HE HE HE!!!!! http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/JUMP3.GIF http://www.plauder-smilies.de/lach.gif
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Lol@killer rabbit. Poor wolfie though. :( Reminds me of the bunny in Monty Python and the Holy Grail!
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.
Sign on music teachers' door: "Out Chopin."
Sign at the electic company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
Sign in beauty shop window: "Dye now!"
Sign on a garbage truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
Sign at a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
Oh, this one cracked me up LOL LOL LOL :D :D :D
Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.
After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.
Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."
The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
"Duane, where's your homework?" Miss Malone said sternly to the boy, holding out her hand.
"I don't have it," the boy replied. "My dog ate it."
"Duane, I've been a teacher for twenty years. Do you really expect me to believe that story?"
"I swear it's true!" insisted the boy. "I had to force him, but he did eat it!"
LOL @ the deaf one and the homework-eating dog
Great jokes! Glad to see this thread still going strong :)
A very religious man wanted to prove his faith in God. So, he tied himself to a pylon in the ocean, with the water up to his chest. As the tide started to come in, a boat came by. The man in the boat said, "Hey, what are you doing? Get in my boat and I will save you." At which time the man said that he had total faith in God and that He would not let him drown. As the water neared his head, another boat came by. The man stopped and said the same thing. To which the near drowning man stated, "I have total faith in my God. He will not let me drown." So, the boat went away. A third boat came by. This boater was frantic, being that the water was lapping at the man's nose. But the response was the same. As the last boat left, the water rose above his head and the man drowned. Walking around Heaven, the man was clearly confused. Then he saw God. "Lord, I had total faith in You. Why would You let me down like that? You made no effort to stop the tide!" At which time God stated, "H! oly Cow, man, what more did you want from Me? I sent you three boats!!!"
Never say to a Cop...
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.
Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
The Blond and the Sheep
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.
A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"
The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
How do you Stop a Skunk Smelling?
Plug its nose!
There where two snakes in a bar there names were Fred and Eddy.
Fred asked Eddy ''Why do they measure us in inches ''.
Eddy says ''It's because we have no feet''.
Polar Bear Father/Son Talk
One afternoon in the Artic, a father polar bear
and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow.
The son polar bear turned to his father and asked,
"Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"
The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son,
you're 100% polar bear."
A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns
to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the
truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No
brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"
The father polar bear replies, "Son, I'm 100% polar
bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are
definitely 100% polar bear."
A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear
AGAIN turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't
think your sparing my feelings if it's not true.
I gotta know -- am I 100% polar bear?"
The father polar bear was distressed by this
continued questioning and asked his son, "Why do
you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"
"Because I'm freezing!"
lol :)
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
"First Question: Which tire was flat?"
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
LOL :D :D :D
Niina, your jokes are terrific!
lol
glad you like them, here's few pics then :D
cute!
hamster tennis :D
just hanging
help, I'm stuck!
cat burger :rolleyes:
best buddies :)
:D
surround sounds, that's funny!
Niina, LOL, ur jokes and pix are hilarious!!! Keep 'em coming. :D
I agree. LOL:D :D :D
Grammar
=======
Johnny's Teacher paid a visit to his house one day. When little Johnny opened the door, she asked "Are your father and mother in, Mr. Morton?"
"They was in, but they is out now." he answered.
The teacher gasped, "Why, Mr. Johnny Morton, it is 'They were in, they are out now.' Where's your grammar?"
"She's upstairs taking her nap."
LOL AmberLee, I LOVE Little Johnnie jokes! thanx for that one!
A man on a bike, carrying two sacks on his shoulders, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border. "What's in the bags?" asked the guard.
"Sand," the cyclist replied.
"Get them off. We need to take a look."
The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in the city.
"Hey, where have you been?" the guard asked. "You sure had us wondering! We knew you were smuggling something across the border. So tell me and I won't say a word. What was it?"
The man smiled and told him the truth. "Bicycles!"
A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"
The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."
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What weighs 2,000 pounds and pinches?
An elephant wearing a tight tuxedo!
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What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot.
What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly but a fly can't bird. :rolleyes:
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What's black and white and red all over?
An embarassed zebra!
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A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, ''Now, what do I give them to drink?" :D
A blonde and her father are walking down a street when the father says, ''Look, a dead bird.''
And the blonde looks up and says, ''Where?''
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NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, "Pig #1, do you know your mission?"
The pig replies, "Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink."
Then NASA Control asks the second pig, "Pig #2, do you know your mission?"
The second pig replies, "Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. Oink oink."
Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?"
The blonde woman replies, "Ummmmmmm.... Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed the pigs - and DON'T TOUCH A GODDAMNED THING!"
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
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A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away."
The brother thought about it and apologized.
"So how's Mom?" asked the man.
"She's on the roof and won't come down."
It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “I'm going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.
But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay!You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Do-you-think-he-saur-us.
Ok, have a nice weekend ya all! :D