LOL, that's a great one ChrisH!
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LOL, that's a great one ChrisH!
From Wisconsin, the State that is nationally recognized as having the
highest percentage of binge drinkers in the nation comes a this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park
for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an
eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his
car which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off
(it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on and off, tooted the
horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few
inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more
minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of
the car park and started to drive slowly down ! the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it,"
said the man, "You see tonight I'm the designated decoy."
LOL :D :D :D
Wanna be a bear?
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs.
Yup..... I wanna be a bear.
hehe LOL :D :D :D Gosh, i love this thread! :)
These are all so good........keep 'em coming!
*LOL* that is *so* funny, ChrisH. I think I wanna be a bear, too!
Lawyer: I show you Exhibit 2 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Witness: That's me.
Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken?
- -
Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was tall and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male or female?
- -
Lawyer: Mr. Matthews, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
Witness: I used to be.
Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?
- -
Lawyer: You said she had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?
- -
Lawyer: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
- -
Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.
- -
Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
- -
Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
- -
Attorney: Your foster son, Corey, who cooks for him?
Witness: Oh, I do.
Attorney: How often do you cook for him?
Witness: We have probably one good meal a week.
Attorney: Well, no commentary on your cooking, but how many "bad" meals do you have?
*lol* Amberlee, those are soo funny! I love lawyer jokes!!
LOL :D :D :D
:D :D :D So funny! :D :D
LOL :D :D :D
After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him. "What are your plans?" he asked Joseph.
"I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied.
"Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?"
"I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained.
"And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?"
"I will study hard, and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiance.
The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out.
The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."
Little Joe's kindergarten class took a field trip to the local police station and saw the pictures on the bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One young lad pointed to a photo and asked if it was really a wanted criminal.
"Yes," a policeman explained. "The detectives want very much to catch that bad man."
Joe piped up. "Why didn't you just keep him when you took his picture?
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only
4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball
player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die...."
So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former
president of the United States, I am also the most ambitious woman in the
world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president."
She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, said: "I'm President of the United
States of America, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a
superpower nation. And above all I'm the cleverest President in American
history, so America's people won't let me die."
So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old
school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a
Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. America's
cleverest President has taken my schoolbag."
One day an employee came into work with both of his ears bandaged. His boss asked him what happened to his ears.
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"
"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"They called back!"
Two campers are awakened by the sounds of an obviously large bear outside their tent, looking for food at their campsite. Immediately, Chris pulls a pair of running shoes out of his backpack and quickly puts them on. Incredulous, his friend Michael says, "There's no way you can outrun that bear."
Chris replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."
I always get more blonde and redhead jokes than any other so sorry but I've gotta post them.
A Blonde's Brain At Work
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
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A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Ha ha...I read those two to Mark, Britt, they are sooo funny!!
LOL These are great!:D :D :D
Love these jokes!!! Let"s keep it up!!!:D :D :D Here is a really lame one, sorry:
Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What?" Glenn screamed. "You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion."
The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning "dead and gone"). The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table
before shaking its head and saying, "Meow" (meaning "he's gone"). After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. "$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That's outrageous!"
The vet explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan....
The creation story -- as told by the cat
On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litter box.
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Aquarium: interactive television for cats.
Cat:
1. a lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer.
2. a four footed allergen.
3. a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.
4. a small, furry lap fungus.
5. a treat-seeking missile.
6. a wildlife control expert.
7. one who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes.
8. a hair relocation expert.
9. an unprogrammable animal.
Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.
Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.
Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.
Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.
Dog: a cat's device for running practice.
Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.
Energy: the element of vitality cats always have an oversupply of until you try to play with them.
Human: an automatic door opener for cats.
Impurrsonate: to act like the cat.
Kitten: a small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human sensibilities to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with near-mythical overtones of cuteness. Not recommended for beginners. Get at least two.
Purrade: an organized march of cats.
Purradise: the garden of Cats.
Purramour: a cat lover.
Purranoia: the fear that your cat is up to something.
Purraphernalia: a cat's personal belongings.
Purrch: any favored feline napping spot.
Purrchase: anything bought for a cat.
Purrfume: the scent of an open can of tuna.
Purrgatory: a houseful of kittens.
Purrmission: a feline hunting expedition.
Purrpetual: everlasting feline love.
Purrplex: a house with two or more cats.
Purrson: a male kitten.
Purrsuit: the garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an important meeting.
Purrverse: a poem about a wicked kitty.
Tooraloorailurophobia: an irrational fear of Irish cats.
Tuner: sonar-like device in cat food that causes cats to appear.
Yawn: a cat's honest opinion openly expressed.
Real "Cats" by Stu and Andi Ackerman
"Cats" is the longest-running show on Broadway to date. The show romanticizes and shrouds in mystery the lives and habits of America's most popular pet. Yet,even with the lively dancing and popular songs, "Cats" doesn't seem to capture the true-to-life behavior of our feline companions. Below is a list of what "Cats" would have to do to more accurately portray the true essence of cats.
· Audience members would enter the auditorium only to find their seats had been clawed and covered with fur.
· The antagonist in the show would be a giant vacuum cleaner.
· Sometimes the cast would perform, but sometimes not-depending on their mood.
· Performers would leap off the stage and run up the aisles at the recorded sound of a can opener in the lobby.
· When certain audience members opened their playbills, a cast member would attempt to lay down on it.
· In the middle of a performance, various cast members would curl up and go to sleep, even in the middle of a song.
· For no apparent reason, cast members would randomly run to the lobby and then back to the stage, at top speed. They would then continue as if nothing had happened.
· A special audience member would find a headless bird in his/her seat after the intermission (interval).
· Snack bar employees would constantly be reprimanding cast members for walking on the counter.
· Open the stall door and guess who is drinking from the toilet.
· Part of the performance would include the cast climbing and shredding the theater curtains.
· The stage would be stained from someone coughing up a hairball and then eating it.
· Performers would find sand in the lobby ashtrays and well-we don't have to draw a picture here, do we?
· The show would need to be stopped several times to allow cast members to "bathe" themselves.
· Most of the final act would consist of the cast just staring at the audience.
· The big finale would feature a giant ball of yarn, feathers on a pole, and stray strands of dental floss.
· Theater patrons waiting outside the stage door after performances would get their legs rubbed, if they were lucky.
· Cast members would never cash their paychecks, just play with them.
Pet Food Help Line
DAYTON, OHIO- Iams pet food company's team of customer service representatives handle more than 300,000 inquiries a year from pet owners across the country. Although the majority of calls to the toll-free number are straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, some can be quite unconventional. Here are some of the team's favorite calls this year:
"My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering... how many calories are in a mouse?"
-- cat owner, Omak, WA
"I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?" - cat owner,
Colorado Springs, CO
"Does your dog food help with emancipation?" - dog owner, Lockport, NY
"What should I feed a borderline collie?" - puppy owner, Van Fleck, TX
"What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?" - cat owner, Chicago, IL
"Is it normal for a dog to shed?" - dog owner, Miami, FL
"How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?" - cat owner, Los Angeles, CA
"My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?"
- cat owner, Amarillo, TX
"How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams® Chunks dog food?" - Anchorage, AK
"How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" - pet owner, Ephrata, WA
"Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?" - dog owner, Flushing, NY
"Do you know how to toilet train a cat?" - cat owner, Ontario, Canada
"I have three cats. Is it true that Eukanuba® Cat Food makes the poop smell better?" - cat owner, Wentzville, MO
"Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?" - puppy owner, Chico, CA
"Where can I get a six-toed cat?" - cat owner, El Paso, TX
"I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a tattoo?" - pet owner, North Tonawanda, NY
The Iams Company Manager of Customer Service says, "Although these questions make us smile, they're legitimate calls from concerned pet owners".
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Ten Catmmandments
1) I am the Lord of thy House.
2) Thou shalt have no other pets before Me.
3) Thou shalt never ignore Me.
4) I shall ignore Thou when I feel like it.
5) Thou shalt be grateful that I even give Thou the time of day.
6) Remember My food dish and keep it full.
7) Thou shalt spend most of Thy money on toys and gifts for Me.
8) Thou shalt always have Thy lap ready for Me to curl up in.
9) Thou shalt shower Me with love and attention upon demand.
10)Above all, Thou shalt do anything and everything it takes to keep me happy.
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More "Cat's Rules to Live By." See if some sound like your cat!
All Rules can be broken when you feel like it.
Be astonishingly mysterious.
When in doubt, chase something.
Ignore your mistakes.
Go absolutely berserk for no apparent reason.
If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them "I care."
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Sunday School Lessons
The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the preschool teacher in our Kentucky church decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals.
"I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees."
The children looked at her blankly.
"I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns."
No response. This wasn't going well at all!
"I'm usually brown or gray, but sometimes I can be black or red."
Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who was usually good about coming up with the answers. "Michelle, what do you think?"
Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied, "Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus - but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"
Cat Haiku
Small, brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner.
I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold -
Elevator butt!
My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head.
Want to go outside.
Oh no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
The Big Ones snore now.
Every room is dark and cold.
Time for cup hockey!
In deep sleep hear sound
cat vomit hairball somewhere
will find in morning.
Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.
Blur of motion & sound, then --
silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?
The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds --
your foot just squashed one.
You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore me
sitting on your hands.
Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!
Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams.
My claws are not that sharp.
Dog Haiku
I am your best friend.
Now, always, especially
when you are eating.
I sound the alarm!
Mailman come to kill us all!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
· When certain audience members opened their playbills, a cast member would attempt to lay down on it.
· For no apparent reason, cast members would randomly run to the lobby and then back to the stage, at top speed. They would then continue as if nothing had happened.
· Most of the final act would consist of the cast just staring at the audience.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
The following warning was issued because of recent high water in the low areas of Texas and Louisiana.
STATES ISSUE WARNING...
Louisiana and Texas Gulf Coast Residents
ATTENTION: Golfers, Hikers, Hunters and Fishermen
Due to the current high water situation, the Louisiana & Texas Dept. of Wildlife and Fisheries is advising hunters, fishermen, hikers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators in Calcasieu, Cameron, Jeff Davis, and Allen parishes in La. and Jefferson and Orange counties in TX.
They have advised people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing as to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.
People should recognize the difference between small young alligator droppings and large adult alligator droppings.
Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
:D
LOL AmberLee :D :D :D
Excuses for Missing Work
If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
My stigmata's acting up.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
-- Responsibility makes me nervous.
--They insisted that employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
--I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
--The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
--While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
--I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
--Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
--My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
--I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
--Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
--Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
--Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
--Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
--Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
--I'm a rabid typist.
--Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
The Brits have much to teach us when it comes to truly deadly putdowns...
(The form used for Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from "206s")
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
Human Resources
What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy guide for ensuring success in job placement.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction.
At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
· If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
· If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
· If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
· If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
· If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
· If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
· If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
· If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
· And if they've left early, put them in Sales.
EXCUSES WHEN CAUGHT SLEEPING ON THE JOB
----------------
- "It's okay...I'm still billing the client."
- "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
- "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."
- "I was working smarter -- not harder."
- "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
- "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
- "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
- "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
- "I'm in the management training program."
- Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.
- "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
- "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress.
- Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
- "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
- "The coffee machine is broke ... "
- "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
- "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
- "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
- "I was cross-training for telecommuting. (Next, I watch the Waltons.)"
- "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^ ~ ^
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:
I have an earache...
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
How to screw up an interview
The top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations were surveyed for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. Here are some of their true, yet ludicrous tales:
1."... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2."She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3."A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4."... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."
5."Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
6."When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
7."... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
8."While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
9."During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
10."A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
11."His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
12."... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
13."Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."
14."... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
15."Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
16."Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
17."Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
Résumé Bloopers
Learn from the mistakes of others: Here are a few examples of what not to include on your job application. ...
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voicemanil."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
Real Signs:
· Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts
· Maternity Clothe Shop: We are open on Labor Day
· Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action
· On a Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push
· On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog
· Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place
· Scientist's Door: Gone Fission
· Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff
· Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels
· Butcher's window: Let me meat your needs
· Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition
· Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome Dog food is expensive
· Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment
· Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary We'll hear you coming
· Hotel: Help! We need inn - experienced people
· Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
· Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left
· Veterinarian's: Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes Sit! Stay!
· The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
· Beauty Shop: Dye now!
· Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got
· Computer Store: Out for a quick byte
· Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up
· Bowling Alley: Please be quiet We need to hear a pin drop
· Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria--Socks can eat any place they want
· Music Library: Bach in a minuet
· Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait
· Gynecologist window: At your cervix
· Travel Agency: Please Go Away
Real Stories of the Non-Technically Inclined
- from various sources
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I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
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1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
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I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."
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Tech Support: "What does the screen say now." Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
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My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
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Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
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I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.
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One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?"
I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."
I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
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This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.
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I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
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I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
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I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen."
Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as a common driver's license
in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
And my personal favorite.....
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
Those are good AmberLee.... I am gonna have to print the hormone hostage out to give to my husband.... he is a REALLY GOOD husband but ALWAYS tends to be in the dangerous;) ;)
LOL :D :D :D Good jokes!