12 Days of KittenMas

This is hilarious! I don't know if it's true or not, and it's a bit long, but here goes...
The 12 Days of KittenMas

On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me........
A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab
the cookie sheet sitting on the
stove. In that micro-second, Sara climbed onto the table, poked her paw
into the delightfully kneady
mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss?
Six cups of flour, four cups of
sugar, three sticks of butter.... Of course, it would have been cheaper
to remove the feline ingredient,
pick out the hairs, and just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies.

On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me........
On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has
feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28
for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take
$55 X-rays in case Sara had taste-tested
any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment
when the vet removed the 3' curly tail in
slightly less than two seconds by tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.

On the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for me........
13 ornaments on my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to chain
the decorations to the branches. My
other error was leaving the room to go to the bathroom while Sara
feigned sleeping under the tree. How was I
to know she was actually measuring its climbing potential? Value of
broken> bulbs? $7.50 plus tax.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me........
A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a
head? Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99

On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me........
The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an accident.
She merely wanted to reach out
and touch someone. Unfortunately, she used an unsheathed claw to do so.
I settled out-of-court for
the cost of a jacket to replace the boy's blood stained one and a hefty
donation to the charity of their
choice. Although the amount must remain secret according to our
settlement, let me put it this way.
You haven't seen many soldiers for the Salvation Army this year, have
you? Think: Major Windfall!

On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me........
The presents beneath my Christmas tree. It was only two, really. While
doing some early shopping at a discount
store, I purchased a catnip
mouse for Sara's stocking. Apparently, anything in the same bag as
catnip takes on its potent aroma for a very
long time. Replacement costs: $3.99 for another roll of Christmas
wrapping paper, $4.50 for two empty boxes,
$1 each for the kind of bows Sara can't unravel.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me........
The earrings I bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one earring
but since Mary doesn't have a
hole in her nose or navel, a pair of matching earrings does make a more
appealing gift. Sale price:
$29.95 plus tax.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me........
Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten could fit
into the itty-bitty hole in the middle of
my Yamaha guitar? Neither could I, but Sara thought so. And she
succeeded once she got those rascally strings
out of the way. Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn't get out the
way I came in. After paying through the
whiskers for her previous escapades, I would have been willing to leave
her in the guitar for the duration of the
holiday season, except that she chose to get stuck two hours before I
was due at the nursing home for our
annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings: $12.95;
jar of petroleum jelly: 79 cents.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me........
My Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's delete key.
Cost for call to Computer
Country's 900/help line: $17.50. And I still don't know what happened to
the listings of B through H.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me........
The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a disaster
if she hadn't previously stolen the
power knob. I missed a week's worth of Christmas specials, including my
all-time favorite, "It's a Wonderful Life."
Rental of "It's a Wonderful Life": $2; purchase of book, "Good owners,
great cats": $24.95. Unfortunately, it
never mentions the psychological profile of kittens with kleptomania.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me........
The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK, OK, So this one time it was
my fault. I knew I never should have
uttered those now infamous words: "Your first turkey, Sara. Want to try
just a little piece?" Cost: Christmas
Dinner.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Sara rested. And so, thank goodness,
did my VISA card.

- written by
Cathleen Twomey,
as published in Cats Magazine,
December 1997.