What to do about a crazy inlaw?

Most families have someone in their life that causes pain. I know I do and what I have done is to just cut ties. The back and forth the crazyness is just too harmful to me and I stopped seeing this person 15 years ago.
They have their own demons for sure, something happened to them in their life to make them this way, many things in fact.
But there comes a time when you have to move away to save yourself and I did that.
Not having the love and support of a parent is always tough and extremely painful BUT having a parent continue to do harm to you and your family is worst.
Wishing you the best of luck. Enjoy the wedding and look to the future not the past.

Oh dear - Cindy now has bought MY dress for the wedding. She's called me three times to tell me she picked one up for me from Ross. I am way scared to see what this thing looks like. Just because its my size doesn't mean it fits or looks good. and who knows what size I'll be in a year? I wonder what she wants from me?

Oh wait, I know what she wants..... she asked if she could move in with us. Can you say "HE!! NO!"????

hahahahaha.. move in with you?.. yeah right.. like if that´ll ever happen..

what a wacko.. lol..

I would be insulted that she decided to take the fun of me picking out my OWN dress and tell her "Take it back to the store, I want to pick out my OWN dress and I already have my eyes on several that I just LOVE!"..

Sounds like she wants to own that whole wedding...

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Originally Posted by catnapper

Oh dear - Cindy now has bought MY dress for the wedding. She's called me three times to tell me she picked one up for me from Ross. I am way scared to see what this thing looks like. Just because its my size doesn't mean it fits or looks good. and who knows what size I'll be in a year? I wonder what she wants from me?

Oh wait, I know what she wants..... she asked if she could move in with us. Can you say "HE!! NO!"????

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We made that mistake with Doug's mom defiantely stick to that He!! No aditude. It was hell getting her out of the house and getting her to leave us alone finally.

I would just tell her to take it back. That I want to pick my own dress. Very simple.

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Originally Posted by Laura's Babies

I would be insulted that she decided to take the fun of me picking out my OWN dress and tell her "Take it back to the store, I want to pick out my OWN dress and I already have my eyes on several that I just LOVE!"..

Sounds like she wants to own that whole wedding...

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Cindy doesn't realize that she's taking the fun out of anything. She thinks she's helping. She wants desperately to be part of something. But unfortunately, she can't just be part of it, she has to control it. I think she thinks if she's controling it, then they won't leave her on the sidelines.

True story of my wedding. I met her for the first time that day. She never met my family either. The wedding was at my parents' house and my mom was running things quite smoothly. Cindy came in like a whirlwind. She took it upon herself ot seat everybody (isn't that what the ushers were for?) and she changed the music the girls walked down the aisle to. Mom wanted the buffet line to start at one end of the table, Cindy decided to start it at the other... which was chaos because the silverware was on the wrong end and people where bumping into each other trying to get a place setting. She was supposed to be our wedding photographer, but because she was taking over the wedding before I even knew what happening, she completely forgot to take pictures. We'd like to blame the choas of our wedding on the raging hurricane-like rain, but it really was Cindy.

Back to the dress.... how will I tell her I don't want it? I already said I am awful at refusing her gifts. I got a oak trophy shelf with laser-engraved Major League Baseball logos on it last month. Me... no trophies and no interest in sports. But I got a trophy shelf! woohoo. Its still on the kitchen floor where she left it. I keep hoping one of the cats decides to spray it. No luck so far. :rolleyes:

However do you expect your children to stand up to Cindy when you, as an adult, can't do it?

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Originally Posted by Cataholic

However do you expect your children to stand up to Cindy when you, as an adult, can't do it?

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Because I am terrified my refusal to accept her gift would send her of the deep end. She attempts suicide on a yearly basis. She over-medicates. Under-medicates. Right now she is in the slurring words, forgetting everything mode. Which means she's currently over medicating. I once had a fight with her where her response was an attempted suicide. I would have never forgiven myself if she was successful (the fight was over me telling her to let the kids grow up on their own)

So I accept her gifts and kick myself for not telling her to leave us alone. Its like there's a big elephant in the room with us. My other sister in law thinks she needs to be in a mental hosptial. I agree.

Besides, the whole thread wasn't about getting the kids to stop accepting her gifts.... its about dealing with her insanity! I could completely write a book on the things she gives. She gave my son books for Christmas... they were his books that he'd left there one time. She gave him a Wii game system.... that she liberated from my house. It took us a few weeks to figure out where it went to, only discovered when hubby said something to son about how its gone and nothing else in the house is missing. Son started laughing and told us he got it for Christmas.

Son decided to not live with her, and told her he's not taking the job interview she set up for him. she called us screaming at us that we talked him out of the interview. Um, what interview? So then she called him every 5 minutes for 6 hours. SIX HOURS. He's finally seing what his aunt is really like. He is visitng us tonight and made us promise to not tell her he is here. He's fionally seeing the strings she's tied to him.

I'll be damned if I would be intimidated by a nut case, or afraid to stand up to her for fear that she might harm herself. She KNOWS that she has everyone walking on eggs - isn't that what she really wants??? Start saying no to her, start refusing gifts. If she tries to harm herself, then that's on her, and not on you or anyone else she drags in to her stupid games. It's not your fault if she does, and if she does, then it's just one more way she has of centering the attention on herself. The more you and others continue to play this game with her, the more she will do it. After all - why should she stop when it's all going the way she wants??? Stop being the enabler!!!!

I once had a distant relative threaten suicide if I revealed some damning information to the proper authorities. I told that person that if that's what they chose to do, then go right ahead, but don't try to lay any guilt trip on me! I sent the info to the authorities - and this person is still alive and never attempted suicide. This person now resides in a state prison serving a 40+ year sentence. Had said person actually committed suicide tho - I would not feel guilty in any way.

So is Cindy a criminal??? - in her own way - yes she is! Cut Cindy out of your life, and have your kids do the same. You will never be rid of her if you continue on like this - playing the game her way - and always letting her win.

Is she getting any kind of help for her mental illness? Anyway to refer her to an agency to get her some help? I'm not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but it sounds like she has some substance problems and what almost sounds like boderline personality disorder, especially if she threatens/attempts suicide. There are all kinds of resources out there, not just a mental hospital.

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Originally Posted by Pembroke_Corgi

Is she getting any kind of help for her mental illness? Anyway to refer her to an agency to get her some help? I'm not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but it sounds like she has some substance problems and what almost sounds like boderline personality disorder, especially if she threatens/attempts suicide. There are all kinds of resources out there, not just a mental hospital.

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Lets just say her medical care is a joke. We TRY to get her to real doctors that can help and she cancels her appointment. She is a special case indeed.

As for enabling, I am MUCH better than I used to be. She now thinks I'm "picky" because I tell her not to buy me anything when she says she saw something for me. I am just awful at denying the gifts she's already purchased. :(

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Originally Posted by catnapper

I also am well aware that their wedding is THEIR wedding. We're prepared to sit back and help only when asked for help, and speak only when asked for an opinion.

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Thank you for saying that. As a mother of a son, I'm always dismayed when I hear someone say that this is the bride's day, as though the groom doesn't count a whit. Ashley is perfectly capable of making her own decisions as is her fiance'. Regarding the situation w/Cindy, I would ask myself "What is my payoff for putting up w/this?" There's got to be one; otherwise you wouldn't continue to allow it.

I'm with pomtzu on this. Her suicide attempts help her get her way, and she knows it.

Maybe a wedding is not the time, but she has a choice in her actions. So do you.

What are the laws in your state on involuntary commitment for mental assessment?

Glad you are sitting back on this one. Hope after the wedding the family can make some decisions.

Try a different approach. The next time she wants to buy you or the kids something - tell her that you would just prefer a donation in your name to a favorite charity. Perhaps a Humane Society or rescue group, a church, a mental health facility!!! :eek::rolleyes::eek: If she does actually buy something and dump it on you, then just tell her you are going to auction it on eBay and donate the money to a charity. That way you aren't refusing anything and don't have to feel guilty or responsible for any of her actions.

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Originally Posted by Medusa

Regarding the situation w/Cindy, I would ask myself "What is my payoff for putting up w/this?" There's got to be one; otherwise you wouldn't continue to allow it.

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Read this again - slowly - several times. Why? Because it is absolutely correct and true.

No one wants to be mean about your situation -but you have to decide if you just want to tell us about it - or do you really want to do something about it so you can stop all of the nonsense.

There are toxic people in life - and you need to get rid of yours!!
I wish you great good luck and success here. It isn't easy to walk on egg shells - so stop!!