HAHAHA***Priceless Horse Jokes!!!
Things one should never say to their farrier...
-If you will just give each of the dogs a piece of hoof they will get out from under the horse and quit fighting.
-As much as you charge, I should get to use that truck too.
-If you get that done in 30 minutes, you’ll be making $160. per hour.
-That’s not the way they did it on that horseshoeing show.
-I see who makes all the money in horses farriers!
-My last farrier couldn’t finish they gave me your name and number.
-You don’t mind if I feed the other horses, do you?
-Are you sure you have them on the correct foot?
-If he didn’t kick like that, I’d trim him myself.
-Would you mind trimming my new BLM mustang?
-Can we shoe him in the arena? If he rears in the barn, he hits his head.
-You sure earned your money on that one!
-I forgot you were coming; I just turned all the horses out.
-Can you make it after six, or on Sunday, I have to work.
-I just cannot believe that he bit you.
-I read all about the "Natural Way" to trim on the internet, and you’re supposed to...
-Did that hurt?
-I know that he is difficult to shoe, but he is so good on the trails.
-It doesn’t look like he’s leaning from here.
-Good morning glad you’re here can we reschedule? I have a lot going on today.
-It’s so cool that he can "balance" on just two feet.
-Can you shoe him so that he doesn’t paw?
-Don’t tell my husband that I used the grocery money.
-Most times when he kicks, he misses!
-Just do the hinds I’ll do the the fronts.
-I left the checkbook in the car, and my wife/husband just left can you bill me?
-I’m sure glad you don’t mind working on muddy feet.
-Does it mean my horses have some sort of deficiency when they chew the paint off your truck like that?
-This horse does forge, also interferes, and sometimes hits his knees.... we need to keep the price down on this bill.
-I got a bargain on these shoes at a rummage sale, could you use them instead and save me some money?
-Oops! Wrong horse.
-I know I said just a trim, but can we shoe ‘em as well?
-My weanling colt needs a trim, and I figured you could halter break him at the same time.
-I’ve got a new horse whose feet are in pretty bad shape. The previous owners said their farrier wouldn’t work on him.
-I know it’s been a long day for you; that’s why I saved the worst one for last.
-If my other farrier’s ribs weren’t broken, he’d be able to get shoes on this horse.
-It’s a good thing you’re slow today, or he’d have had shoes on when he kicked your truck.
-My grandpa used to shoe horses like you, only he used a sledge and a corn knife.
-I don’t understand why the shoes didn’t stay on. I just had them done 12 weeks ago.
If Horses Were in High School, What Cliques Would They Be In?
Quarter Horses: Definitely jocks. Strutting around flexing those muscles, showing off their butts...definitely jocks.
Thoroughbreds: Preppies. Sometimes athletes, never 'jocks'. Monogrammed blankets, leather halters, Nike eventer shoes, the latest custom trailer and tack. They are the "new money" rich.
Appaloosas: Could only be the stoners. They like to trip acid so they can watch their spots move.
Arabians: RAH! RAH! SIS BOOM BAH! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TEAM!! (need I say more?)
Shetland Ponies: Frightening, spiky hairdos, snotty attitudes and any color of the rainbow .... gotta be PUNKS. Some even sport tattoos.
Friesians: Big, buff, and always in black, they are the biker clique. Cigs hanging out of the corner of their mouths, dangerous glint in the eyes, daring anyone to cross their path.
Morgans: They're the nerdy teacher's pets, running around doing everything from yearbook to decorating the gym and ratting out the bikers, stoners and jocks. They have perpetual wedgies.
Drafts (all breeds): No real clique, they're just the big guys who sit in the back of the room and fart a lot (and then laugh). Who's going to STOP them?
Icelandics and Paso Finos: They're the little squirrely geeks who flit around a dance trying to fit in and fail miserably. The kind who wear Toughskins jeans from Sears (or would that be ripoff WeathaBeetas??).
Ahkle Tekl (Akle Takl? Ackle Tackle....!! Akhal Teke!!): Foreign exchange student(s). And no one can spell their names either.
Hackney Ponies: A breed this manic would have to be a band geek. Marching along with their knees and heads held high.....even going to the bathroom.
Warmbloods: Old Money Preppies, as opposed to the TBs who are new money preppies. All their tack is imported from Europe, they drink Perrier water and eat only organically grown feed. They look down on everyone and talk amongst themselves about summer in Paris and skiing in Gstad and wasn't it dreadful how provincial Spruce Meadows has become?
Identification of the Female Equestrian...
EASY TO LOCATE. She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.
UPHOLDS THE DOUBLE STANDARD. Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when you need a shave.
OWNS ONE VACUUM CLEANER and operates it exclusively in the barn.
A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY, providing the party is given by another horsey wife. Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions.
ECONOMY MINDED. Won't waste your money on permanents, facials, or manicures.
A CULINARY PERFECTIONIST. Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies your dinner in the microwave.
OCCASIONALLY AMOROUS, but never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, slight trace of chapstick.
EASY TO OUTFIT. No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. You can find all she wears at your local tackstore.
FEATURES A SELECTIVE SENSE OF SMELL. Bitterly complains about your sticky-sweet cigar smoke while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.
UNMISTAKABLE IN A BATHING SUIT. She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists
A DEDICATED CLUB WOMAN, as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in its name.
HAS YOUR LEISURE AT HEART. Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture which, in turn, converts itself into mud.
A MASTER AT MULTIPLICATION. She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.
KEEPS AN EAGLE EYE ON THE BUDGET. Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars, but croaks when you blow ten on a tie.
AN ENGAGING CONVERSATIONALIST. Can rattle on endlessly about training.
SOCIALLY AWARE. Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.
A MOVING FORCE IN THE FAMILY. House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from your job.)
EASY TO PLEASE. A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.
SENTIMENTAL FOOL. Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.
SHOWS HER AFFECTION IN UNUSUAL WAYS. If she pats you on the neck and says "you're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you!
One day in Heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul, and Saint John were standing around near the horse paddocks, bored, watching the horses frolic.
"I know!" Peter exclaimed. "Why don't we have a horse show?"
"Who are we to compete against, Peter?" Paul asked.
The trio pondered this a moment when Peter said, "We'll invite Satan. I mean, all of the World and National Champion horses are here. His stable is filled with the spoiled, difficult, and mean horses. We're certain to win!"
And so they called up Satan and invited him to their horse show. Satan asked why they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat them.
Peter, Paul, and John did not understand. Incredulous, Peter asked, "We have all of the champion horses in heaven! How could you possibly beat us?"
Satan laughed and replied, "Have you forgotten, gentlemen? I have all the judges in heck!"
I would like to welcome all of you to this month's online meeting of Horse-Aholicas Anonymous.
You may be sitting there thinking that you are OK, and don't really need any help. It is not easy to realize that you are a horse-aholic, and even harder to bring yourself to a HA meeting for help. HA is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask to try to determine if you can be helped.
Can you say 'sheath' in public without blushing?
Do you know exactly what 'snaffle' means? (No, it is not a drink!)
Do you drive a truck with some type of towing package and/or dual rear wheel when everyone else you know drives a real car?
Do you have more than one type of trailer because you own horses?
Do you spend your holidays going to shows, sales, clinics, and seminars when everyone else goes on cruises?
Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make a doctor leave in disgust?
Do you consider formal wear clean jeans and freshly scraped boots?
Does the inside of your home look like your interior decorator is 'State Line Tack'?
Do you often have barn boots on your front porch?
Is your mail made up primarily of breed magazines and horse catalogs?
Do your shirt pockets often contain bits of feed, hay, and empty syringe covers?
Do you worry about paying your monthly feed bill before you think of paying your electric bill?
When you meet a person, do you ask how many horses they have, and pity them if the answer is none?
Do you remember the name of a great-great-great grand sire when you can't remember your own Great grandfather's name?
Is your primary dream in life to breed the perfect foal?
Do you find non-horse people boring?
Is 99% of your e-mail about horses?
Do you have a collection of bits even larger than your collection of horses?
Does you halter collection include more than four foal halters, all the same size?
Do you know more than five people this list fits exactly?
If you answered YES to three of these questions, you are in pretty good shape. You will lead a long, dull life, and never call your mother and tell her "I'm in the hospital, but everything is fine! The horse is OK."
If you answered YES to 10, you are in serious trouble. Give in gracefully, and become a member of Horse-Aholics Anonymous now... You will qualify eventually anyway.
If you answered YES to 15 or more, you are incurable.
My advice to those who, like me, are incurable is as follows.....
Sit back, smile, read your email, and know that your life will always be filled with good friends and better horses, and it will never be dull.
The Top Ten Reasons To Ride Dressage
Found ice-fishing too stimulating.
I enjoy wearing full formal wear rain or shine.
Who wouldn't love spending afternoons riding in circles getting yelled at.
Just love subjecting friends and family to my latest equine video spectacular.
My chiropractor needs a new car.
Wanted to find a place my husband wouldn't go - aka. the barn.
Had tired of spending cold winters by the fire, and hot summers by the pool.
My lawyer wanted me to have 3 judges.
Lived for the sport where I could say "Piaffe" to the judges.
I had way too much money in my bank account.
Murphy's Horse Laws
There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
The least useful horse in you barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month.
A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.
Your favorite tack always gets chewed on, and your new blanket gets torn.
Tack you hate will never wear out and blankets you hate cannot be destroyed.
Horses you hate cannot be sold and will out live you.
Clipper blades will become dull when your horse is half clipped.
If you approach within fifty feet of your barn in clean clothes, you will get dirty.
The number of horses you own will increase to the number of stalls in your barn.
Your barn will fall down without baling twine.
Hoof picks always run a way from home.
If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.
If you are winning, quit there is only one way to go. Down!
How to interpret classified horse ads
BIG TROT: Can't canter within a two mile straightaway
NICELY STARTED: lunges, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet
TOP SHOW HORSE: won a reserve champion 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to tornado warnings
HOME BRED: knows nothing despite being raised on the back porch
BIG BONED: good thing he has a mane and tail, or he would be mistaken for a cow
NO VICES: especially when he wears his muzzle
BOLD: runaway
GOOD MOVER: runaway
ATHLETIC: runaway
NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER: runaway
SHOULD MATURE 16 HANDS: currently 13 hands, dam is 14.2, sire is 14.3 hands,every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 15 hands, but *this*horse will defy his DNA and grow.
WELL MANNERED: hasn't stepped on, run over, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week
PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED: hasn't stepped on, run over, bitten, or kicked anyone for a month
RECENTLY VETTED: someone else found something really wrong with this horse
TO GOOD HOME ONLY: not really for sale unless you can 1) pay twice what he is worth 2) are willing to sign a 10 page legal document 3) allow current owner to tuck in beddy-bye every night
LIGHT CRIBBER: we can't afford to build anymore fences and barns for the buzz saw
EXCELLENT DISPOSITION: never been out of the stall
CLIPS, HAULS, LOADS: clippity clippity is the sound his hooves make as he hauls butt across the parking lot when you try to load him.
The practicality of Dressage Queen's
A husband and DQ were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
The DQ glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The DQ says, "That's it; I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if we divorce, there will be no more horse shopping trips to Europe, no wintering in at the Florida circuit, no 4x4 dually diesel with aluminum 6 horse trailer with full living quarters in the garage, and no groom. But the decision is yours."
Just then the DQ notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim? " she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is prettier," says the DQ.
HAHA okay if youre not familar with equine talk you might be raising an eyebrow or two by the end of this LOL ...
Say these things anywhere but around horse people adn youll be sure to get some nasty looks!!
-He won't come into my hands.
-There's nothing like having 17 hands between your legs.
-I'm gonna get off now.
-More leg less hand.
-It was a great ride, but he's kinda sticky.
-He needs a good 20 minute warm-up.
-Relax your back, don't pinch with your knees ... go with the motion.... rock your pelvis......
-When he gets excited he really foams up.
-If he's not ridden 5 days a week he gets cranky.
-I rode yesterday, but Suzy's riding him today.
-Go ahead, ride him, you'll like it .... he'll be good for you and teach you quite a bit.
-He can be ridden twice in one day.
-Push!!!!
-Go Go Go!!!
-He's being a pig ... get his head up.
-He bends to the left, but he's really stiff to the right.
-He really over-reacts when I sit down into him.
-Smack him if he refuses.
-Clean it quick before he sucks it back in.
-Is she a maiden?
-Can I pat your Ass?
-Has anyone seen my breast collar?
I laughed SOO HARD outloud at the farrier and ad ones!!!!!
