Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about
your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests
at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences, briefed below for your review.
1.) Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance
or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends / girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not what to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2.) Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie &
some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik & topped off with a
Kit-Kat all after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an
eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3.) Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black &
blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond
me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.
4.) Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often
clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever
being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows,
ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic
cones, or bras.
Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly
don't like when I'm sober? Yet they suddenly become my best friends when
a flash is presented?
5.) Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over & see if in fact, I
do actually know that person. Please stop me from talking to the
guy/girl with the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath, beerbelly,
etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you & why are they
so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??
6.) Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable.
My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to
bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the
hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily
activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In
order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
