LoL these are too good!!
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LoL these are too good!!
lol :)
A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"
bwahahahaha!!!!!!!!! :D
LoL. Anna, that is so funny! :D :D :D
run like crazy....too funny!
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
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A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE
1. Men are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
2. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
3. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
4. The other night I ate at a really nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
5. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder in the car these days no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?
6. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
7. According to a recent survey, men say that the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say that the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
11. I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.
12. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world IS weird and people take Prozac to make it seem normal.
13. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
14. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
15. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?
16. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd have come to me sooner."
17. You read about all these terrorists-most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk."
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."
I loved that one about observations on life, what a trip! :) lol
Q: What does an athiest say during sex?
A: Oh, Darwin! Oh, Darwin!!
Q: What's 200 feet long and has six teeth?
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson Concert.
LOL Too funny. :D :D :D
A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
:D :D :D
The Hearing Aid
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems
for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the
doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing
aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor
and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family
must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family
yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!"
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.
"What's it for?" one asked.
"I don't know," the other replied. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mom and Dad."
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
LOL :D :D :D
LOL :D
You know it is time to reassess your relationship with
your computer when....
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a
computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really
depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they
have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you
landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
Sound like anyone you know:rolleyes:
There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist.
Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!".
The atheist yells back, "There is no God". She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord". The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the groceries she's asked for, of course she shouts "Praise the Lord".
The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God".
The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord! -Not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!!"
Doesn't that brighten up your day!?
SEND SOMEONE OVER QUICKLY!" THE OLD WOMAN SCREAMED INTO THE PHONE.
"TWO NAKED BIKERS ARE CLIMBING UP TOWARD MY BEDROOM WINDOW."
"THIS IS THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, LADY," THE VOICE REPLIED. "I'LL HAVE TO TRANSFER YOU TO THE POLICE DEPARTMENT."
"NO, IT'S YOU I WANT," SHE YELLED. "THEY NEED A LONGER LADDER!"
LOL :D :D :D :D
Anna & Amberlee, those are just so funny. Thanks.:)
Garfield is my favorite thanks for sharing! :)
LOL Everyone! Too funny. :D :D
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What can we do for you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith on Hwy#1...
he is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Well, we thank you very much for the tip-off call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left shaking their heads.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday Buddy!"
Words that should exist . . .
ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) -- adj. Being able to drive and read a road map at the same time.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) -- adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) -- n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or ear).
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) -- n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUZZACKS (buz' aks) -- n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) -- n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DIMP (dimp) -- n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') -- v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) -- n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) -- n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELBONICS (el bon' iks) -- n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) -- n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
FRUST (frust) -- n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) -- n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.
NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) -- n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') -- n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) -- adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) -- n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup' kus) -- n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) -- n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
How Much Is That Barbie In the Window?
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mail and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager
"How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have:
'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95...
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95...
'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95...
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95...
and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00".
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."
The hearing aid joke is absolutely hilarious, I just loved it. LOL! Thanks so much for sharing, brought a great smile to my face. :) :)
LOL This is too funny. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) -- adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet:D :D :D
I didn't realize how blase I'd become about dressing/personal hygiene in front of my cats until my young niece visited last time. She was in the bathroom and called me in a panic to remove the cats so that she could function there: they were staring at her and it was freaking her out! Poor darling -- it does take a bit of a leap at first. :D :eek: :oQuote:
Originally posted by krazyaboutkatz
...PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) -- adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet...
>^o_o^< <-- woo-hoo! staring cat!!
This is a good one:D
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
LOL!!!:D
LOL Anna :D :D BTW I love your Halloween themed avatar and signature picture. :)
Duck Food?
A duck walks into a hardware store and says to the clerk "Got any duck food?" to which the clerk replies "No."
The next day the duck walks into the hardware store and asks the clerk again, "Got any duck food?" The clerk impatiently replies, "No!"
The duck goes into the hardware store for a third time and asks the clerk, "Got any duck food?" The clerk whirls around and says, "If you ask me that one more time I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!"
The duck comes back a fourth time and asks the clerk, "Got any nails?" The surprised clerk answers, "No, we just ran out." So then the duck replies, "Got any duck food?"
Thanks! I just love Halloween!Quote:
Originally posted by krazyaboutkatz
LOL Anna :D :D BTW I love your Halloween themed avatar and signature picture. :)
I've heard an ending to that story...it goes like this..Quote:
Originally posted by anna_66
This is a good one:D
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
The young man sputtered, "but she's not my mother"
The clerk says "You DID call her your mother didn't you" to which the young man says "umm yes but no but nothing!" before leaving the line and dashing out of the store. He runs out into the parking lot where the lady is just about to pull out. He yanks open the door, shouting at the poor old lady. Everybody in the parking lot started to stare in horror as he starts pulling the lady out of the car. He's pulling her arms...her legs...harder and harder he pull on her leg...just like I'm pulling on yours!
Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?"
"Yes," she replied. "I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!"
Q: Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops?
A: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.