heehee, hilarious!!! :D
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heehee, hilarious!!! :D
A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.
too funny! :)
LOL :D
LOL Great jokes everyone. :D
Quote:
Originally posted by Casper & Kitty
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Do-you-think-he-saur-us.
...
:D :cool:
This triggered my desire to re-watch Jurassic Park again, and the follow-on question is...
Drumroll, please....
What do you call a blind dinosaur's dog?
Do-you-think-he-saur-us Rex
:D
Some Thoughts on Exercise
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when
she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where she is!
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain
figures out what I'm doing.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our
toes, he would have put them further up our body.
I like long walks, especially when people who annoy
me take them.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach
covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you
die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start
with a small country.
I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
Misc thoughts
1. I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
2. I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
3. Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends
be fat.
4. My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor
with a glance.
5. I cleaned my house yesterday. Sure wish you could
have seen it.
6. This isn't clutter; these are my antiques!
7. Discover wildlife! Have kids!
8. Our policy is to always blame the computer.
9. Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
10. Take my advice. I'm not using it!
11. Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive
you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.
12. I love to give homemade gifts... umm, which one of
the kids would you like?
13. By the time you find greener pastures, you can't
climb the fence!
14. This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.
15. Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till
the feeling passes.
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"
LOL :D :D :D
Have you seen the newest Barbie doll? She is called Divorce Barbie, and she comes with . . . all of Ken's stuff! :p
And here's a couple for the youngsters:
Q. Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
A. Because their horns don't work.
Q. Why don't you ever see a dead crow in the road?
A. Because there is always one on a telephone pole yelling, "Cah- cah-cah!"
Avajoy, that Barbie joke is a good one! :D
In a large supermarket, a man approached a very beautiful woman and said, "I've lost track of my wife in here. Could you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
I've read a lot of these jokes but not all of them so sorry if I post something that's already been posted...
This one cracked me up. :D
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F
are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for...
It is about time you became informed!
{A} - Almost Boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double Damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{F} - Fake.
Kinda dumb...
A mama mole, a papa mole, and baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup."
The mama mole sticks her head out the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell honey."
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, to sniff the air, but can't because the
bigger moles are in the way so he says,..."Geez, all I can smell is.......
Are you ready for this....
Hold on....
Here it is.....
MOLASSES!!!!!!!
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs, have a
new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy,
bouncy, definitely Caucasian, white baby boy!
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"What will you name the baby"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
"Well . . . . . . . two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we
will name him Sum-Ting Wong.
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
BUT. . ..
If it just sits in your living room,
Messes up your stuff,
Eats your food,
Uses your telephone,
Takes your money,
And doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.
Then, You either married it or gave birth to it!
LOL, that's a good one! For me, it's not true though, LOL, phew!
Top Ten Reasons God Created Eve...
10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he
wouldn't ask for directions.
9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the tv.
remote. (It has been noted that men don't want to see what's on TV;
they want to see WHAT ELSE in on.)
8. God knew that Adam would never make a Dr.'s appt. on his own.
7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one
for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never
be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
4. As "keeper of the garden", Adam would need help in finding his tools.
3. Adam needed someone to blame for the eating of the fruit off the tree
incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."
1. And the number one reason of all (drum roll, fanfare, etc...), God
stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared, "I can do better than that."
:D Those are good ones Amy!
****************************
Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"
"Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"
LOL Gee, i love this thread :D
:DMe too ellensy.:D
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife
something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So
he decides to buy her a cell phone.
She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her
and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings
and it's her husband.
"Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies, "I just love it! It's so small and your
voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't
understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Walmart?"
:D :D :D Edwina's Secretary! That's a good one!
that one is funny, thanks for sharing!
http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/rofl.gif These jokes are too funny. http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/.../bouncebig.gif
The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Don O'Brian was called for his question session.
"Property holder?"
"Yes, I am, Your Honour."
"Married or single?"
"Married for twenty years, Your Honour."
"Formed or expressed an opinion?"
With a sigh, "No, not in the last twenty years, Your Honour."
LOL :D :cool: :D
There was a man who had worked all
of his life and had saved all of his money
and was a real miser when it came to his money.
He loved money more than just about anything,
and just before he died, he said to his wife,
"Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my
money and put it in the casket with me.
Because I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart
that when he died, she would put all of the money in the
casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the
casket, the wife was sitting there in black, and her
friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the
ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to
close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!'
She had a box with her, she came over with the box
and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked
the casket down, and they rolled it away. So
her friend said,
"Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that
money in there with that man. " She said,
"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that
I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket
with the man?" " I sure did,"
said the wife. "'I wrote him a check."
Sara, although I heard a different version of this joke, it was my father's all time favorite.
Whenever there is a discussion about money and greed, I love to tell the joke.
light headed patients one was good. thanks!
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God:
> > > >> >> "God, I have a problem!"
> > > >> >> "What's the problem, Eve?" asks God.
> > > >> >> "God, I know you created me
> > > >> >> and provided this beautiful garden
> > > >> >> and all of these wonderful animals
> > > >> >> and that hilarious comedic snake,
> > > >> >> but I'm just not happy."
> > > >> >>
> > > >> >> "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
> > > >> >>
> > > >> >> "God, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
> > > >> >>
> > > >> >> "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution.
> > > >> >> I shall create man for you...
> > > >> >> But this man will be a flaw
ed creature,
> > > >> >> with many bad traits.
> > > >> >> He'll lie, cheat, and be vain glorious;
> > > >> >> all in all, he'll give you a hard time.
> > > >> >> But, on the plus side, he'll be bigger,
> > > >> >> faster, and will like to hunt and kill things.
> > > >> >> He will look silly when he's aroused,
> > > >> >> but since you've been complaining,
> > > >> >> I'll create him in such a way
> > > >> >> that he will satisfy your physical needs.
> > > >> >> He will be witless and will revel in childish things
> > > >> >> like fighting and kicking a ball about.
> > > >> >> He won't be too smart,
> > > >> >> so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
> > > >> >>
&
gt; > > >> >> "Sounds great," says Eve,
> > > >> >> with an ironically raised eyebrow.
> > > >> >> "What's the catch, God?"
> > > >> >>
> > > >> >> "Well ... you can have him on one condition."
> > > >> >>
> > > >> >> "What's that, God?"
> > > >> >> "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant,
> > > >> >> and self-admiring...
> > > >> >> So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.
> > > >> >>
> > > >> >> Just remember, it's our little secret...
> > > >> >>
> > > >> >> You know, woman to woman."
> > > >> >>
>
>
Great one, KAK!!!
Great Fathers
=============
Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.
The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an
arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!"
The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"
Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: "Sorry, dudes... but MY DAD is the fastest. He's a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,... and he's home by 3:30!
;)
ha! I have always like the little johhny jokes. :)
Oh KAK...I've forwarded the Adam and Eve joke to all my girlfriends! It's great!
It was spring in the old west.
The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.
As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...
"Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!
Does anybody have any redneck jokes? ;)
Got this tonight in an e-mail. :)
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship,
> > ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who
> > LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in
> > your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips,
> > cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
> >
> > Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your
> > hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll
> > be at the front door when you get home from work,
> > wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.
> >
> > Call 555-1212 and ask for Daisy."
> >
> > Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local
> > Humane Society about an 8-week-old black LABRADOR
> > retriever.
LOL Pam that was too funny. http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/.../bouncebig.gif
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.
As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.
This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and cried, "Oh merciful heavens! Am I driving?"
For you...Quote:
Does anybody have any redneck jokes? I have red hair, and I love to hear redneck jokes!!
A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls
to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He frantically blurts out to the operator,
"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"
The operator, trying to calm him says,
"Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, and then the
operator hears a loud gun shot!!!
The redneck comes back on the line and says,
"OK, now what?"