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Oh my, these are all wonderful!! AmberLee you outdid yourself. I love the one about cats and staying fit - at 2 AM!!
C & K - the watermelon joke is great!
I once heard that good jokes come from men in prison - because they have nothing else to do........
Anyone else have any ideas?
LOL everyone:D Great jokes.:D
A clever elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. So she told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, an emerald bracelet, and a gold Rolex." "But you're not wearing any of those things!" the artist pointed out.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I die before my husband. If he remarries right away, I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
Aw everybody - - - - - -
http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/.../uquakmeup.gif
These are hysterical - love those 'flight' jokes.
Anna - have already sent your 'Americans Travelling' to daughter Diane in Chicago!! When she gets to her desk at 7.30am your time you'll probably hear the screams of laughter!!!
Lynne
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
Thats good lol. It kinda reminds me of a show I was watching (either Jay Leno or Conan O'Brian)
They were showing how car alarms don't always work. Then they showed 'the new type' where instead of a loud noise when someone breaks it, its a soft, calm voice saying something about jesus watching them or something..then the robber person kinda slowly walked away with a weird look on his face..Hm, I can't explain it, Iguess you would have had to watch it. It was funny though ;D
A blonde joke ....
My First Day on the Job!
A local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde
went in to try out for the job.
After a series of questions that the blonde failed, the
sheriff asked in desperation one final question:
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised, then thought
really hard for a minute and finally admitted:
"I don't know!"
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for
a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to a restaurant where
some friends were waiting to hear the results of the
interview.
The blonde couldn't be happier.
"It's my first day on the job, and it went great."
"I'm already working on a murder case!"
Yes, I AM hooked on the "Cats with Hands" cartoons. Here is 6 Jun 2002's cartoon Enjoy! :D
Q. How do you turn a stallion into a pig?
A. Marry him!
HAHA...this is sad but those little happy/laughy faces crack me up almost as much as the jokes :o
These jokes are great.http://www.emotipad.com/emoticons/astrosmiley.gifI need to find some good jokes to share with you. Thanks for the laughs.http://www.emotipad.com/emoticons/astrosmiley.gif
Q: Why did the blonde only change her baby's diapers once a month?
A: Because the box said "up to 20 pounds.
---------------------------
Q: What do you call a blonde that bleaches her hair?
A: A frosted flake.
---------------------------
Q: What did the blonde call her zebra?
A: Spot.
------------------------------
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink?
A: That's where you wash vegetables isn't it?
-------------------------------
I figured as long as we're on the blonde jokes............
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive blonde lady arrived and bet twenty thousand
dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice
and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up
and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up
all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared
at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb.
LOL Anna, that one is great!! :)
They're all great!!! Wish I could remember jokes!! Keep 'em coming everybody!:D :D :D
this is a "water" joke !!
Bart had bought a new tank for salt-water-fish .
At home he realised he needed salted water .
So he stept in his car and drove all the way to the sea .
There he saw a fisher man and asked him for a bucket of sea-water .Okay , said the man , that will cost you one dollar !
Bart payed and returned home . There he realised he needed much more buckets of the water .
So he drove back to the sea . There the sea had withdrawn , and it was low tide ;
He joined the fisherman and said : well you lucky guy , you seem to have sold lots of buckets today hey !!!!!!!!!!!!
:D :D :D :D
A man is driving on the highway .
Suddenly , a chichen is running besides his car and takes over !!
Waw , he said . That's a fast one !!!!
Next day , he saw the same chicken on the same place .
This time he followed tha animal , and after 20 minutes , he reached a chicken-farm.
The went to see the farmer ,and said : "Aw , you have a fast chicken there ; runs like Roadrunner !!"
Oh that , said the farmer !!!!! Last year , as my wife was pregnant , I realised that from now on , there would be a row every time we served chicken ! We all prefer the drumsticks , and you know , a chicken has only two of those !! So I 've started to try to breeth 3-legged chicken . And as you can see , I succeeded !
Oh said the other man , and , how is the taste ???
Don' know , said the farmer , I was not able to catch it yet !!!
Two parrots were talking in there cage .
Oh my , said number one , it is so hot in here !!!
Oh , said number two , shall I open the door ??
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family. His wife watches TV all day and his three teenage kids have dropped out of high school to hang around with the local toughs.
He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your E-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms."
Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.
By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is helping out by buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse which his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral: "Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor.....than a millionaire."
This guy (it doesn't matter from what state) named Jed was walking down the road one day when he came across his friend, who was carrying a bag.
Jed: "Hey Billy Joe, what you got in that bag?"
Billy Joe: "In this bag here I got me chickens."
Jed: "I sure like chickens. I bet you if I guess how many chickens you got in that bag you give me one."
Billy Joe: "Jed, if you guess how many chickens I got in this bag, I'll give you both of them."
Jed: "Uhhh...four?" :D :D :D
haha. great jokes :D
:) These are all so funny!!! :)
:D :) :D :) :D :) :D
I just caught up with this thread and I'm really enjoying it! LOL! Here's one I got today in an e-mail -
A blonde replaced all the windows in her house with expensive, double-insulated energy efficient windows. Twelve months later she got a call from the contractor, complaining that the work had been done for a year and she had failed to pay for them. The blonde replied, "Now don't try to pull a fast one on me. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm automatically stupid. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves!"
LOL!! I'm like Pam......I'm just discovering this and I can't resist this one:
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to
hire herself out as a
handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby
well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and
asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said,"How much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that
she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to
her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around
the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think
she's dumb?"
"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb
blonde' joke emails we've been receiving."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00
and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
SEE WHAT HAPPENS
One day, a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The
kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck.
There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded
into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter,
dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a
small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with
toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He
was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had
happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading
a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He
looked at her, bewildered, and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home
from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes," was his reply."
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"
This one is kinda..erm..
Ladies night out
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.
The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: " We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties...".
The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you".
2. Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"
Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information.
"We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thanks God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven,"
Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thanks God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our Father Who Art in Heaven! The animal stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thanks God," he said as he mopped his brow...
An 80-year-old couple was worried because they kept forgetting things all the time. The doctor assured them there was nothing seriously wrong except old age, and suggested they carry a notebook and write things down so they wouldn't forget. Several days later the old man got up to go to the kitchen. His wife said, "Dear, get me a bowl of ice cream while you're up."
"Okay." he said.
"...and put some chocolate syrup on it and a few cherries on it, too." She added. "You'd better write all this down."
"I won't forget." He said. Twenty minutes later he came back into the room and handed her a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon.
She glared at him. "Now, I told you to write it down! I knew you'd forget."
"What did I forget?" He asked.
She replied, "My toast!"
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my eye! It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
I hope this isn't too bad to put on here....
The Weather
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2
days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who
will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any....
True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches
you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the
crew did too they were laughing so hard!
A farmer was getting a bit older , so he decided with his three sons how they were supposed to devide the cattle among the three of them .
Look ,he said , my oldest Matthew gets 1/2 of the cattle .
Jo , my second gets 1/4 ; and young Jimmy gets 1/5 !!
A few days later , the father was feeling really sick and wanted to get it all in order . He told his sons to do it as quick as possible !
Two days later , the three man came to their fathers bed and said : Dad , we just cannot do what you ask !!! As you know , we have 19 cows . Now how are we supposed to devide those ????
It is impossible to take 1/2 , 1/4 , nor 1/5 from 19 ...........:confused: :confused: :confused:
Oh you stupid sons , I thought you knew better !!
Okay , I will help you : go and ask farmer Rogers if we can borrow one of his cows just for an hour !!!
okay , that's what they did !
So , how many cows do we have now , said the old farmer ??
20 DAD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
well ,Matthew gets 1/2 of 20 , so that is 10 cows .
Jo gets 1/4 of 20 , so that is 5 cows .
Jimmy gets 1/5 of 20 , so that is 4 cows !!
10 + 5 + 4 = 19 cows right !!???
okay then !!! now take that cow from next door back to his owner !!!!! I can die in peace now !!:confused: :confused:
century gothic 16 teal Bill gates got in a car chrash one day and died and went to heaven. When he got to heaven God was standing there waiting for him God said "Hello Bill im gonna let you chose where you want to spend for ever. " Gee God thanks" said Bill, so god and Bill first went to hell. Bill saw beautiful women runing around clear beach waters and beautiful weather. "God if this is hell then i wonder what heaven must be like!" So God and Bill took a glance at heaven, it was a high cloudy palce, with angels playing harps and flutes. So Bill Decided to go to hell and God said " As you wish bill" A week later God went to hell to see how Bill was doing, but he came to find Bill thrown against a wall flames everywhere and little demons torturing him. "God what happened to al te beautiful women, clear waters and beautiful weather???" "Oh Bill that was just a SCREEN-SAVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!":D
Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: If they flew over the bay they’d be bagels.
Q: What do you call 14 bunnies walking backward?
A: A receding hairline.
Q: Why do birds fly South?
A: Because it’s too far to walk.
Cindy: "I’ve lost my cat!"
Rose: "Why don’t you put an ad in the newspaper?"
Cindy: "Don’t be silly! She can't read."
A fire had broken out. The neighborhood kids watched as the fire truck pulled up. High on his usual perch sat the station mascot, a Dalmation. The youngsters wondered about the dog's function.
One said, "He brings the firemen good luck."
A second said, "He keeps people away so they can work."
A third kid said, "You guys don't know anything. They use the dog to find the fireplug!" :D