:D Good ones Richard!!
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:D Good ones Richard!!
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One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's
office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a
woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed
like that?" I asked her.
"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to
embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting
school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
waiting for an elevator with a doctor one day, at duke university......
we start to exchange pleasantries when the doors to the
elevator open, the doctor, who's closest to the door,
sticks his head between the closing doors....
we enter the cab and the doctor asked me where i'm going.
i tell him the floor number and after a few seconds of silence, ask him why he stuck his head between the closing doors....
"i need my hands to operate......"
two women on a jet begin to chat about their travels.
the first woman is absolutely tickled when she finds out
her seat mate is from california....
she begins to compliment her on the state, it's people and the towns.
the second woman asks her where in the state she's been.
"all over- but i LOVED san joe say!!"
the california women chuckles and says, "you mean san jose....
in california we pronounce the letter 'j' as an 'h'....."
she then asks when she visited san jose....
the first women thinks for a moment and says "Hune and Huly of last year......"
two rubes go to their first pro sports event........a football game..
when they come back into town the people are curious about their adventure........
the first question is, 'How did you like it?"
the first rube says, 'seems like an awful lot of trouble for 25 cents."
'what do you mean?, ' a second person asks...
"everyone kept yelling, GET THE QUARTER BACK!"
Got this is the mail.... Sorry if it was posted
> > FIRST DEGREE
> >
> > A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
> > at 2 in the morning.
> > The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the
> > phone, listened a moment
> > and
> > said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from
> > here!" and hung up.
> >
> > The husband said, "Who was that?"
> > The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting
> > to know if the coast
> > Is
> > clear."
> >
> > SECOND DEGREE
> > Two blondes are walking down the street. One
> > notices a compact on the
> > sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens
> > it, looks in the
> > mirror
> > and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
> > The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So
> > the first blonde hands
> > her
> > the compact. The second one looks in the mirror
> > and says, "You dummy,
> > it's me!"
> >
> > THIRD DEGREE
> > A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on
> > her, so she goes out
> > and
> > buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
> > unexpectedly and when she opens
> > the
> > door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
> > Well, the blonde is
> > really
> > angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun,
> > and as she does so,
> > she
> > is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and
> > puts it to her head. The
> > boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
> > The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
> >
> > FOURTH DEGREE
> > A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of
> > state capitals. She
> > proudly
> > says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
> > A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of
> > Wisconsin?"
> > The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
> >
> > FIFTH DEGREE
> > What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told
> > her she was pregnant?
> > "Is it mine?"
> >
> > SIXTH DEGREE
> > Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA
> > freshman, sat in her US
> > government class. The professor asked Bambi if
> > she knew what Roe vs.
> > Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then
> > finally said, "That
> > was
> > the decision George Washington had to make
> > before he crossed the
> > Delaware."
> >
> > SEVENTH DEGREE
> > Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked
> > to find her house
> > ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the
> > police at once and
> > reported
> > the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the
> > call on the radio, and
> > a
> > K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to
> > respond. As the K-9
> > officer
> > approached the house with his dog on a leash,
> > the blonde ran out on
> > the
> > porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
> > dog, then sat down on
> > the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she
> > moaned, "I come home to
> > find all my possessions stolen. I call the
> > police for help, and what
> > do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
A farmer orders his workers to clean out the big "toilet-reservoir" . So they start emptying it with buckets.
Suddenly Louis sees that his jackets falls into the mess. He stops working and tries to catch his jacket.
"Hey , Louis , leave it there ! You know you can never wear that jacket again !!!"
"Yep , I know," says Louis , "but my sandwiches for lunch are still in my pocket !!!"
A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing
convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing
your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an
extra pair of pants for that suit."
"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her
eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all
of his money. He was a real miser when came to his money.
He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he
died, he said to his wife, "now listen, when I die , I want you to take
all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my
money to the afterlife." So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart
that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife
was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they
finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the
casket, the wife said "wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box
and placed it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "Lady, I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money
in there with that man." She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I
promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket
with him?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into
my account and I wrote him a check."
The Golden Phones
It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about
churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. He went to a very
large church and began taking photographs, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000 a minute."
Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line
to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago,
Milwaukee, New York, Atlanta, and on around the United States, he finds more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas,
lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time,
the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents."
Fascinated, he requests to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have
been in cities all across the country and in each church I found
this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to
Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches
the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call.
Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very
easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course,
it's a local call from here."
Quote:
Originally posted by Tanya&Fritz
Your sign reads 25 cents a call.
Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very
easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course,
it's a local call from here."
LMMFAO!!!!!
does god still watch the cowboys thru the hole in the roof of texas stadium???
Little Tommy Can't Find The Bathroom
Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.
So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.
Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.
Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.
Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, "I can't find it."
Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.
So, Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, "Well, did you find it?"
Tommy is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."
Crazy Charlie, the used-car dealer, was out to break
all sales records with his "like new" models.
A large sign in his window announced: "A Blonde Free
With Each Car."
A delighted young wolf plunked down his cash and, hot
with anticipation, drove his newly won blonde out into
the country. He parked, gave her a couple of
preliminary kisses, and whispered a suggestion in her
ear.
She shook her head, smiled, and said, "You got that
when you bought this car."
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have major cosmetic surgery: a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures, since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?" God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
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Kids Pray
I love kids letters about misinterpreting the Lord's Prayer.
When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this
prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I
could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and
forgive us our mattresses." My husband and I always had a good
laugh over this and the memory still remains in my heart.
Groton, Mass.
My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary,full of
grapes."
Missoula, Mont.
My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father,who art in
Heaven, how didja know my name?"
Uniontown, Ohio.
I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly
bread."
Oak Harbor, Wash.
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."
Grand Junction, Colo.
When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into
temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get
into trouble.
During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was
speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble
controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the
congregation, "I apologise for crying so much. I'm usually
not such a big boob."
The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That's
okay. We like big boobs."
:D :D :D
Oh, Anna, those are all so funny! Thanks!
Chris
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one
morning at 4:44 A.M. by his ringing telephone.
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry
voice.
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number
before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely 4:44 A.M., Bernard called his
neighbor back.
"Good morning, Mr. Williams. Just called to say that I don't have
a dog."
Anna, your joke reminded me of a personal story. We were vacationing and staying in a Condo. Someone kept calling us at 1 AM - 2 AM and on.......saying our television was too loud.
Each time, we were sound asleep. I sure wish I would have seen your joke then. I would have done exactly that!!
Glad you liked it:)
Barking Dog was a great one, Anna!:D
Bump :p
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We
are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my
love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you
may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And
the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, have already named all
the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a
reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was
pleased. And dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.
They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are
loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they
are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And
God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the
supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was
happy.
And Cat didn't give a s*&t one way or the other.
That was a good one Amy:D
These are things people actually said in court, word for word taken down
and published by court reporters -- who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo of the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: So he had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue Lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Judge: "Well Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
A blind man with very large feet goes shoe shopping with his servant. He enters the store and begins to try on every shoe, but none would fit. As he searched and searched, his servant walks down the aisle to see if he could find any larger shoe. All of a sudden, he hears the blind man call to him. "Dear servant, come quick! I found the perfect shoe that FITS!!!!" The servant comes running, overwhelmed with joy. As he looks at the blind man's "new shoes" a frown forms on his face. "How do you like them?" the blind man asks. "Sir," said the servant. "You are wearing a shoe box."
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
I had to translate this joke. It was in an Urdu magazine! I found it funny. LOL Hope I did ok. :p
At The Pub...
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a
pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they
were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in
each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued
drinking it, as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out
over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT
YOU BASTARD!!!!"
"In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by
lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word "peace."
Right idea, wrong president." - Jay Leno
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"
Doctor , I cannot sleap at night. Everytime I hear one single noise , I am all awake! I'm thinking here about our neighbours' cat!!
This powder will help you and solve your problem lady!
And when precisely do I have to take it?
You don't!! Mix it with milk and give it to the cat , and you won't hear anything that night!!!
My three year old son and I were passing by a McDonald's one day
and he started begging me to get some "fench fies, pweeeez".
I didn't have any money on me and I told him "No, Mommy is broke"
He didn't complain he just accepted my answer.
A few days later we were driving past a McDonald's once again. He
was not having a happy day because we were stuck running errands
all day. So I offered, "Ryan do you want to get some french
fries?" And he perked up and smiled and said, "Why Mommy, are
you fixed?"
My three year old son and I were passing by a McDonald's one day
and he started begging me to get some "fench fies, pweeeez".
I didn't have any money on me and I told him "No, Mommy is broke"
He didn't complain he just accepted my answer.
A few days later we were driving past a McDonald's once again. He
was not having a happy day because we were stuck running errands
all day. So I offered, "Ryan do you want to get some french
fries?" And he perked up and smiled and said, "Why Mommy, are
you fixed?"
My three year old son and I were passing by a McDonald's one day
and he started begging me to get some "fench fies, pweeeez".
I didn't have any money on me and I told him "No, Mommy is broke"
He didn't complain he just accepted my answer.
A few days later we were driving past a McDonald's once again. He
was not having a happy day because we were stuck running errands
all day. So I offered, "Ryan do you want to get some french
fries?" And he perked up and smiled and said, "Why Mommy, are
you fixed?"
My three year old son and I were passing by a McDonald's one day
and he started begging me to get some "fench fies, pweeeez".
I didn't have any money on me and I told him "No, Mommy is broke"
He didn't complain he just accepted my answer.
A few days later we were driving past a McDonald's once again. He
was not having a happy day because we were stuck running errands
all day. So I offered, "Ryan do you want to get some french
fries?" And he perked up and smiled and said, "Why Mommy, are
you fixed?"
My three year old son and I were passing by a McDonald's one day
and he started begging me to get some "fench fies, pweeeez".
I didn't have any money on me and I told him "No, Mommy is broke"
He didn't complain he just accepted my answer.
A few days later we were driving past a McDonald's once again. He
was not having a happy day because we were stuck running errands
all day. So I offered, "Ryan do you want to get some french
fries?" And he perked up and smiled and said, "Why Mommy, are
you fixed?"
My three year old son and I were passing by a McDonald's one day
and he started begging me to get some "fench fies, pweeeez".
I didn't have any money on me and I told him "No, Mommy is broke"
He didn't complain he just accepted my answer.
A few days later we were driving past a McDonald's once again. He
was not having a happy day because we were stuck running errands
all day. So I offered, "Ryan do you want to get some french
fries?" And he perked up and smiled and said, "Why Mommy, are
you fixed?"
My three year old son and I were passing by a McDonald's one day
and he started begging me to get some "fench fies, pweeeez".
I didn't have any money on me and I told him "No, Mommy is broke"
He didn't complain he just accepted my answer.
A few days later we were driving past a McDonald's once again. He
was not having a happy day because we were stuck running errands
all day. So I offered, "Ryan do you want to get some french
fries?" And he perked up and smiled and said, "Why Mommy, are
you fixed?"
I'm planning to retire and live off my savings. What I'll do the
second day, I have no idea.:D
at a news conference an iraqi journalist made it a point
to tell Colin Powell that 'only 13% of americans could find Iraq
on a map...'
Powell's answer (paraphrased here) was,
"unlucky for you those 13% are United States Marines..."
Yes, I've heard that one and I love it!