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He he he! You sound just like me Kate. Whenever the marriage topic comes up in our house, my face goes like this...:eek:
I guess the reason is I just turned 19, and well...I don't exactly want to get married yet. My parents on the other hand seem to want to prepare me mentally, so that if they ever get a good proposal for me, I wouldn't take it as such a big shock.
Now, in my *culture*, the parents are almost always 'asked' for their daughter's 'hand', by the boy or the boy's family. It is NOT arranged in the sense that when someone asks the girl's parents, and the PARENTS like the person and agree, the daughter HAS to marry that person. Its not like that at all, and when I tell people how our marriage system works, it seems they suddenly assume that's what it is, but later say 'that makes so much more sense' when I explain it to them. I guess basically the guy interested in the girl (or the guy's parents) will go and ask the girl's parents. If the girl's parents think its a 'good proposal', they would go and talk to the daughter. The decision totally depends on the girl though. She has to know who the person proposing is, get to see/know him, and tell her parents whether she agrees or disagrees. If she disagrees, that's the end of things. Its not forced in any way like so many people seem to think.
Actually...even with the son's marriage, in our culture, the parents usually do the 'searching', and help him find a potential mate as they do with the daughter, and of course, the marriage is based on the son's agreement too. I guess in our culture, marriage is basically an agreement between the kids and parents. Both parents and kids usually agree on the person they will marry. I personally like it. The parents are satisfied that the person their child is going to live with will love/care for her as they should, and the couple getting married is also happy with the decision (because the couple, both boy and girl make the final decision). We also have a much lower divorce rate than the overall population, and while I can't say this is the reason, I do believe it might be one of the factors involved. People are generally immature in the early 20s...the age most people get married. If you make the decision yourself, it is possible you might make one that is rather immature. With your parents' help, you have the help of two people who are 20-40 or so years older than you, and have a whole life's experience. I like that when its my time to get married, I will not be on my own, but will have my parents to help me. Doing it this way not only has the couple's happy, but both families are usually very happy too. :D
Your father seems to be very sweet Kate. He obviously cares about you a great deal. You're a lucky girl. ;)
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Yes, I agree with Moosmom on that one. My first wedding was huge and lavish. We spent a gazillion dollars on one day that was a big blur. The second time around, Mike and I just went to Lake Tahoe with a few select family members and married in a cute chapel. We took all the money we'd saved and bought a house. I think it was a much better move. BTW, I was still paying on the first wedding for the first year or two that Mike and I were together. lol.
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My Mamma had one request, that I GET married and get out of her house, ELOPE! To make sure I did, she went with us! (No ladder at the window or sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night! No Sir-rie... Mamma went along with us!)
It wasn't that cold hearted but it sounds funny worded like that.
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I think your dad is very sweet to be thinking of that sort of thing. The issue isn't a father thinking of his daughter as property, its that he demands that whomever is to marry her will respect her and her family.
I'm terribly traditional in that sort of thing.
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First of all, methinks Johanna needs more SLEEP! :p Your post had me LOL! :D
Donna, I have thought about his point of view a bit more since my post and I've realized some things. What really sparked these thoughts for him was probably a family wedding this Thanksgiving weekend, and so these thoughts were not a reflection on my "readiness for marriage" but rather a reflection of his current state of mind. I'm the youngest daughter as well as the youngest child, so he is probably extra protective of me. Thanks for reminding me to think about what he is going through as well. :)
From his point of view, the concern that the husband-to-be will fail to "ask for my hand" is quite legitimate. My sister, his only other daughter, has been married twice now and neither man asked my parents “for her hand.” My father is an Episcopalian priest and has officiated at many weddings. He tells me he has often discovered that the bride's parents were not "asked for her hand" and this "disappoints him." However, you can be sure that my brothers have (in one case) or will (in the other case) make this gesture to their fiancee's parents. (Guess they had the serious marriage talk at some point too...) I would have thought, like some of you, that this would be fairly commonplace procedure, but he has reasons to believe otherwise.
I enjoyed reading about others thoughts on this topic. Thank you all for sharing. :)
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My sister-in-law's boyfriend didn't "ask" for her hand, he did tell her parents (my in-laws) before hand though. He basically said "I love your daughter very much and I'm going to ask her to marry me". That way they knew first, but he wasn't saying "can I marry your daughter".
Justin didn't ask my parents first. Mostly because my mom never payed any attention to me anyway and my dad is a very difficult man.:( :rolleyes:
