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The Wal-Mart Cat
A
blonde
was
weed-eating
her
yard
and
accidentally
cut off the tail
of her cat
which
was
hiding
in the
grass.
She
rushed her cat,
along
with the tail, over
to
WAL-MART!
Why
WAL-MART?
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
WAL-MART
is
the largest
"retailer"
in
the
world!!!
A Christmas joke ...
What is red and goes, "Oh, oh, oh!" ?
Santa Claus walking backwards :rolleyes:
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot
of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a
sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it
becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya
swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya
breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her
head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the
back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly
gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The
woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks
slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there
'Hind Lick Maneuver,'
but I ain't niver seen nobody do it."
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you b*stards who want off, get the h*ll off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you b*stards who are getting on, get your *ss in the train, cause were going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen."
How do you make a hot dog stand?
Take away his chair. :rolleyes:
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle
of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front
of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, Shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting Rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.
Also present is the devil, who rea lly is a very friendly guy who has a good
time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time
that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would Never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I
think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't
understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted."
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away," said the old lady. "I haven't
got any money, I'm broke!" As she proceeded to close the door, the young
man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too
hasty," he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway
carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder. The
old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
What part of broke do you not understand?
What did the cave man give his wife for Valentine's Day?
Ughs and kisses. :rolleyes:
What's black, lays on the water, and yells "KNICKERS!"?
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CRUDE OIL!!
Hope this one isn't too risque'...
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the affect of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said,"Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the Goatee.
:p
And another... EWWWwww
For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but when another waiter brought our water and utensils I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon. :eek:
Mildred was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl. She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast" Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by
himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house
looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through
every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive
Great one, Pam! :D
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b74/PTCRAZY/kids2.jpg
Newfoundland Valentine's Poem
http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b7...ATT0000111.gif
Fer Me Wife ...
I writes ta say I loves ya b'ye!
Cause I don't say it very much...
Everytime I tries ta cuddle ya
Ya says GET A WAY, DON'T TOUCH!
I tried ta be more gentle
Took me rubbers off outside...
When I tells ya where I was last night
Ya always tinks I lied!
Ya knows I loves me Fishin'
Ya knows I loves me boat...
But you're da life preserver
I needs to stay afloat!
So I got ya sometin' really nice
How much, please don't ask...
But you'll find it a lot easier now
When ya goes ta cut da grass!
Just pull da cord, and stand behind
Steer her as you go...
Next Valentines I'll get ya sometin'
Dat helps ya shovel snow!
So keep up da cookin' and cleanin'
You're de only one I got...
To keep me duds all washed and clean
And me coffee always hot!
You knows dat I appreciates
Your home made buns & bread...
And I hope dat it continues on
Till one of us is dead!
I loves ya b'ye!
Bank Job
A man walks into a bank, gets in line,
and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank.
To make sure he leaves no witnesses he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The customer replies, "Yes," whereupon the robber shoots him and kills him.
The robber quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did."
What do you call a police officer's overtime pay?
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Copper Nitrate.
HIS ASHES
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He goes, "Jeez...oooh....I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
OWN BLANKET
A guy's going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary with him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk. She says, "Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need a blanket!" He says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend you're *Mrs.* Forsythe for a little while? She says, "Oh, I'd like that." He says, "Then get you own damn blanket."
;) ;) ;) ;)
How about the stupid guy who got a job at the candy factory, working quality control, throwing away all the M&Ms that said "W"? :eek: :eek:
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room
seriously discussing a Living Will.
I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever
happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
She's such a b**ch....
A Native American paid a visit to a doctor and said "Doc, I have something that's been bothering me all my life and I need to talk to you about it. I have no nipples." The doctor said "Well, let me take a look. Hmmm, how unusual. Does anyone else in your family have this condition?" The Native American said "Yes, all of us have no nipples." The doctor was surprised, to say the least, and he said "Is that so??? Is there anything else that's strange or unusual in your family?" The Native American said "Yes, there are always only 500 people in our tribe. As soon as one is born, another immediately dies, so that the number always remains at 500." The doctor was shocked and said "What's the name of your tribe?" The Native American replied "The Indian Nippleless 500".
LOL That one made me laugh.
GROOOOANNNNNNNNNN....................:rolleyes::DQuote:
"The Indian Nippleless 500"
A man picks up a ringing cell phone in his country club locker room. It is his wife.
"Hi, sweety, I am at the mall and I just found a fabulous bargain on a teeny bikini swimsuit for only $150! What do you think?"
"Okay," the man agrees.
"Oh, and I took the BMW in this morning and they have the newest ones with all the bells and whistles for only $75,000 ... and they have the one I reeee-ally want," she gushes.
"Okay,' the man again agrees.
"And, sweety, that gorgeous house at the end of the cul-de-sac - the one with the in-ground pool and the huge outdoor kitchen - it's been reduced to $3 million - should I make an offer?"
Once more, the man agrees, "Okay." She tells him she loves him and rings off.
Holding up the phone, the man announces loudly: "Does anybody know whose phone this is?"
Too good not to pass on......
A 5 Year Old's First Job
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally
impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very
own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new
house next door to us.'
'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'
The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f--kin' sheet rock...'
Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn 't it?
lol.
I hope no-one here is offended by blonde jokes but im blonde and i like saying them anyway so...
Heres one:
Two blondes were walking back from the market together both having bought chickens. One said to the other "if you can guess how many chickens i bought, you can have both of them"
"Okay" said the other blonde " ummmm...three?"
Heres one to make you think...
An irishman was captured and was about to be executed.
His captors said" make a statement,
If its True we will shoot you
If its False we will hang you"
"Then here is my statement" said the irishman" I shall be hanged"
Think about it...
I haven't read this entire thread so if this is a duplicate, I apologize.
************************************************** ***
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends
late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's with that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock', the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup', replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch', the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an
ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one
another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You a**hole!
It's one-fifteen in the morning!'
Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?"
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again,the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
I was reminded of this today. It's so long that I won't copy it, just the link.
http://www.badpets.net/BadPets/CatRules.html
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started...
************************************************** **********************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
************************************************** *********************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
************************************************** **************** *
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
A man boarded a plane with six children. After they were settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leaned over and asked,
"Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No m'am. I work for a condom company.
These are customer complaints."
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?' the widow said. 'Just look at you! You have no legs!'
The old gentleman smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
'You don't have any arms either!' she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed??'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'
The wedding is scheduled for Sunday ...
This pic makes me laugh:
http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress...s-daughter.jpg
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light
bulb?
Woman'sAnswer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And,once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* lightbulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light
bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I'm sorry.
What was the question?
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little e later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted
The Male Brain vs The female Brain :D
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.'
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'
The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.'
The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.
A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?'
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO ANY MAN WHO YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT! ;)
How do you know when an obscene phone caller is Canadian?
He starts by saying, "I'm sorry, am I calling at a bad time?"
:D