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Every one has pretty much said it all. Except for one thing that kind of sticks out to me. You say Step mom made him come back and tell you, sounds like she was the "bad " one in this. Not to step mom bash but go back and reread your first post . You need to talk to him alone and just hash it all out.
Goodness sakes, thank God you chose to come to all of us with this.
It doesn't sound as though anyone has considered your feelings here. And how awful that this has just been dumped on you. Sorry to bash any of your family - but good God - nice to read that they could get rid of all of their guilt and bash your Mom to boot -
No one, absolutely no one, has led a perfect stain free life! But how we handle other people's feelings if they are involved is the true test.
When these things happen, and we receive unexpected news - it blind sides us. And then we go through various stages - the first being intense hurt and that sits with us for a while. But after a while that gives way to real anger - how could they do this to you? This is the dangerous period because it is hard to contain that anger and words could be exchanged that will only make matters worse.
But finally, we enter a period of acceptance. It becomes clear that you cannot go back in time - make things go away - that what IS has to be accepted. With this period also comes some kind of inner peace - it just sneaks in and levels everything out.
This is the period you haven't entered yet - but it will come.
When you talk to any of the members of your family about this - it is important you use what are called "I" messages. That means you tell them how "YOU" feel............not how they should have acted, or how they should have handled this. Tell them how it has impacted "YOU". Please know, that they might not understand because they are too into themselves.
But they need to be told how all of this news has impacted YOU.
So help me, I am sitting here with tears in my eyes for you.
How I wish - all of us wish - that we could take it away from you.
But as so many Mothers have pointed out - there is something wonderful going on that will make your life completely worthwhile........and that is your unborn child. Just think of what a great Mom you can be - you are learning so many lessons right now that will insure that you are.
You will always be honest with this child - you won't keep any secrets from this child - you will guarantee that the child is well loved and it will feel secure.
What an example you are to the rest of your family - and they just cannot see beyond themselves to realize it. Keep up the good work - how I do admire you -
The best is yet to come - you can count on it.
And finally, I send you the biggest hug of support that I can. Don't delete this message - all of us are learning something from you too!
xxoo Gini
Wonderfully, perfectly said gini, I couldn't agree with you more. And our dear, sweet Sara, always the one to take it all on the chin and suffer silently:( I can only imagine how devastating it was for you to hear this news, to hear it now and in the manner that you did. As gini suggests, it is so important that you let your Mom, your Dad and your step mom know how all of this has impacted you, without placing blame or inditing; not in anger, but from your heart. Yes, use the "I" word! They all need to realize the overwhelming consequences of their actions or inactions. None of us lives or acts in a vacuum and what we do and say in life has far reaching effects. You are a brave and loving soul and I have no doubt that in time, you will reach a point of accepatance and hopefully, take from an otherwise sad and tragic circumstance, something positive. Again, as gini pointed out, the feelings you are experiencing are not dissimilar to those people who have experienced the death of a love one feel....shock, denial, anger, grief, acceptance. With the help of those who love you, and that certainly includes us, you will get through this Sara. Hold onto us, your friends, those who care for you and the thought that soon your life will be blessed with the greatest of gifts:) You cannot change what has happened, but you can look forward to the future with hope and optimism.
Love~
Sara I've read this thread and wasn't going to post because it brought a lot of memories for me back. But I thought some of this might help since I understand some of what your going through. When my parents seperated my dad also told me I wasn't his, at the same time my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer so I chose not to confront her with it. He then went and told my 8 year old sister that my mom was going to die when Dr.'s said w/treatment she had a good chance. All this was in the space of a month. Part of me has always regretted not confronting my mom about what he said, but to be honest I'm not sure I want to know. You should give yourself a lot of credit for doing that and agree with the others that you should sit down and talk to her or you'll probably always wonder. What gini said is right you have something wonderful to focus on right now and that's your child. Right now everything seems to be falling apart, but in the end you'll come out of all this a better/stronger person. Time can heal a lot of wounds and bring understanding. My father and I didn't speak for 10 years after all this and I lost all contact with that side of my family. In the past few years we've begun to take tentative steps towards a relationship. I guess the point i'm trying to make is that right now you probably feel that everything is going wrong, try to focus on the things that are good and going right and eventually you'll be able to look back on this time and realize it was hard and painful but gave you a stength and understanding that you'll pass on to your own child. I wish you all the best and if you just want to talk feel free to contact me.
I can only echo what Johanna and Debbie said.
Sara I only know about your situation from what is in this thread, and it sounds like your father is not able to be supportive of you. Remember those are his issues, not yours. Try to focus on positive people in your life right now. You and your baby are priority number one.
With family members especially we can tend to fall into a pattern of how we let them treat us. Don't let people say or do things to you to cause you to get depressed. I often find animal training concepts very helpful in learning to deal with people!
Like Gini said.... I am feeling better so I figure I must be accepting it.
I have been thinking alot about it and decided i'm going to write my dad a letter. That way I can tell them how I feel and get my point across without them being able to put their negitive spin on things.
I really love you guys so much. It really made things easier posting this here. I was scared to, and I don't really know why. ... but I am soooo glad I did. You guys are the best support system ever - and to someone you have never even met.
Thanks so much for your advice.... it helped me to think clearer and I really needed that.
{{HUGS}} to all of ya'll and all your furry babies.... and skin babies. :)
I wish I could tell you how much your support for this means to me!!!!!
Coming in quite late, but ... as the advice already given is healing and wonderful (Gini's really affected me!) I will just send {{{hugs}}}.
Cassy and Livvy send slurps, purrs, and >^._.^< headbumpies >^._.^< to you and your kids.
I also come in quite late- and I am not always a forgiving person.
I have the impression that your parents (and whether they are biological or not doesn't bother me) are less mature than you are.
You dad sure could have decided on a better moment than right now.
But I am with Cataholic: your life will be a wonderful one because it is in you- and that is what you are :)
It does not matter who plants the seed for a tree. The true owner is the one who waters it, nutures it, keeps it healthy and it there to watch it grow and loves it.
I want to share with you my daughter Ries story. Her bio father left when she was about 2 months old. I later met and married a nice man that raised her. He was her Dad, he played with her, held her, laughed at her when she was funny, worried about her when she was sick and actually, the ONLY Dad she knew.
When she was 17, her bio Dad re-intered her life. He did the Mom bashing thing and tried to mess up her head. She called me one time crying because he had accused me of all sorts of stuff and pretty much told her I was not at all the person she thought I was. I will tell you what I told her.. "YOU know your mother better than anybody does, you know in your heart what is truth and what is lie. She has been in your life a lot longer than he has so you know her a LOT better than he could ever know her so you make your own choice as to rather to believe him or not based on what you know about the one who raised you." Her sperm donor died not long after that and she called crying and told me he had been killed, her "father" was gone forever.. And I told her this "Your Dad is not gone, the Dad who loved you all your life is here, waiting for you to come back. The man who died was only a sperm donor, come on back home!"
She will fight you to the end over her Dad. He is not as handsome as he use to be and he is getting old and slow but she loves him, he is her Dad! It does not matter WHO was the sperm donor, what matters was who was there for you all your life, that is who your real Dad is.... Sounds to me like this step dad wasn't much of a father either if he took what he THINKS out on you and how he treated you. Ha! Rie's sperm donor even told her that he did not believe she was his too. I think that is easy excuse men use a lot when they don't want to face their responsiability. A DNA test could fix that right up and put a end to rumor or fact!
I can not add what everybody has posted so eloquently.
But I wanted to give you a BIG hug.
(((HUGS)))
Sorry, I'm late on this too. I think you got some wonderful advise. I, too, am a letter writer, and feel so much better afterwards, putting my thoughts down properly. My concern is YOU and your baby. Your emotional, mental and physical well being is crucial. I'm praying that things will work out for you. It breaks my heart. I haven't even digested this all right now, so I'll keep my mouth shut. I just want you to know that, as everyone has said, we love you. I know we all want to give you a collective hug and comfort you. Sight unseen, we will always be here for you. {Hugs}..