children can be so destructive, but we still love them. Ha!
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children can be so destructive, but we still love them. Ha!
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.
Better to be safe than...punch a 5th grader.
You can lead a horse to water but...how?
Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new... math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
Love all, trust... me.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's... pollution.
A penny saved is... not much.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
Lol So funny, and so true!:D :D :D
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."
An old lady called up the police department and got a policeman sent to her address. She told him, "Officer, there's a man exposing himself in the building next to mine!"
The concerned officer said, "Where is he, lady?"
"Right over there! He's still shamelessly baring himself!"
The officer couldn't tell where she was pointing. "I'm sorry, but I still can't see a naked man over there."
The old lady pulled him over to her window. "Oh, you have to look through this telescope."
On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a room in their church. After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they decided to take off all their clothes and paint naked. An hour later, someone knocked on the door of the church.
"Who is it?" they called out.
"I'm the blind man," came the reply.
The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them. They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting. They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.
"Okay, sisters," he said, "where do you want the blinds?"
lol I love it, the first garde proverbs thing was hilarious.
LOL Niina (did I spelled ur name ryt?). too funny!!! :D :D im laughing my head off right at the computer!
Aspire To Greatness
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to
become a "great" writer...
When asked to define "great", he said, "I want to write stuff that
the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly
emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in
pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
A Beautiful Wife
My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests
in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes
fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep.
Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
Three Wishes
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started
using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy
godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant
them!"
Her mom first asked for world peace.
Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.
Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children.
Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her
third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll
need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
See attached.
Yes, you spelled my name right :) and I'm glad you liked the jokesQuote:
Originally posted by ellensy
LOL Niina (did I spelled ur name ryt?). too funny!!! :D :D im laughing my head off right at the computer!
that was a cute cartoon, thanks for sharing!
thought this cartoon was funny, check it out.
A farmer was sitting at the table while his wife was
preparing dinner. His wife dropped a spoon and bent
over to pick it up. As she bent over the farmer said,
"Honey, your butt is as big as a combine."
The wife picks up the spoon and continues cooking
with no comment to her husband. As she put the dinner
on the table she dropped the pepper shaker on the floor.
While she was bent over picking it up the farmer said,
"Honey I take that back. Your butt is as big as two
combines!"
The wife picks up the pepper, sets it on the table and
begins eating with any comment to her husband. Later
on that night after the couple had gone to bed the farmer
started feeling a little frisky. As he cuddled up to his
wife he noticed that there was no response on her end.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder and asked her what
was wrong.
She replied, "Do you really think that I am going to
fire up $300,000 dollars worth of machinery for one
LITTLE corn cob???
A person who speaks three languages is called "tri-lingual," and a person who speaks two languages is called "bi-lingual," but what do you call a person who only speaks one language?
American!
LOL :D :D :D
lol
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone
-------------------------------------------------------
A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.
After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.
He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.
He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.
"You got a problem, buddy?"
"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
:rolleyes:
Niina, that cartoon is a riot! Ya just gotta love her slippers!
You know, that's what I saw first, those funny slippers! They're great! :DQuote:
Originally posted by gini
Niina, that cartoon is a riot! Ya just gotta love her slippers!
LOL funny cartoon!
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themsleves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tell them
"The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says, "How well can you do?"
"Um -- I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says.......
"Liver alone, Cheese mine"
It was raining heavily the day my friend Andy drove to a client's store to arrange a display. Next to the shop's entrance, he noticed a car with its driver ready to back out of the parking spot. He decided to wait so he could take her place.
After ten minutes, however, he got a little impatient and tapped on the horn. The car still didn't move, and Andy finally drove to a spot much farther away. As he slogged passed the car on his way to the store, he scowled at the driver -- and was met by the blank stare of a German Shepherd sitting in the driver's seat!!!
:D
cute one!:D :D
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his painting that were on display. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentlemen inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all fifteen of your paintings." "That's wonderful," exclaimed the artist, "What could be the bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor."
lol :) :D :) :D
LOL :D
Delivering Lunch
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various
appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
Ok, I got one, but no offense to the blondes!!
A red-head walks into an Adult Novelties store and says to the man behind the counter, How much for that pink blouse? The man says, $25. She buys it and leaves. A brunnette walks in and says, How much for that purple blouse? The man says, $50. She buys it and leaves. Then a blonde comes in and stares up at the shelf, Ooooh, she says, How much for that shiny-silver blouse? The man says, $100 she buys it and leaves. Later the man's business partner returns and asked how things went, his partner replies, I sold a pink blouse for $25, a purple for $50, and your Coffee Thermos for $100!
LOL :D :D :D
During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"
With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."
LOL :D :D :D
Kitchen Signs
I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat, too!
Ring Bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!
You may touch the dust in this house, but please don't write in it!
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking, lower your standards.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My house was clean last week; too bad you missed it!