Is your cat from outer space?
Have you ever suspected that your cat may be from another
planet?
Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat standing
on top of you, peering into your face, as if poised to
perform some diabolical extraterrestrial experiment? When
you feed your cat, does he or she look up at you skeptically
as if to say, "My rations in the space pod were much better
than this". If so, your cat may be from outer space.
How to Tell If Your Cat Is from Outer Space
If you suspect that your cat may be from another planet, ask
yourself these questions:
* Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat
fighting with extraterrestrial beings from another dimension
that no one but the cat can see?
* Does your cat often simulate life in an anti-gravity
environment by rolling on his back to look at you upside
down, or stretch into peculiar ballet positions in your
arms? Does your cat pretzel into strange sleeping postures
that suggest she has undergone extensive astronaut training?
* Does your cat try to communicate with
extraterrestrials by meowing at the TV, sitting on
short-wave radios, lying on the computer monitor, or in any
way attempting to serve as an antenna for a piece of
consumer electronics?
* Does your cat stare at walls for hours as if receiving
radio messages from the mothership through the plasterboard?
* Does your cat respond to the phrase "Beam me up!"....?
Does your cat respond to anything in Klingon?
* Does your cat meticulously push the sand around in her
litterbox so that it looks crater-pocked like the lunar surface?
* Does your cat's style of communicating with your
computer seem more advanced than your own? For instance,
does the cat sit on the monitor and look at it upside-down,
or lay on the keyboard until the computer won't stop beeping?
* Does your cat seem more intelligent than you are
sometimes -- and superior to you as well?
If you've answered "yes" to any of the above, your cat may
be a visitor on earth, sneakily gathering reconnaissance
information to aid his race in their plan to conquer human
civilization and blanket the earth with carpet-covered kitty
condos. Whatever you do, don't give him directions to the
carpet store.
What Cats From Outer-Space Look Like
Cats from outer-space look very much like ordinary cats.
They have four feet, a tail, whiskers, ears that swivel side
to side to pick up sounds from deep space, and eyes that
look at you as if they can't believe how dumb you are. In
addition, they are remarkably adept at getting you to do
things that you wouldn't ordinarily do like pulling yourself
out of bed at 3 a.m. to freshen the bowl of liver bits, or
opening the back door a dozen times in less than an hour to
let the cat in and out.
What To Feed Cats From Outer Space
Nothing that you feed your cat from outer space will be as
good as what they ate on their home planet -- and they will
remind you of this frequently. So don't even try to placate
them.
Special Care Tips For Cats From Other Planets
Remember that sometimes your cat will slip into an alternate
universe in which he will confuse you for a giant spaceship
vending machine -- one that he needs merely to stand in
front of meowing in order to elicit bowls of tuna and bits
of cheese. Depending upon what corner of the galaxy your cat
harkens from, he may confuse you for a robot instead -- one
that he must repeatedly trip in order to procure treats and
transport from.
