The mourning process - a personal experience
For Katz's tribute page , I have now written about the time following her passing, and I would like to share this here. I know that grieving is different for everyone, but maybe some of my experiences look familiar...
This is what I have just written, and I hope it does not upset anyone. Working on Katz's website, and facing all the sad losses here lately :(, the memories of that horrible time after Katz's death came back very intensely:
Although this is very personal...
... I have decided to write it down, as the time following her passing is now an important part of my relationship with Katz, and should be remembered as well.
When I came home that night with an empty carrier, I felt totally numb. I had just buried my little fur friend in my mother's garden, and now I came home to a place that felt so empty and dark without her. I immediately disposed her litter box and food bowls, as I couldn't stand looking at the now abandoned objects. It was late, but I went online. At that time, I was posting a lot at the Bret Hart bulletin board, and the people there already knew about Katz's disease and where praying for her recovery. I informed them about their passing and got the most heartwarming replies. It's been also the first time I heard the Rainbow Bridge poem. I was glad to have such a place to go.
The same night, I started working on her tribute page, I just couldn't go to bed before I did that for her.
The next morning was simply awful, that devastating moment when the memories came back, and when you realize it's been no bad dream, but the sad truth...
I went to work, and immediately removed my Katz wallpaper from my computer, I just couldn't stand looking at her. My co-workers realized that something was wrong, and when I told them what happened, they hugged me and were very understanding. From that moment on, I couldn't stop crying anymore. Eventually my boss removed me from my desk, he didn't want a sobbing secretary in the entrance hall of his company. I tried to concentrate on my job, but gave up at noon, as I felt physically ill meanwhile. I drove home and continued working on Katz's tribute page.
I heard sounds in my apartment, just as if she was still around. It's been cruel: You heard something and thought Katz had just moved on her chair, the next moment you realized she's no longer there.
Coming home from work was especially hard: When I went up the stairs to my flat, I automatically started looking foward to Katz, as I did for many years, and seconds later it hit me that there was no feline friend waiting for me anymore. I think this is one of the reasons why I decided very soon after Katz's passing to get another cat.
From friends I heard about a family whose cat had a litter of five kittens. One of these kittens was Luna. They have been born the same Easter weekend Katz has been diagnosed with her fatal disease. Luna was the one kitten from that litter that sat down next to me, and that was the moment I knew she would be my next cat.
But for some more weeks, I was still alone. I found that my online friends were a great source of comfort; even though people in real live have been understand as well, I felt more comfortable with the BHBB people. One of them even mailed me a book, "Chicken Soup for the Pet Lover's Soul", and I cried many tears for Katz while I read.
I started listening to music again. When Katz became so ill, an online buddy from the Netherlands sent me an mp3-file to comfort me, a song called "Unsterblich" ("Immortal"). I couldn't listen to that after Katz's passing, and to these days, I still avoid it because it's bringing back so many memories. But I started listening to other songs, I think "Supergirl" by the Irish/German band Reamonn was the first song I could stand. I also found comfort in Bell Book & Candles' "See Ya". Later that month, I bought the new Bon Jovi-cd, "Crush", and to the tunes of "It's my life" and "Thank you for loving me", I put Katz's photos into an album. That was the last May-weekend, when I found out that could finally look at her pictures again.
A few days later, Luna moved in. She was the cutest and most lovable kitten you could imagine, and with her, happiness came back to me, and my rooms were no longer empty. You cannot be sad with such a sweet little girl around! But Luna did not replace Katz, and the long way of grieving did not end with the day of Luna's arrival. I didn't expected it to be, and it wouldn't have been fair anyway. But Luna was the sunshine that came back to my life.
The months following Katz's passing, I talked a lot to animal lovers world wide, and eventually decided to build a website to remember our friends at the Rainbow Bridge. The idea of my Virtual Pet Cemetery was born, and I created that page in October 2000 and dedicated it to Katz. While I worked on it, I felt the healing process beginning, and eventually I was ready to give Luna the unconditional love she deserves.
Come into my heart
Can you feel my desperation deep inside
Come into my soul
Can you see me - here I'm far away from you
See ya - be sensible and let me go
See ya - you'll stay my soulmate although
You should say good bye
For now say good bye
You know these rainy days of our life
You can make it if you try
You know I will be right by your side
One day we will meet in another life
Come into my heart
I'm searchin' you so desperatly forever more
Come into my soul
So must I put up with this cruel infinity
See ya - be sensible and let me go
See ya - you'll stay my soulmate althoug
You should say good bye
For now say good bye
You know these rainy days of our life
You can make it if you try
You know I will be right by your side
One day we will meet in another life
(See Ya, Bell Book & Candle)
