A woman proudly told her friend, "I'm responsible for making my husband a millionaire."
"Well what was he before he married you?" the friend asked.
"A billionaire."
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A woman proudly told her friend, "I'm responsible for making my husband a millionaire."
"Well what was he before he married you?" the friend asked.
"A billionaire."
Great jokes everyone!! :)
I always thought that "redneck" was a term for people who came from the south of the USA :confused: Could it mean both or am I completely wrong?Quote:
Originally posted by FloppsyLadySally89
Does anybody have any redneck jokes? I have red hair, and I love to hear redneck jokes!! ;)
OMG, if that is true then that's one of the coolest, smartests and funniest way of adopting out an animal that I've ever heard! Huge kudos to them :)Quote:
Originally posted by Pam
Got this tonight in an e-mail. :)
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship,
> > ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who
> > LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in
> > your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips,
> > cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
> >
> > Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your
> > hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll
> > be at the front door when you get home from work,
> > wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.
> >
> > Call 555-1212 and ask for Daisy."
> >
> > Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local
> > Humane Society about an 8-week-old black LABRADOR
> > retriever.
LOOC@lovemymaltese's three wishes story. That one was hilarious!
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF:
Your nicest towels say, "Property of Motel 6".
The photo on your driver's license includes your dog.
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You sit up all night with a sick dog, but make your wife stay up with a sick kid.
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
When you take your trash to the dump and you return home with more stuff than you left with.
You walk your dog & you both use the same tree down on the corner.
You might be a redneck if...
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your fourteen-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
6. You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
7. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
8. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all, watch this."
9. Your Junior/Senior Prom had daycare.
10. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are; "Gentlemen, start your engines!"
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
18. You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
19. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
20. Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
21. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
These are hysterical but this is the one that made me laugh out loud!! Great job everyone. Laughing is good for us all!Quote:
Originally posted by Tanya&Fritz
You might be a redneck if...19. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
This really made me smile. It could very well be Bella having a chat with Tessa, our doggie next door neighbor. The human on the ground would of course be me! :o
http://www.offthemark.com/Images/gar...ardening01.gif
lol, that is too funny. Thanks for sharing.
I Think
There's 3 women at this bar. A blonde, a brunette and a red head.
They walk into the women's bathroom. On the mirror, in small
print, a note says, " If you say something honest about yourself,
you will be rewarded." "And if you lie, you will vanish forever."
The brunette says, " I think have the most beautiful head of hair."
Poof She vanishes forever.
The red head says, " I think I have the most beautiful body."
Poof She vanishes forever.
The blonde says, " I think.." Poof.
Boring Book
A blonde walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I
borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever
read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many
characters!"
The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our
phone book."
Nobel Prize
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a
farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He
pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that
the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking
at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the
farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what
are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are
out standing in their field."
No Gentleman
A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from
a shopping spree, was walking down the street
when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her skirt.
The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled.
The woman snaps at him, "Well, I can see that you're
no gentleman!"
The hillbilly says, "And I can see you ain't one, neither!"
LOL These are great. http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lol4.gif
A lawyer was opening the door of his BMW when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.
"Geez! Could you be more materialistic?" asked the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
The lawyer finally noticed the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.
"Oh my gosh! Where's my Rolex???!!!"
Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone
Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell station!
Q: Why did the chicken scientist cross the road?
A: To invent the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
A: To corrupt the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken IRS representative cross the road?
A: To bankrupt the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
A: To get to the car accident on the other side.
Q: Why did chicken Dr. Kevorkian cross the road?
A: To help the patient find the other side.
Q: Why did chicken Jim Morrison cross the road?
A: To break on through to the other side.
Q: Why do birds fly South?
A: Because it's too far to walk.
:eek:
This is cute! :D :D :D
Is the cat big or is the room small :D
LOL, Cool pix! :D :D :D
Thanks for the redneck jokes!! I really love them!! I want to print them all out and show them to my friends at work, but it's like 400 pages!! Wow:eek: :eek: .
You know you could copy & paste them into notepad or wordpad & make the font any size you want, then it wouldn't be so many pages:)
Great pics Niina. :D
Yeah, I'm going to do that. It would be really cool to take to school! I printed out a few, and my friends loved it!
Had a couple of funnys in my e-mail today.
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A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual?"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual... because he hated the book!"
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Professionalism Test
Read this out loud as fast as you can:
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dummy cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word only, in each line from the start.
Okay just found two more!!
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Quote-Of-The-Day:
==================
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown.
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ALTHOUGH many men in our rural area have difficulty accepting women's lib, my husband helps with the housework. One day he took over the vacuuming while I went to the store.
The doorbell rang. It was one of his friends, a burly ranch foreman clad in a battered cowboy hat, faded jeans and worn boots. "I was just cleaning," my husband said somewhat abashed, turning off the vacuum.
The rancher looked relieved. "That's all right," he said gruffly, handing my husband a white paper bag. "I'm delivering Avon!"
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lol, that's too funny. I think that I may have seen one like that before, somethings are different though.
LOL Too funny. :D :D :D
The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are in it.
;)
- Mess Test
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
- Toy Test
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks if you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
- Grocery Store Test
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
- Dressing Test
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
- Feeding Test
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
- Night Test
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
- Ingenuity Test
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
- Automobile Test
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a rake along both side of the car. There, perfect!
- Physical Test (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.
- Physical Test (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
- Final Assignment
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, and toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
lol, that was a good one!
LOL :D :D :D
frequently receive calls from pollsters asking me to participate in telephone surveys. One woman began with a barrage of questions.
"Wait a moment," I said. "Who are you and whom do you represent?"
She told me and immediately continued asking questions.
"What's the purpose of this survey?" I asked.
"Sir," she replied irritably, "I don't have time to answer your questions." Then she hung up
Things Found Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
The Great Wizard of Oz
The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."
"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"
Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"Is Dorothy here?"
:D LOL! That was a good one!!
While attending US Army's Airborne School..... Day before our first jump, the instructors (known as SGT Airbornes, students are called 'Ariborne') demonstrated all the possible malfunctions one might encounter. After watching a total malfunction, i.e. the parachute fails to deploy, one of the students asked: "SGT Airborne, if we have a complete malfunction, how much time do we have to deploy our reserve parachutes?"
"Airborne, you have the REST of your life to deploy that reserve!"
Gulp.
I recently bought one of those large watertight camera cases. The thing is solid as a tank and is designed to be air-dropped in the jungle, etc. It comes with a lifetime warranty with the following proviso:
"This warranty excludes damage caused by sharkbite, bear attack, or children under 5."
Lol :D :D