But remember, it is just a joke!
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter paradise.
So they're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is." I want to be gorgeous."and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done.The second one in line hears this and says " I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last in line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, the guy starts rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finnaly, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says:......................
" Make 'em all ugly again."
"Signs You're Stressed"
You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses off the people you're talking to.
The SUN is too loud.
You can achieve a "runner's high" by sitting up.
You ask the drive-through attendant if you can get your order to go.
You can see the individual air molecules vibrating.
You keep yelling, "STOP TOUCHING ME!" even though you are the only one in the room.
Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.
Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
You and reality ...file for divorce.
:D :D ;)
:D ;) :D
Questions and Answers
At least the ladies should identify with these:
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on
the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the
noose.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around
him. Or 2- One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the
screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman
to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs, and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals" ;)
"Would You Believe...?"
A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago.
On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife.
When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their
room, the man said: "You rest here while I register for the
convention - I'll be back within an hour."
The wife lies down on the bed ... just then, an elevated
train passes by very close to the window and shakes the
room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this
must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again
a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.
The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally)
is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look, ... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to
the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks
in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager calmly replies,
"Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?
Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter
at the pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into
heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set
of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his
pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied,
"They're Carols". :D :D :D