Hubby makes me mad( good update first op )

I think there are positives and negatives on both sides, frankly. His goal of eliminating debt is to be commended, truly. You will be in a much better place because of it. You can help minimize costs on things like collars and extras for your pets, but using the money wisely on quality food, bedding, etc. But I assume that he agreed on every addition, including the bunny, so he needs to deal with it.

All men aren't bad. I have a very special one now. It took a while. I suggest making every attempt to support his goal, which is a noble one, but he also has to understand waht the basic needs are for your child and for your pets.

Good luck to you. I'm glad you're going through counseling.

Logan

see, his using the excuse for paying off stuff is his controling me part too. He says that to me while going out and buying stuff for him. So I am confused.

He is a good man, in general. But having my personality makes him a lousy hubby.

If I was a stronger person, and didn't let him dominate me, I'm sure he would be a better husband.

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Originally Posted by ashleycat

He is a good man, in general. But having my personality makes him a lousy hubby. If I was a stronger person, and didn't let him dominate me, I'm sure he would be a better husband.

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Sorry, dear, your personality doesn't make him a lousy husband! The only person you can change is you, and if you change, it doesn't necessarily mean that he will change. He will be the same person / controlling husband he is now, until he decides to change. You have to decide what you can live with and pick your battles accordingly. Obviously your pets are extremely important to you (I think we can all relate to that here!). Perhaps there can be some compromise on both your parts? But his feeling like he should be the final word because he's the breadwinner sounds like he really has some issues to work on. You shouldn't have to sneak money or beg him for it. You're husband and wife, not employee-employer. (my ex treated me like that, which is one reason why he's my ex.) Good luck, sounds like you need to talk about this in counseling, it's important for you to be heard, and that may be the only setting you can bring it up in where he will hear you- because another person will also be listening.

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Originally Posted by Cataholic

ONLY, ONLY, ONLY cause you posted it in the form of a question: ANYone that "tells" me what I have to do is not someone worthy of my love, respect, commitment, etc. I know someon will say, "Oh, that is cause you aren't married...compromise, submission, blah, blah"....but, no WAY does someone "tell" me what I, an adult, does or doesn't do.

I would take the husband to the pound. To think you are actually concerned that he would take her to the pound, while he knows you care for her, is rather sick, IMO. :(

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exactly -

I see way too many women in relationships like this and its sickening.

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Originally Posted by cyber-sibes

Sorry, dear, your personality doesn't make him a lousy husband!

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exactly -
HE makes himself a lousy husband.

I can't imagine being married to anyone who controlled me, but I also would never let someone do it. I'm too strong a person and if you ask hubby, I am the controlling one around here ;)

He recently gave me an ultimatium about Allen's peeing. Allen's still peeing everywhere and is still here --- I think he just gets frustrated because we're broker than broke and the house is falling apart around our ears.... at least it shouldn't smell like cat pee! I agree with him but I can't seem to convince Allen not to pee! Ah, but I digress!

My dad is a LOT like your hubby. Mom is stronger than she thinks and getting stronger every day. Dad always said "White walls only!" so last week I painted their livingroom yellow (which he actually liked!), and yesterday I came over while he was at work and painted her kitchen VERY green -- at HER request! I wonder what his reaction was when he came home? LOL He also watched every single penny she spent. So years ago, she realized that she could get money back at the grocery store. She clipped coupons and such more so than ever, then would funnel $20 each week extra at the supermarket. Not that its right, but it gives her some spending cash and avoids many fights over money. My brother and I think its weird that she has to hide money like that about money but it works for her and gives her some freedom.

I'm also a pretty submissive person and will allow people to run over me - but when it comes to my pets that's where I draw the line. Course I've never been in a long term relationship but I also know what I want out of one. Which is probably why I haven't been in one b/c that person doesn't exist! :confused:

For those of you who say 'get rid of the husband'...or 'husband's stink'...I must say one thing.

There are also many wives in this world who 'stink', and many husbands have wives who would be nice to get rid off too. Don't make generalizations. There is a HUGE amount of people out there in the world who have a beautiful relationship with their husbands.

Husbands do NOT stink. Bad people stink...whether male or female, husband or wife. Inconsiderate people stink. Unloving people stink. If you are blessed with a GOOD husband, there is hardly anything that could be a greater blessing in this world. I would NEVER choose an animal over my husband. NEVER. Yes I love animals, and would love to have a whole herd of cats in my house, but you know what? My husband comes first. The LOVE he gives me can never be given to me by an animal, no matter what anyone says. There is something special about the love of a good husband, and the love of an animal, no matter how great, cannot compare to the sincere, devoted love of a human being who takes you as the greatest and most dear soul in his life. That being said, I made sure he loved animals, and would be accepting of my pets in the household *before* we got married, because I love animals, and being prevented from them would not be something I could deal with.

I'm not saying there aren't bad husbands out there. There are many...but to lump all husbands in that generallization is nothing less than disgusting.
Marriage is a contract between two people...a contract based on love, affection, trust, sincerity towards each other...and when done properly, there is nothing more beautiful in the world. The problem in this world is that people don't have any toleration for each other. Husbands don't tolerate the wife's wishes. Wives don't tolerate their husband's concerns. Its no wonder the divorce rate is so high. Marriage is beautiful when you make it beautiful...not when you base life on 'expecting' your spouse to give you everything you want. That is immature. No one can have EVERYTHING they want. Though spouses should respect each others' wishes and try their best to do things that would keep their significant other happy, there will come times when either one of the partners will HAVE TO compromise for the other, and sometimes, it is for the best. Where is the love when you can't make compromises for each other? Why are people so selfish? There was a time when family and family life, caring for each other, etc. was supposed to be a top priority for most people in society. Its a sad thing when family members become a last priority. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone says 'wrong things' sometimes. You don't get 'rid of' family members unless the situation is severe and incurable. Marriage is not about *he's controlling me* or *she's controlling me*. Its about partnership, and you work through life hand in hand, and make decisions together as a family. The solution to problems is not 'get rid of the husband'...the solution to problems is to communicate and come to a conclusion. Her husband is not abusing her, or hurting her, or speaking harshly with her. A small disagreement on a pet should NEVER lead to getting rid of the husband or wife. My gosh...

Now all this is my general feeling on what people are saying here.

As to your husband, Ashleycat, I don't live in your household to know both sides of the story. I understand you love your bunny, and certainly won't want to get rid of him, but you do have to be mindful of your husband's feelings at the same time. That doesn't mean 'get rid of the bunny'. That just means, try to work things out...and I'm sure you are already doing that. The best thing to do is to talk, talk, talk. Communication in very important in marriage. You tell him what you want, he tells you what he wants, and you come to a joint decision together, somewhere in the middle. Your husband should be mindful of your feelings, but you could also try to reduce the amount you spend on the rabbit where you can.

If I remember correctly your husband is working as a pharmacist at Walmart right???

If that is the case I have a VERY good idea of how much he makes and the amount you spend on your bunny is a pittance and this is more of an issue of control than money :rolleyes:

People here make some valid points, in that a marriage is a contract to be worked out. Unfortunately if one party is intractable it makes it very difficult to work out anything. Only you can make the decisions that will make you happy. But as cyber-smiles wrote "only you can change you" and how you react and what you do in response to this situation.

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Originally Posted by shais_mom

I'm also a pretty submissive person and will allow people to run over me - but when it comes to my pets that's where I draw the line.

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Ditto here!

My hubby and I have been together for 13 years (married for 5 of those years) and we've never had "the perfect" marriage.
We have to work Very hard to keep the peace.
Enter Buddy in December of 2002.
Yikes! :eek:
Buddy H-A-T-E-D him from the get go. Rick (the hubby) told me to get rid of him. Rick is the only person the Buddy has snapped at, and he did it twice in the first year.
Needless to say our Bad marriage got worse and one night we had it out, he said if you love the dog that much then leave and take him with you. So the next morning he left for work and I started packing. He came back home 2 hours later and asked where I was going. DUH!!
So... 3 1/2 years later, Buddy hates Rick, Rick hates Buddy and they're both still here! But the door's still open for the Hubby to leave if he wants to! :D
Something that means so much should never be forcefuly taken away from you by someone that loves you.

actually he works for WalGREENS lol and is pharmacist manager

yesturdays battle... I wanted to get my 2nd tattoo. A small closed wing butterfly on each shoulder to match the one I already have. He tells me, if I get another tattoo, he will get rid of my bunny.

I told him he can't tell me what I can and can't do to my body. If he wants to have tons of tattoos, or whatever to his body, then so be it if it makes him happy.

He is my husband, not my father. But most of the time, I feel like he is my father.

So, after I told him he can't tell me what I can't do. I shoved his chair, and kicked off my sandles which went flying. I got DD ready to go, went to park, went to mall, but the child area was closed. Tried to see a movie, but she woudln't sit still. Went to a park again and played. Then we sat in the car for a while. I was gone for about 4 hours or so. Then I cam home. We haven't spoke since.

then today... I get up and wash the car. I see tom head out with my bunny. Getting ready to take her to the pound.

I told him I didn't get the Fn tattoo. HOw am I supposed to get one with a Fn 2 year old with me??

So he put her back.

the tatt isn't important. What got me is the control issue and that he is using my pets to do so.

I don't think he will change. I can't put up with it AND be happy. I hate feeling like a child. I had a dad. I want a husband, not a father. So my option would be to leave. I just need to figure out what and how I'm going to do.

I'm the one that's starting to get violent towards him. I didn't even cry about the above. I just got really mad. So what does that mean?

Well my sister won't let her husband get a tattoo if that makes you feel any better. :D

I honestly don't know what to tell you but him taking the bunny because of the tattoo is pretty mean spirited.

but do the spouses have any right to tell the other they can't get one? I'm sure they have a right to tell them how they feel. But to tell them they CAN'T. I don't get it.

I still can't beleive he was taking off with my bunny.

No honestly its your body but if my husband was really against a tattoo I probably wouldn't get one because harmony in your marriage is more important.

I didn't get it cus I didn't want Annie going anywhere.

I mean, it's not like I'm betting something huge, it can easily be covered by a shirt. I already have one.

Sounds like both of you need to work on compromise, right now it sounds like you are both angry at each other and working against each other. Marriage is a lot of work and frustrating at times, both sides need to compromise.

If money is tight a tattoo is also an unnessary expense.

Are you even trying to get along with your husband???? :confused:

Is he covered with tattoos and constantly getting more? If so, I say "shame on him" for forbidding you to get another one.

Your marriage certainly doesn't seem to be based on love and respect, and I feel horrible for you pets, but I feel worse for your child.

Please take a long, hard look at things and try to work this out for sake of the child that the two of you created.

Just my two cents worth. I have had a failed marriage, and I was single for 10 years before I remarried, but my child came first. Thankfully, my second huband understood that and has been a positive influence on her life.

Logan

he comesfrom a strict conservative catholic family. While I come from the exact oposite. We've had problems for a while now. I did everything to make him happy. Hes very easy to make happy. All I have to do is take care of house, cook and raise our daughter. He keeps saying he will try to do better. Even admitted his controlling. But it's been 4-5 years, and I'm tired of always having the talk with him.

I don't want our daughter growing up thinking she has to do everything someone says, I want her to be her own person. Not what someone molds her to be.

I tried to comprimise. I'm a stay at home mom. And I do things he wants me to do. Like take her to daycare. Which I love having her here. I tried to go to school. Like I promised him, but I got preg my first semester. It always seems everything is about him. I dunno. I'm lost.

He's even heard about comprimising from the counselor. He's not going to change. We don't mesh well. We are complete oposites.

I am not sure what advice to give you but raising your child on your own is going to be very difficult.

No matter what anyone says I don't believe relationships are 50/50 all the time, sometimes you end up giving more or taking more. I think you should have a heart to heart talk with your husband and set milestones for your marriage.

I hope you mean financially. I've basically been raising her on my own. Even with him here. He does nothing with her or for her. I try to encourage him to. He doesn't even really watch her.

Well to be honest maybe you should try to separate if you see no hope, do you still love him? Does he want to stay together?

He wants to stay together. I've lost my " inlove" with him long ago. I've tried to make it work. But he keeps getting worse. I keep getting madder.

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Originally Posted by popcornbird

For those of you who say 'get rid of the husband'...or 'husband's stink'...I must say one thing.

There are also many wives in this world who 'stink', and many husbands have wives who would be nice to get rid off too. Don't make generalizations. There is a HUGE amount of people out there in the world who have a beautiful relationship with their husbands.

I would NEVER choose an animal over my husband. NEVER. Yes I love animals, and would love to have a whole herd of cats in my house, but you know what? My husband comes first.

Marriage is a contract between two people...a contract based on love, affection, trust, don't get 'rid of' family members unless the situation is severe and incurable. Marriage is not about *he's controlling me* or *she's controlling me*.

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w:eek:w pops - you stated your soap box now I'll state mine.
While I have never been married - I think that people that are in a commited equal relationship marriage is great. My parents have a fabulous marriage- my dad respects my mom and dotes on her and is just as in love with her now as he was 45 years ago. That said - that is probably why I haven't found anyone yet b/c I want someone that treats ME that way. My sister is married and quite frankly she needs to get a backbone b/c she isn't treated very well by her husband OR now her children. I will not let that happen to me. My dad jokes that he spoiled me growing up that I'll never find a man that does for me what he did and that is why I haven't found anyone. HE jokes - but the fact of the matter is - it rings with cold hard truth. I was raised to be respected in if I don't always respect myself - unfortunately my sister didn't follow their lead.

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Her husband is not abusing her, or hurting her, or speaking harshly with her.

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Actually in my opinion his attempt at controlling her and him leaving with the bunny is a form of abuse - mental and emotional which while they don't bear the physical signs is some of the worst kind. He has her believing she isn't worthy and in order to have his love she must get rid of the animals and that is wrong.
A lot of other people said that their significant other has stated - "it" goes or I go - but very few have had them follow thru with it. These are the ones that attempt controlling and are challenged and back down. He actually tried to follow thru with it. In your case you say that your husband comes first and that's all well and good but in Ashley's case - SHE needs to come first. B/c his behaivor can only escalate. She stated that she saw her mom live thru it and in a lot of cases young women/kids are attracted to what their parents had - in her case her mother's relationship and in my case - my parents have a great marriage - keep in mind I didn't say perfect either.

Ashley - at least in the counselling - maybe there can be an agreement for a temporary separation until he demonstrates he has changed.

Sounds like you and your daughter and the pets could use a break!

I do wish you both the best, and am glad you are BOTH seeing the counsellor.

I don't mean to offend - but I saw a cartoon in New Woman magazine about 20 years ago. A woman was standing at an ironing board working away, and calling out to her tv-watching husband in the other room: "I want a divorce - but I'll stay on as housekeeper for $800 a month." :D

Of course, rates HAVE gone up!

hugs!

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Originally Posted by Catty1

Ashley - at least in the counselling - maybe there can be an agreement for a temporary separation until he demonstrates he has changed.

Sounds like you and your daughter and the pets could use a break!

I do wish you both the best, and am glad you are BOTH seeing the counsellor.

I don't mean to offend - but I saw a cartoon in New Woman magazine about 20 years ago. A woman was standing at an ironing board working away, and calling out to her tv-watching husband in the other room: "I want a divorce - but I'll stay on as housekeeper for $800 a month." :D

Of course, rates HAVE gone up!

hugs!

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ha ha ha ha.. That's funny.

As one of my bosses loves to say, "the truth comes out in layers". I do NOT mean that you were lying- not at all. Just that the snippet you told in the OP was FAR from how abusive things actually are.

I **knew** there was more, as most 'loving' people don't act like this to one another. You are in a mess of a situation. Uneducated, young (or, it seems), no job and a child. Your husband probably recognizes this, so, he walks all the heck over you, knowing you can't do much about the situation. Shame on him.

But, that doesn't change what you need to do- first, protect your daughter. She is entitled to a home environment free from adults kicking chairs, flinging sandals, taking pets from the home, whatever. (And, btw, why would your daughter be in daycare if you don't work outside the home???? What an expenditure). You need to go back to school. Okay, you got pregnant in your first semester. Last I checked, pregnancy takes 9 months...so, you could have had most of a year done, if not all of it. How old is your daugher? Why haven't you gone back? I do think you are in a bad situation, but, don't make it worse on yourself by playing the victim.

And, whatEVER would make you decide to go get a tatoo, with your child, when money is 'tight' (wasn't that the reason for the bunny?). Really, if I was running around town, with my toddler in tow, getting my second tatoo, maybe my husband would be a little upset, too.

[QUOTE=Cataholic] Just that the snippet you told in the OP was FAR from how abusive things actually are.

[QUOTE]
I think anytime there is an ultimatum and the person follows thru - at the expense of an innocent animal and a child involved - is abuse.
And if she allows things to escalate I see them getting ugly.

I didn't get the tattoo. How could I with my girl with me? I think he's pretty ... not thinking. He thought I got it because I was gone for a few hours. I was mad at him so I took my daugher to the park, mall, then park again. I also didn't get it because I don't want my bunny going to the pound.
He didn't say anything about money when I wanted to get the tattoo. He sais I already have one, he doesn't want me getting anymore. All I wanted were 2 SMALL closed wing butterflies next to the one I have. Nothing drastic.

She goes to daycare 3 days a week from 9-2. It's more of a learning center. For interaction with other kids and to get used to being away from me. His idea, not mine.

I wasn't always acting out physically. Few months after she was born, he started the passive agressive behaviour and controlling more. Thus I get depressed and develop short temper. I'm taking meds now, but they aren't working. For a while I thought I had post partum depression. It took counseling to see that it's.

money isn't really tight. He uses that excuse to control me. He complains when I spend money on my pets, but turns around and gives hundreds to his friends. Including supporting his brother that is taking advantage of him.

As for school.. I have a small learning disorder. So I can only take 2 classes at a time distraction free in order to pass. In highschool, I got bad grades. In college, the same algebra and english. No distractions, no work, no kids. I passed with A's. I tried to finish my 2nd semester. But ended up going into labor before it was up. My daughter isreally clingy. And I have a hard enough time cooking and cleaning w/her on my hip, so I don't think I could study.

If you aren't willing to work at changing things and instead come up with excuse after excuse about why you are where you are in life, things are never going to get better for you.

Sorry, but it's true.

Good luck

I have NO education or experience in childhood development. None. But, I wonder if your child (how old is she??) is 'clingy' because of the situation at home. My child, and the ONLY one I have any experience with, is an only child, not around kids, or other people that much (yikes, I am raising a freak!), but, he is as far from clingy as can be. Maybe just personality differences?

9-2 is a super long day, not to mention it essentially encompasses all toddler nap times. So, maybe clingy is something else?

I think you are in a bad situation. :(

i don't think there is anything wrong with your daughter being in daycare even tho you don't work outside the home. She does need the interaction with other kids and spending time away from you. You said she's clingy. That is probably due to you being home with her a lot - so the daycare should help that a lot.

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Originally Posted by Samantha Puppy

If you aren't willing to work at changing things and instead come up with excuse after excuse about why you are where you are in life, things are never going to get better for you.

Sorry, but it's true.

Good luck

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SP- you said it way better than I could. I can think of several people that 'have it bad', but, are working their tails off to improve there situation. How old are you?

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Originally Posted by Cataholic

SP- you said it way better than I could. I can think of several people that 'have it bad', but, are working their tails off to improve there situation. How old are you?

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I'm one of them. I'm 28.

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Originally Posted by shais_mom

i don't think there is anything wrong with your daughter being in daycare even tho you don't work outside the home. She does need the interaction with other kids and spending time away from you. You said she's clingy. That is probably due to you being home with her a lot - so the daycare should help that a lot.

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From a development standpoint, toddlers (and I don't know how old her child is) do not 'need others' (aka, socialization) until they are 3. They do parallel play, and do not interact, aka, socialize, until that age. Kids are clingy for many reasons. I am not sure it is from too much time with their primary caregiver. She isn't home with her mom 'alot' if she is in daycare 3 days a week, really. I am not a fan of daycare, and do realize it is a necessary evil. But, it isn't in this situation, and could be a factor of the home life.

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Originally Posted by Samantha Puppy

I'm one of them. I'm 28.

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Goofball! I didn't mean you, age wise...I already knew about your age. I meant the OP. She sounds young.

And, you are a tail worker offer, btw. :D

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Originally Posted by Cataholic

Goofball! I didn't mean you, age wise...I already knew about your age. I meant the OP. She sounds young.

And, you are a tail worker offer, btw. :D

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I agree, she does sound quite young.

Yep, I am a tail worker offer. I am a firm believer in that you have to work for things you want and that life was never supposed to be a cakewalk. You gotta do what you gotta do, even if it's what you don't want to do. You have little right to complain about your life choices if you aren't willing to admit mistakes/defeats/hardships, learn from them and try again.

It was his idea. She is 2 yrs, and has only been going for a month. She's always been clingy. From the day she was born I held her always.

I didn't want her going because I've had bad things always happen to me in care of someone else.

She does get a nap there. She lays down and just falls asleep like everyone else. From day one shes done that.

Now at home... call me a weirdo if you must, but I still breastfeed. And she still nurses to sleep and won't go w/o it.

I got with him at 17, he was 21. Married at 19, now I a m24

I would be the last person to call you weird for BF a toddler. Seeing that I still BF Jonah, twice a day. I had Jonah in 'preschool', for 3 visits, my mom went with him. It didn't work. He wasn't ready. Not cause he was clingy, but, developmentally, he wasn't ready. I would not leave my two year old in the hands of someone else (excluding my family, of course) unless it was absolutely necessary. Couldn't do it. Wouldn't do it. To hear you say that you had fears of her going, as something bad happens you when you were/are left in the care of others makes me question your duty to your child. I don't care how married you are, or, if he is the husband to top all husbands, no one controls my responsibility to my child except me.

Does your counsellor know all of what is going on? Are you two being completely honest with your counsellor? It sounds to me that you both need to be doing alot more work on your relationship than is currently being done. Yes, he's controlling and yes you are rebelling against his controls. But at what cost? I think you need to sit down and really think about what it is that you want and whether you can remain in this marriage. Your counsellor really needs to be doing more work to get you two on the same page, if that is indeed what you want. Get to the counsellor right away, both of you and both of you be honest about your situation. I'm thinking the counsellor might recommend a separation period.