parents

I'm sorry to hear that Donna. Your poor mother.

Mary, looks like you and I are in pretty much the same boat! :( My dad is 71 years old, has been through several heart attacks, a quadruple bypass, a balloon angioplasty, both legs being amputated below the knee due to diabetes, and also had another body part amputated because of a gangrenous infection (can't mention the body part on a family site, really, but it's a very important male part). He's been through so much, but is still a chipper, positive, active guy - he's a dixieland musician, so he still plays a few jobs here and there, he can drive a car with hand controls, etc. He lives alone in Southern California, with none of us living near him, but he does great.

MOM, on the other hand - oy, where do I start? She's 67 years old, has had 2 mild heart attacks but is STILL SMOKING :mad: , and has been bipolar (manic depressive) for most of her life. (That's pretty much why my parents divorced 30 years ago.) Her depression made it difficult for her to work anymore (she's a registered nurse), so she went on Social Security Disability about 10 years ago. It's barely enough to live on, and until recently she did not have any good prescription coverage for her plethora of psychiatric (expensive) meds. She was living in a horrible part of Milwaukee, but I couldn't afford to help her with too many expenses. I would give her whatever overtime money I made at Christmas time, and try to help her out with little stuff. Then, when my husband's parents passed away, we inherited an IRA that we decided to use to pay for my mom's rent in a much nicer apartment in a much nicer suburb. I found an apartment that would allow her cats for an extra amount per month, with a private laundry room, attached garage, and every type of store she would need within 3 or 4 blocks. We paid for all the moving costs, including a debris hauler to come and clear out the 10 years of accumulated JUNK and NEWSPAPERS in her old apartment, since her depression causes her to stockpile everything. (They literally parked a dumpster under her living room window and just started tossing stuff out there.) So now we pay her rent, and she pays her utilities and everything else. We also pay for her prescription co-payments, and any meds that aren't covered. We gave her a bunch of furniture, dishes, silverware, TV's, etc. from my in-laws that we didn't need, so her new apartment is completely furnished. But, surprise, surprise........she's still unhappy. (And the newspapers are starting to stack up in this new apartment too........)

I not only get the guilt trip when I don't call often enough, but one time I forgot to return 2 of her phone calls, and she went completely off on us, and even called the county Elder Abuse hotline to report us for abuse :eek: ! She left a phone message completely berating my husband, saying he didn't tell me about her other messages ON PURPOSE, he wouldn't have treated his own parents that way, blah blah. (This after they're both dead and we're using their money to support her......) I totally blew my stack, and reminded her that I have a full-time job, a family of my own, and more things to worry about than when I called her last. (I also DREAD talking to her, so I try to avoid it whenever I can.) She apologized, and we never were contacted by the county, so I guess they didn't see it as an abusive situation ;) . She is in excellent physical health, other than the smoking, but still needs me to drive her places because it's too "exhausting" and "stressful" to drive (yet she insisted I find her an apartment with an attached garage - very difficult in this neck of the woods, too); complains about the high cost of electric heating in this new apartment even though she leaves the sliding patio door open year round so her cats can roam freely (which they are not allowed to do in that apartment complex - I told her I'm not helping her if she gets evicted) and asked me to help pay her heating bills; and tells me EVERY TIME I talk to her, in the first 2 minutes of conversation, that this is the day she's going to die, she really will be dead soon, she's so tired, etc. Every conversation is just a litany of complaints, and it just gets so frustrating. However, I can't commiserate and tell her about my problems and stresses, because then she gets completely overwrought and worried about ME, and says I should quit my job and evict her from her apartment, she'll be dead soon anyway, blah, blah, blah, and just about starts crying, so now I have to always pretend everything is GREAT when I talk to her. I can't imply that anything she does causes me stress, even though EVERYTHING she does causes me stress.

The greatest worry I have now is that the IRA we inherited is really dwindling fast with the stock market in such a bad state - I only have about 3 years of rent money left, and then I don't know what to do with her. My 2 sisters don't contribute a PENNY for her care, (which is another story altogether), so I have to start making plans. I had such a hard time convincing my mom to get out of her old apartment, even though she had begged me to get her out of there, because the "stress" of relocating was just too much for her (even though she did absolutely NOTHING - no packing, no lifting, just sat there and watched the movers). The idea of telling her that she may need to move AGAIN is what I'm totally dreading.

Wow, sorry for the long post - but I needed to vent! ;)

Holy moly, ACGAS. I thought my mother was hard to deal with, but yours has mine beat! Fortunately mine was able to take care of herself financially and had a husband who was a saint.

Wish I could give you some advice about how to deal with your situation, like not to accept the guilt she is trying to dish out, but I know that is easier said than done.

Right now my husband and I are heading toward the golden years ourselves and trying to prepare for what's ahead. I have no children and my husband's daughter has enough dealing with her own issues, so if anyone wants to *adopt* a dog loving Mom and Pop, let me know. ;)

Well, I guess we are in Rachel's boat, lol but quite a bit older than her.
Right now we are the parents, my mother died when she was 51 of a heart attack and my father also died of a heart attack at 64.
I am 67 and have had triple by/pass surgery eight years ago and feeling just fine if it wasn't for old Mr. Arthritis, I kept telling everybody that Don was 74 however he corrected me and said I was wrong he is 73, so there. lol He is in excellent health, he and I do all the yard work now, love to travel with our dogs, gamble, I should say nickle machines, lol, and I keep busy with our dog community on msn. We show our dogs every day how much we love them and we try to make every minute of every day count. We kiss our dogs goodnight and kiss them first thing in the morning. That is true love.
We have altogether 6 kids.
Jackie, Perry and Miss Daisy

I know you said this was for people with elderly parents, (I am 14) but my dad worries about his parents a lot and so does my mom. My mom's mom has had her hip replaced and has a slight limp, and my mom calls every once and a while to check up on her. Her husband, or my mom's dad, is slightly overweight and is on a special diet and my mom makes sure he keeps up on it. On the other side of the family, my dad's dad has been having heart trouble and has been to the hospital quite a few times. His wife, or my dad's mom, just recently was taken to the hospital and had test done because she was complaining of chest pain. Sorry if I violated the rules, but my parents share the same worry that you do.
~ILMAG

Hopefully, the stock market will have picked up before the three years of rent are up. Is she eligible for any city or county assistance with rent/social worker visits/mental health assistance, etc? For example, in my city, which has excellent elder-care systems, there's a bus that will pick up elders (or otherwise disabled folks), and take them to the supermarket or other errands they might have in common.

Is there any chance you could talk to her doctor about adjusting her meds so she's not so unhappy all the time, which sounds like the depressive side taking over ...

Bipolar Disorder is so often misunderstood, and is so difficult to deal with effectively, I do not envy you one bit.

How do I know all this, when my Dad is healthy and my mom deceased? I first went through the whole aging/becoming unable to live at home/ increasing difficulties with everyday things and eventually Alzheimers with my beloved Great Aunt. We lived closest to her, and she and my mom were dear friends, so I was the nearest to help. I didn't mind, we all loved her very much, and Paul and I ended up buying her house! Then, after Bertha was in the nursing home (a wonderful one, I'd recommend it to anyone) my Mom became ill with ALS.

I told people at the time that I knew way more about nursing homes and the whole deal than any other 32-year-old I knew. And now, 5 1/2 years after Bertha's death, it's still all in my head, that kind of thing gets burned right into memory.

abbygirl

theres nothing wrong with you posting about your grandparents.
I just meant, I wanted to be able to talk to others with older parents,and I thought the younger members wouldn't have parents that old. I thought it might get off the subject, but seems like I am the one that got off the subject about my mother when she irritated me! I guess I didnt think of that, if you are worried about anyone in your family, you should share with us. Im sorry.

no its not a problem i just didnt want ya to be mad at me cuz i posted. Im sry my fault

my mum (we say mum here in nz) is 68 and dad is 71, dad had a heart attack two years ago, but hey he made it through it and is doing real well, most of you already know mum was diagnosed with cancer three weeks ago and has had her surgery etc, and is one of the very lucky ones, she is going to be ok, probably considered 100 percent cured because it was found so very early, katz and i have been in contact as we both were going through this at the same time, my heart goes out to her, and she is on my mind, my prayers also katz.
Up until now my folks have been blessed with pretty good health, i certainly dont want to loose either of them yet, they are both young in mind and very good for their ages, they travel alot overseas, not so far away now as they used to, dad owns his own business buying and selling stock and still works Fulltime, I spend a lot of time with my mother, she lives about ten mins drive away from me, and we shop and do all the girlie stuff together, so i would miss her dearly if anything happened to her, we fight sometimes too, but we are close.
I thought i was maybe going to loose her and it really hurt, we all know we have to let go one day, but i did not and donot want her to go suffering. i am sure you all feel like i do