Basic Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run
Basic Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run
DOORS:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is open, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, or fly season.
CHAIRS and RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to a rug. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the humans bare foot.
BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything, just stare.
HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a greater chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of or at least the most important part. Pretend to dose, every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles.
WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night, so s/he cannot move around.
CAT GAMES:
"Catch Mouse"
Version 1:
The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their hands and feet. They are lying! They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the cover to get them.
Version 2:
Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same colour as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them.
TOYS:
Any small item is a potential toy. If the human tries to confiscate it, this means it a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are: dresser tops and waste baskets.
FOOD:
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, hamper and sleep, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two options here, 1)Convince the human you are starving to death and must be feed NOW, and 2) hunting for oneself.
HUMANS:
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they know that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.
You will then have a smooth-running household.
:D
Re: Basic Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run
Quote:
Originally posted by luckies4me
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of or at least the most important part. Pretend to dose, every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles.
:D
Don Juan's particular "helping" includes:
1) Position himself on my lap in such a way that the end of a knitting needle will hit him in the head. This insures that I will stop knitting and give him a head scritch.
2) If the knitting is big enough, he will plant his 14-pound torso on top of it so that I can't turn it and have to stop working and pay attention to him.
3) If I am online LOOKING FOR A JOB :rolleyes: , he will allow his tail to dangle over the screen so that I have to shift the windows around to see what I'm doing. After all, if I find a job, then he'll have to amuse himself all day instead of having me to dote on him. ;)
Liz
