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Two blonde guys are driving a car on a very hilly road. They get to the top of a very high, steep hill and they start going down it very fast. The guy driving says "Oh my god! The brakes don't work!" and the guy in the passenger seat says "don't worry, there's a stop sign at the end of this hill."
ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS FOUND IN HIGH SCHOOL ESSAYS
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law, Phil. But, unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-- who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey
4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house," --Rod Stewart
5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy
6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams
7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry
8) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" --Marilyn Pittman
9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
10) My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone
11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." -Conan O'Brien
12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery
13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni
14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators> would be dead." --Johnny Carson
15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez
16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." -Jerry Seinfeld
17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde
19) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain
20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown
21) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams
22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne
23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal
24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry
25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because " Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased
Bits of Wisdom
***************************
Love is grand;
divorce is a hundred grand.
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I am in shape.
Round is a shape.
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Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
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Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
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Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
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Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
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Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
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An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
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There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
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In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
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Dijon vu --
the same mustard as before.
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I am a nutritional overachiever.
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I am having an out of money experience.
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I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
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Practice safe eating --
always use condiments.
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A day without sunshine is like night.
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If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
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It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
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The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
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Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
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Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.
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Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
**************************
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
You know you're living in the 02's when:
1. You have 5 passwords, but can only remember one.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
9. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
10. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
11. You can only write on 'sticky pads'.
12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
16. Interviewees, despite not having relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE..
22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
23. As you read this list, you THINK about forwarding it to your "friends".
Martha Stewart vs Me
Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it
anyway.
Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way #4: To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.
Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.
Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.
Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an
instant "fix me up".
My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad.
My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the
surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.
Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?
Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the neighbor to do it.
Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous
china.
* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.
A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine
unit. One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a
possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building
ajar.
He let the dog out his patrol car and commanded it to enter and
seek. Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the
building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and
backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further.
Then he noticed the sign on the building:
"Veterinarian's Office." :D
hehehehe LOL Anna :D :D :D
> This is from maintenance logs of Qantas: Never let it be said that
ground
> > crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged
> > maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action
recorded
> > by mechanics. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has
never
> > had an accident. P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the
> > log,and S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
> >
> > P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> > S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
> >
> > P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
> > S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
> >
> > P: Something loose in cockpit.
> > S: Something tightened in cockpit.
> >
> > P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> > S: Live bugs on backorder.
> >
> > P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
> > S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> >
> > P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> > S: Evidence removed.
> >
> > P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> > S: DME volume set to more believable level.
> >
> > P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> > S: That's what they're there for!
> >
> > P: IFF inoperative.
> > S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
> >
> > P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
> > S: Suspect you're right.
> >
> > P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined
airplane;
> > the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
> > S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
> >
> > P: Aircraft handles funny.
> > S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
> >
> > P: Radar hums.
> > S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
> >
> > P: Mouse in cockpit.
> > S: Cat installed.
>
I can't stop laughing at this one!Quote:
Originally posted by delidog
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
it was the best i've seen in awhile!!!!!
hope that Miss Meow and Captain see it!!
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
AMERICAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an
option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with
nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
Amber Lee,
That is classic!!!!
I love it!!!!!
heres' a little blonde joke for you:
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a
single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind,but I feel much
luckier
when I'm completely nude.
" With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled,
"Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON!"
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then
picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of
them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I
thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!!!
;) :)
>Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had
>several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight
>or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
>
>Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform
>well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took
>an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny
>bells and attached them to his roosters.
>
>Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell,
>from a distance, which rooster was performing.
>
>Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
>efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
>
>Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine
>specimen he was, too.
>
>But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that
>Brewster's bell had not rung at all!!
>
>Zeb went to investigate.
>
>The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-
>ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming,
>would run for cover.
>
>BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his
>beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet,
>do his job and walk on to the next one.
>
>Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the
>county fair.
>
>Brewster was an overnight sensation.
>
>The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize
>but also the Pulletsurprise.
COMPUTER HICK
LOG ON: Making the woodstove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keepin an eye on that woodstove
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood ofn the truk
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin that farwood downloaded
FLOPPY DISK: Whutcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thang whut splits tha farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in tha winter tym
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter tym
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when its blak fly season
BYTE: Whut them dang flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whuts left in the munchie bag
INFRARED: Whur the left over munchies go, Fred eats em
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Ol Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whur the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whur ya hang the dang keys
SOFTWARE; Them dang plastik forks and nifes
MOUSE: What eats tha grain in tha barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruuf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander Wine
ENTER: Northern fer c'mon in y'all
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya caint member whut ya paid for yer new rifle when yore wife ask.
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment
would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man.
The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into
question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who
cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road ..
it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
SALVADOR DALI: Fish
HOMER SIMPSON: Mmmm - Chicken
Mr. Louie!!!
You sure do find some Rib Ticklers!!!!;) :)
1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
3. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
4. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.
5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?
6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor.
12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.
14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable wing tips.
17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.
AND THE BEST ONE OF ALL....
18. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton.
Go AMber lee!!!!
You do find the best funnies,don't you?!?!?
In his younger days our golden retriever Catcher often ran away
when he had the chance. His veterinarian's office was about a
mile down the road, and Catcher would usually go there. The
office staff knew him and would call me to come pick him up.
One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's
yearly vaccine.
"Will you bring him," asked the receptionist, "or will he come
on his own?":)
1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? (I can't even get anything going in my hibachi with gasoline and a flame thrower.)
15. You read about all these terrorists-most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
LOL AmberLee :D :D :D
Still Laughing!!!!
You are finding the Really good ones!!!:D :) ;)
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a big ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note.... Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!
:D:D:D What a Blonde!
;) :) :D
Blonde Laughing!!!!
Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2002 winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis:Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect:The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
And, the winner of the Washington Post's Style Invitational:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
It's time once again to consider the candidates for the 2003
Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella
Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued
McDonalds.
That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most uniquely
successful lawsuits in the United States for last year. Actually,
joint awards should be given to the plaintiff attorneys and the
flaming idiots on the juries who awarded anything at all to these
morons--who deserved NOTHING!!!!
The following are this year's candidates:
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a
jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler
who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store
were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering th! e
misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel
of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he
had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to
get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door
connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The
family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in
the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he
found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's
insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish.
The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and
medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next
door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's
fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt
the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr.
Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
Arkansas Medicine
An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for
work in six weeks."
A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person,
put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can
take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both
looking for work in two weeks."
The Arkansas doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We
recently took a man with no brain out of Arkansas, put him in the White
House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work."
If Operating Systems Were Airlines
DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane,
push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits
the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop
on, jump off...
Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the
same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions
about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need
to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants
courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier
operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above
the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.
OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty - only a few prospective
passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just
departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline
personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing
from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each
passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much
safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a
little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe
until mid-2005. Maybe longer
The Top 9 Signs You're Spoiling Your Pet
9> The goldfish have limo service from their castle to their
sunken treasure.
8> You hire a Kitty Groomer? No problem.
Kitty Psychiatrist? Getting warmer.
Kitty Fluffer? Bingo.
7> Once a week, instead of plain ol' fish food sprinkled into the
tank, you treat them to a tablespoon of bacon grease.
6> Your cat is always nice to you.
5> You call in sick when she's asleep on your feet in the morning.
4> He refuses to mount the breeding bitch you bring in until you
warm her up for him.
3> You send him to a private obedience school. In Switzerland.
2> Begging at the dinner table is downright weird for a hamster.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Spoiling Your Pet...
1> You slam three pots of coffee every night because your cat
likes to sleep on a vibrating bed.
Talk to the paw
The Top 10 Cat Proverbs
10. Do unto others whatever the hell you want to.
9. The world is your litter box.
8. Always put off until tomorrow anything that interferes with
a nap.
7. Look before you lick.
6. Pride goeth before ... you've got to be friggin' kidding me!
5. You scratch my back.
4. Strike while the feet are bare.
3. When in doubt, wash.
2. If at first you don't succeed, act like you intended to fail.
and the Number 1 Cat Proverb...
1. The way to your owner's heart is through their ankles when
they least expect it.
9. The Beagle of Happiness will sniff with delight at your butt.
8. Someone thinks you're the special.
7. The hand that throws the ball does not always let go of
the ball.
6. The lowly cricket is both good tasting and less filling.
5. Nine lives only useful if one is Cat or Buddhist.
4. The path to true enlightenment is at the end of your tail.
3. Marking territory should be your Number One priority.
2. Loose lips lose bones.
and the Number 1 Fortune Cookie Fortune for Pets...
1. A journey of a thousand miles begins with being put
in a crate.
:D :D :D ROTFLOL!!! These are CLASSIC! :D
haha funny I love it!Quote:
Originally posted by wolf_Q
I've read a lot of these jokes but not all of them so sorry if I post something that's already been posted...
This one cracked me up. :D
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F
are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for...
It is about time you became informed!
{A} - Almost Boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double Damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{F} - Fake.
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.
Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!
So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"
So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off... confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.
He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."
Young Lucas was so much in love with Lisa ; but as he knew her father was rather oldfashioned , he went to talk to him and ask permission to court his daughter ;
- "Mister Fairchild , I am proud to ask the hand of your daughter Lisa !"
- "What?" , shouted the man , "are you nuts" ???
- "May I politely ask what makes you say that, sir ??"
- "My daughter's hand , my daughter's hand ....:rolleyes: , if you want her , you will have two take the whole package : it's all or nothing !!!":rolleyes: :rolleyes: :D
woohoo , I was laughing for hours .... GOOD ONE !!Quote:
Originally posted by apcrs5122
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility.
And , WELCOME TO PETTALK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:D
this is cute