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Outdoor Barbecuing
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:
1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a soda.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
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A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House," in French, is feminine--"la maison."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine--"le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you'd waited little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
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If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would now have $16.50 left.
With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
However, if you had bought $1000.00 worth or Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle! :)
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This isn't the greatest joke around, but since Halloween is coming it befits the season:
Two bats were hanging out in their cave one evening.
One bat said to the other that he was really craving some blood, so he flew out of the cave in search of a victim.
About an hour later he returned, blood still dripping from his mouth. Now hungry himself, the other bat asked him where he had found all that blood, and he replied, "OK . . . you know how when you leave the cave and you see that tree on the left? Well . . . I didn't!"
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The Skeleton!
The young son of a doctor is playing in his father's office with a friend while the physician is seeing patients in the examining rooms. At one point, the son opens a closet door and shows his friend an articulated skeleton.
The other boy wants to play with it, but the doctor's son tells him they can't touch it.
"My dad would be angry if anything happened to that skeleton," he says. "He's really proud of it."
"Is he?" asks the friend. "Why?"
"I don't know," the doctor's son answers. "Maybe it was his first patient."
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One liners
*Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
*43.3% of statistics are meaningless!
*Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
*A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.
*Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
*Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician.
*Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.
*The buck doesn't even slow down here!
*Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
*If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.
*Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!
*Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
*Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
*Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
*Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.
*Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
*Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book.
*We do precision guesswork.
*A penny saved is a government oversight.
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AmberLee those are great.. I'm going to send those to my dad he will really like them!! :D
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A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
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Quote-Of-The-Day:
==================
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have
no holidays. Henny Youngman
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A devoutly Christian couple felt it important to own an equally
Christian pet. So, after careful inquiry, they went shopping at
a kennel specializing in Christian dogs. They found a dog they
liked quite a lot.
When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a
flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he
complied eagerly, using his paws with dexterity. They were so
impressed they immediately purchased the dog.
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their
new Christian dog and his religious skills, they called the
dog and began showing him off. The friends were impressed, and
asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog
tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't
thought about "normal" tricks.
"Well," they said, "let's find out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the
command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the guest's
forehead, closed his eyes, and began to pray.
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Halloween story from a little town in New Mexico
This happened in a little town in New Mexico, and even though it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true!
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and
in the middle of a storm. The night was cold and wet and no car went by. The
storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy, with
out
thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - and only then
realized that there's nobody behind the wheel! The car starts very
slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way.
Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. He hasn't come out of
shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears thru the
window and moves the wheel.
The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time
they are approaching a curve. The guy, gathering strength, gets out of
the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he
goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling
everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence
enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying hysterically
and wasn't drunk. About half an hour later two guys walked into the same
cantina and one said to the other........
"Mira, Pedro, that's the Pendejo that got in the car while we were
pu
shing it!"
Happy Halloween!!
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*LOL* KrazyaboutKats! That's GREAT!!! :D
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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Not only that, but....
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
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Those cat pics are great Nicole. :) I've never seen them before.
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A school recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lipprints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Two voters from Palm Beach County FL were hangin' out.
One said to the ther "hey, lets go for a walk."
The other replied, "can't, I'm already chewing gum".
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument, “Welcome to McDonald’s, May I take your order?”
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A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their
teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davey, what sound does a cow make?"
Davey replied, "It goes 'moo'."
"Alice, what sound does a cat make?"
Alice said, "It goes 'meow'."
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa'."
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh... it goes... 'click'!"
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LOL!!! I like the "click"! :D
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Two Types of Drivers
There are only two kinds of drivers: Idiots and Maniacs. Idiots include anyone that drives slower than me, and the Maniacs are everyone that drives faster than me.
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A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me
while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be
there" things.
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra
holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to
eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of
the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can
get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting
mad at me.
Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
Server: "Is that it?"
Me: "Yep."
Server: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
Me: "No, it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication]."
At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He
looks at it kind of funny and says
Sever: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot.
The following conversation occurs between the two of them.
Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
Manager: "No. A what?"
Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
Manager: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH
THING AS A $2 BILL."
Server: "Yeah, thought so."
He comes back to me and says
Server: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
Server: "I don't know."
Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"
Server: "Yeah."
Me: "So, shouldn't you take it?"
Server: "Well, hang on a sec."
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to
shoplift.
Server: "He says I have to take it."
Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and
get change."
Manager: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM
IN HERE." [My emphasis]
Server: "What should I do?"
Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."
Server: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
Manager: "Just tell him."
Server: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."
The manager approaches me and says
Manager: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it
was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor
mall with 100 other stores.]
Me: "Well, here's a two."
Manager: "We don't take *those* either."
Me: "Why the hell not?"
Manager: "I think you *know* why."
Me: "No really, tell me, why?"
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "What the hell for?"
Manager: "Please, sir."
Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
Manager: "Would you please just leave?"
Me: "No."
Manager: "Fine, have it your way then."
Me: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the
phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the
dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few
minutes later this 45 year old-ish guy comes in and says [at the
other end of counter, in a whisper]
Security: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
Manager: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
Security: "Really? What?"
Manager: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."
Security: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [Incredulous]
Manager: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other
thing he has is a fifty."
Security: "So, the fifty's fake?"
Manager: "NO, the $2 is." Security: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
Manager: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of
here?"
Security: "Yeah..."
Security guard walks over to me and says
Security: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're
trying to use."
Me: "Uh, no."
Security: "Lemme see 'em."
Me: "Why?"
Security: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to
eat, so I said
Me: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2
bill."
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking
a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in
his hands, and says Security: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
Manager: "It's fake."
Security: "It doesn't look fake to me."
Manager: "But it's a **$2** bill."
Security: "Yeah?"
Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"
The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot,
and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue. My burrito was free
and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too.
Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what
happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of
people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free
food.
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United Nations Strike Force....
There is a lot of talk about the United Nations creating a
combined strike force with troops from several nations included
in it.
Could it work? Let's take a look at one operation. A combined
force beach landing on a tropical island. When the troops hit the
beach.........
The Royal Marines go fishing.
The US Marines wait for CNN to arrive.
The French don't care whose beach it is; it's French territory
now, and say the English gave them no other choice.
The Canadians watch the Americans very closely, then offer guard their landing strip.
The Dutch have a beach party and smoke some dope saying the
English don't understand them.
The Italians go sunbathing.
The Germans land and build a car factory.
The West Indians go looking for the Dutch.
The Austrians just watch the Russians and Germans.
The Chinese win the natives hearts and minds then kill them.
The SEALs arrive after dark and kill anyone who is not a SEAL.
The Aussies and Kiwis land then start fighting each other over a
sheep.
The South Americans send a contingent of 2000 generals.
The South Africans start shooting at anyone with a tan.
The Saudi's start drilling for oil.
The Russians open a chain of massage parlours.
The Brit airborne troops get charged with murder even though they have not opened fire yet.
The Spanish are late.
The Portuguese are late but blame the Spaniards.
Delta Force makes a movie about the landing.
The Greeks and Turks turn up then send a bill to the Yanks and
Brits.
The British Army cannot come because all six of them have flu.
The Japanese don't know who owns what ships and decide to sink them all.
The Californian National Guard contingent won't land until
someone opens a Starbucks.
The New Yorkers paint their Amtrak's yellow and will take you
ashore for 50 bucks.
The Irish Army will be late because they say they are stll
celebrating St. Patrick's Day.
The Israeli's start building a kibbutz and shell the Palestinians
as a precaution.
The Scandinavians like it off shore and stay there killing whales
for the Japanese.
The Polish tunnel under the beach looking for coal.
The Palestinians say it used to be theirs but the English gave it
away.
The Oklahomans have no damn idea what a beach is.
The Scottish claim to have found the beach first but accuse the
English of stealing it.
The Texans look for anyone bad mouthing them.
The Mexicans invade Arizona by mistake.
The Welsh say it's King Arthur's last resting place but the
English stole it.
The Swiss apply for a bank charter.
The Lybians blow up two UN planes.
The UN will send an Ambassador if the member states pay their
dues.
The Kentuckians open a KFC.
The Panamanians ask the U.S. what they should do.
The Floridians demand a recount and free Prozac.
The EU want to set up a commission of 50,000 administrators paid for by the English.
The Swedes just want to screw.
The Michigan contingent issue a safety recall and sue General
Motors.
The Matell Corp. sends 10,000 GI Joe's and one Barbie.
Some guy from Tennessee swears that Elvis and Jimmy Dean are just over the dunes.
The Rumanians and Albanians finally arrive and surrender.
The Coloradans cut off the Kansan's water supply.
H. M. The Queen will give anyone a Knighthood if they can grab
her a few hundred acres or find a job for Charles.
The New Hampshire contingent declares that everyone there is
Sooooo Cruel and open a soup kitchen.
The North Koreans have no idea what is going on but blame America anyway.
Washington State NG builds a monument to Bill Gates.
The Pakistanis build a Motel Six, a convenience store and gas
station.
Jimmy Carter arrives and declares peace.
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LOL these are so funny! Anna, your $2 bill story, I could just picture it all, had me laughin tears! Thanks for sharing.
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Me too LOL Anna - I'd have loved to have seen that shop managers face!!
Lynne
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Blonde Joke
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde and the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall blonde, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is a blonde, 6' 2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6' 5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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The Cure
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home andtake a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."
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Staff Descriptions
Outgoing Personality………Always going out of the office
Good Communication Skills………Spends lots of time on phone
Average Employee………Not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified………Made no major blunders yet
Work is First Priority………Too ugly to get a date
Active Socially………Drinks a lot
Family is Active Socially………Spouse drinks, too
Independent Worker………Nobody knows what he/she does
Quick Thinker………Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker………Won't make a decision
Aggressive………Obnoxious
Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs………Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Themselves Well………Speaks English
Meticulous Attention to Detail………A nitpicker
Has Leadership Qualities………Is tall or has a loud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgment………Lucky
Keen Sense of Humor………Knows a lot of dirty jokes
Career-Minded………Back Stabber
Loyal………Can't get a job anywhere else
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Topical humor
HALLOWEEN DICTIONARY
Bobbing Apples:
What happens when you leave your bra off while running.
Boogieman:
Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.
Coffin:
What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.
Frankenstein:
Hot dog and a mug of beer.
Full moon:
What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.
Goblin:
How you eat the Snickers bars you got for Halloween.
Invisible Man:
What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."
Jack O' Lantern:
An Irish Pumpkin.
Jack the Ripper:
What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.
Mummy:
Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.
Pumpkin Patch:
What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.
Skeleton:
Any supermodel.
Vampire Bat:
What Dracula hits a baseball with.
Witch:
See "Mother-in-Law."
Zombie:
What you look like before that first cup of morning
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LOL everyone!!:D I love those AmberLee!!:D :D
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This was my first laugh of the day! Hope it makes you laugh as well :D
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ga/2002/ga021027.gif
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I just adore Garfield! Thanks!
Blonde to a long distance telephone operator.........
Blonde: "Can you tell me the time difference between Las Vegas and Taiwan?"
Operator: "just a minute.........."
Blonde: "Thank You" .....and with that she hung up.
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Hahaha, just a minute!!! :D
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Model Dental Patient
The Hammetts were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Hammett made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Hammett turned to his wife...
"Show him your tooth, Honey."
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Loved the blonde one Gini!
A lady walks into a Ferrari dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to sh*t yourself when you hear the price."
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