holy...:eek:
Printable View
holy...:eek:
bad hairday? :D
:D :D
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
===============================
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. -- Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the 65 year-old mother, "Soon."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"Not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"
"WHEN IT CRIES," she told them.
"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"
"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it..."
Ha ha ha!!! :D That is sooo funny!!!! :DQuote:
Originally posted by AmberLee
"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it..."
:D that's funny
When the "Pet People" Take Over
10. "Excuse me -- could you not? My dog hates cell phones."
9. "I have you down for a table for three on Saturday night at
6:30. Will that be Shedding or Non-Shedding?"
8. Veterinary bills covered by Medicare.
7. With pooper scooper laws repealed, pedestrians start wearing plastic bags on their feet.
6. 100% of the newspaper comics devoted to cat/dog/penguin strips, up from the present 96%.
5. Cat hair on your lapel considered the ultimate fashion
statement.
4. Bob Levey's column replaced by photo-diary of Mr. Wiggles, the adorable Lhasa Apso.
3. Paid bereavement leave extended to pet-owning employees.
2. Mail carriers required to wear running shorts made of beef
jerky.
and the Number 1 Change That Will Come
When the "Pet People" Take Over...
1. "Who's a good Vice President? YOU ARE! Yes you ARE!"
A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the
country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were
a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were
standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck
approached.
Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to
offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The
driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his
tank, but he didn't have a bucket or can. One of the nuns dug
out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He
said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into
the pan. He waved good-bye to the nuns and left.
The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their
gas tank when the highway patrol came by. The trooper stopped
and watched for a minute, then he said, "Sisters, I don't think
it will work, but I sure do admire your faith!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
:D
http://www.top-greetings.com/v/2003/01/cook27.jpg
Five birds were sitting on a telephone wire. The wind blew and swirled around them when the first little bird shivered and said, "My instincts tell me to fly south." And, he hopped off the wire catching the breeze under his little wings. The second little bird gazed after his friend until he could not see him anymore. The wind blew and swirled around them and the second little bird shivered and said, "My instincts tell me to fly
east." And, off the wire he came, grasping the wind under his wings. The three remaining little birds watched him fly away when the third little bird shouted, "My instincts tell me to fly west" and off he went into the air with a deafening squawk. The fourth little bird rustled his feathers together, preening the tip of his wings and looked up and said, "My instincts tell me to fly north" and off he flew. Several minutes later the last of the little birds (Who was a little hard of hearing) sat on the wire with the cool wind swirling about him and looked around and said "Hum! My end stinks, but it don't tell me where to go".
LETTER FROM A FARMER, NOW AT CAMP PENDLETON
Dear Ma and Pa;
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the GOOD places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they get warm water in here.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds
you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none at all.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.
You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get into this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail
2002's Best (Actual) Headlines
1. Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
5. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
8. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
9. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
10. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
11. War Dims Hope for Peace
12. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
13. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
14. Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
15. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
16. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
17. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
18. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
19. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
20. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
21. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
22. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
23. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Tanya&Fritz - those are excellent!!! They have me laughing out loud! Thanks!
An exhausted-looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hell getting him to swallow the pill!!!"
he "f" word
There are only ten times in history where the "F" word has been
considered acceptable for use ... they are as follows:
10. "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers.... My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -Bill Clinton,
1999
And ... drum roll .
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." Osama Bin
Laden, 2001
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring & good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Man Says To God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God's Reply: "So you would love her."
Man: "But God, why then did you make her so dumb?"
God: "So she would love you."
There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica
to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the
three women who entered the race were a blonde, a
brunette, and a redhead. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the
fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place
finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally
came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the
worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why
it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."
:D
Norman and his blonde wife live in Buffalo, NY, the snow capital of
> > the U.S.
> >
> > One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the
> > announcer
> >
> > say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must
> > park your
> >
> > car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get
> >
> >
> > through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
> >
> >
> >
> > A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer
> > says, "We
> >
> > are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
> > the odd
> >
> > numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
> > Norman's wife
> >
> > goes out and moves her car again.
> >
> >
> >
> > The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio
> > announcer
> >
> > says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must
> >
> > park...........", then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife
> > says,
> >
> > "Honey, I don't know what to do." Norman says, "Why don't you just
> > leave it
> >
> > in the garage this time?"
READ VERY SLOWLY - IT SOMETIMES TAKES A WHILE FOR THE LIGHT TO SHINE BUT THEY ARE RATHER
CLEVER!!
Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
Control: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse: what an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes: what a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty: How golfers create divots.
Paradox: two physicians.
Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist: a helper on the farm.
Polarize: what penguins see with.
Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief: what trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress: describes 250 pounds in a size 6.
Selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does.
Sudafed: brought litigation against a government official.
And my favorite: Subdued ...like a guy, like works on one of those, like, submarines, man.
A guy goes into a bar with his dog to watch the Detriot Lions game. Bartender tells him, sorry no dogs allowed. Guys begs him, "Please, man! My TV is broke and I am a HUGE Lions fan! I have to see the game" BArtender finally gives in the the man and his dog sit down at the bar. Detroit gets 1st down the dog is struting up and down the bar, giving hi-5's shakin hands. The crowd loves it! Bartender says" That's preety cool! What does he do when they score"
Guy relpies, "I don't know. I've only had the dog for 5 years!"
On Christmans morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid,"Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop replies, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
A 17 year-old Antartican boy was hired to paint a white line down the middle of the highway. On the first day, he got off to a good start and he painted a white line 7 miles long. The next day, however, he painted a line only 4 miles long. On the third day, he was down to less than a mile. Finally, his friend Max asked him why he was doing less each day. The boy replied, "I guess it takes me longer and longer to get back to the bucket each day."
There was a lady who had triplets. Shut up, Be quiet, and Trouble. One day she told the boys to go buy her some milk from the store. They set off. When they got there the walked around looking for the dairy section. Somewhere along the line a big mob of people came and Trouble got lost. Shut Up and Be Quiet went to a police officer that was buying some bread.
Officer: What is your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up.
Officer: What is your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up.
Since Shut Up was not cooperating he asked Be Quiet.
Officer: What is your name?
Be Quiet: Be Quiet.
Officer: What is your name?
Be Quiet: Be Quiet.
Officer: (really getting irritated) Are you guys looking for trouble?
Shut up and Be quiet: YES, YES, HAVE YOU SEEN HIM?
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals. She
would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or
"Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and
Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for
dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided
to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he
really likes.
In Jane's freezer you'll see a whole new set of labels.
You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say:
"Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care,"
"Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her
husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner,
it's there waiting.
There was a man who wanted to get his wife something exotic for her birthday. He decided to get her a parrot as she had always wanted one. He went to the pet shop looking for one. He asked the employe if they had any parrots that talked. The employe showed him a beautiful makaw that sung songs when a lit matche was placed under either foot. He decided to buy it. As soon as the wife saw it she fell in love."But wait, it does tricks!" the man exclaimed. He took a match and lit it and placed it under the bird's left foot. It started to sing "Jingle Bells". He moved the match to the right foot and the bird started singing "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer". Finally he took the match and put it between the birds legs. The bird sang "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire".
Kids Advice on Love and Marriage
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE
TO GET MARRIED??
"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore,
and you can spend all your time loving each other in your
bedroom." (Judy, 8)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS
SOMEONE??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy
her a big ring and a VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the
wedding.' (Darby,7)
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE
OR MARRIED??
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them!" (Lynette, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS
BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do
with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so
popular." (Jan, 9)
HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE
TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
"Mooshy -- like puppy dogs -- except puppy dogs don't wag their
tails nearly as much." (Arnold, age 10)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE
IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."(Roger,9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS
OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they
paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS
ABOUT LOVE
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I
have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls
keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES
NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
(Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE
A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."(Alonzo,9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO
ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A
RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE??
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire.
They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts
are...on fire." (Christine , 9)
HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?
"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel
warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or
fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." (Gina, age 8)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."
(Julia, age 7)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO
KISS SOMEONE?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you.
That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Don't forget your wife's name.It will mess up the love.(Roger,8)
There were 3 men who immigrated to the US. They got off the boat and each set out to learn English.
The first guy goes into a music store and he learns to say "me me me meeeee"
The second guy goes into a silver store and learns to say "forks & knives, forks& knives, forks & knives"
And the third guy goes into the candy store and learns to say "goody goody gum-drops, goody goody gum-drops"
So they meet together at the end of the day and are walking down the street, when they come to a dead man laying in the road. They are horrified!
All of a sudden, a police officer comes running up. "Who killed this man?"
The first man says, "me me me me me"
The cops shouts "What did you kill him with?"
The second man says, "forks & knives, forks & knives, forks & knives."
The cop couldn't believe that they were so blatant about it, so he said, "You know you have to go to jail for this, don't you?"
The third man replies, "Goody goody gum-drops, goody goody gum-drops"
:rolleyes: :D
EuroEnglish
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of negotiations, her Majesty Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when
the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double
letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgraful, and they would go.
By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
MONEY
It can buy a House...............But not a Home
It can buy a Bed..................But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock................But not Time
It can buy you a Book..........But not knowledge
It can buy you a Position......But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine.......But not Health
It can buy you Blood............But not Life
It can buy you Sex..............But not Love
So you see money isn't everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend,
and as your Friend I want to take away
your pain and suffering..............
So send me all your money..........
And I will suffer for you.
CASH ONLY PLEASE!!!
Thought this was gonna be one of those
"inspirational" ones, didn't you????
:eek: :p :D ;) :p
:D :D :D :D :D
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. ! "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."
:D
EIGHTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 55 YEARS TO LEARN
By: Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
13. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
14. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
15. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
16. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is
to annoy people who are not in them.
17. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the
bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his
stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists
who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement
was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch
from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became
mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders... "6" year-olds, because the last one is
classic :
Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the .............................bug is close.
It's always darkest before...............Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of...termites.
You can lead a horse to water but....how?
Don't bite the hand that...................looks dirty.
No news is.....................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a.....................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new........math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll........stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.................................me.
The pen is mightier than the............pigs.
An idle mind is...............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's...........pollution.
Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is.............................not much.
Two's company, three's...................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what........you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.................. you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as...............Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.......spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed..............get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind.......get out of the way.
And the favorite:
Better late than............................pregnant!!!
Well there is a topic about Michael Jackson going around, so I've got a M.J. joke for ya.
Once a little boy asked his father about God. He said, "Dad, is God black or white?" The father replied, "Both." Then they boy asked, "Is God a woman or a man?" The father replied, "Both." Then they boy asked, "Dad, is God Michael Jackson?"
LOL!
**Of course sorry if I offended anyone in any way with this joke, I thought it was pretty funny.**
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I don't know if the rest of you will think this is funny or not, but I used to live in the capitol of North Dakota:p so I think it is! It's Bismarck.
two guys are on their way to vegas.
the passenger tells the driver he has to go potty.
the driver tell him he must wait- the rest stop is ten miles
down the road.
a few minutes later the passenger, again, states he has to go potty.......
number 1 or two?
"number 2', the says......
"you can't wait?", NO I CAN'T WAIT!!
the driver spies the only tree in the desert.......he pulls over and tells the passenger to run out to the tree and take care of business....the passenger opens the door, walks about 15 feet, turns around and tells the driver, "i have no toilet paper..."
the driver tells the passenger that he has no paper either....that he may want to use a dollar.
the passenger thinks a second and goes on his way...
a few minutes later the passenger appears from behind the tree
vigorously waving his hand as he walks up to the car..
when he reaches the car the driver notices that the passenger's
hand is soiled. the driver then asks him "what happened? your hand is dirty!!!!!, i thought i told you to use a dollar?"
the passenger says, "i did! the first three quarters worked, but when i got to the dimes and nickel......."
Anna, I laughed out loud at work today when I read this comic! And I know nothing about the Dakotas, except that they are cold! ;) Gotta be a classic Garfield!Quote:
Originally posted by anna_66
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I don't know if the rest of you will think this is funny or not, but I used to live in the capitol of North Dakota:p so I think it is! It's Bismarck.
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."
Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"
"Snow."
Rockin' Robins
Two robins were sitting in a tree.
"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find
some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed
ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they
could eat no more.
"I m so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said
the first one.
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"O K," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had
fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."
jon gruden, tampa bay coach, stumbles into a bar.
he's very drunk and the other patron's notice him quite quickly.
as he begins to interact with the patrons on either side of the
stool he's sitting on a voice from the back yells, "jon, where are your buccaneers?"
jon stares into space for a moment and yells back, "on the sides of my buckin' head..."