Are You Are Stepford Wife? How To Know For Sure
Are you a Stepford Wife? Here's how to know for sure
Gaile Robinson KNIGHT RIDDER NEWSPAPERS
Should you go see "The Stepford Wives," the remake of the '70s feminist cautionary tale about strangely perfect women in suburban Connecticut? Maybe it'll hit too close to home; after all, you might be one and not even know it. You're always the last to know.
So, take this test to find out if you're a Stepford Wife. Record your answers. (If you needed that instruction, you probably are one and there is no need to proceed.)
1. How would you describe your clothing?
(a) Severe
(b) Comfortable
(c) Appropriate for the occasion
(d) Dresses, always. Sheer fabrics, in a rainbow of fairy-princess colors, with cinched waists, puffy sleeves, full skirts and necklines that plunge precipitously to show maximum amounts of cleavage.
2. How would you describe your makeup and skin care routine?
(a) Nonexistent
(b) I moisturize, sometimes
(c) My makeup is very subtle but natural-looking, and you know it takes much longer to make it look natural. Plus, I have an emollient routine for morning and night.
(d) Lovely. I use a polymer spray that is slightly carcinogenic, but when topped with a layer of permaseal shellac, it seems harmless. I apply it once a week, with touch-up applications as needed. From start to finish, my routine takes about two hours, but when you prorate that over the week, it seems a perfectly acceptable investment of time for the dramatic enhancement. An orbital sander removes it almost instantly. Why do you ask? Do I have lipstick on my teeth?
3. How would you describe your hair?
(a) Nonblond
(b) Blond
(c) Blond with blond highlights
(d) It's perfect all the time, and I love it. It's big, blond, long and curly. I'm always happy with my hair.
4. What are your hobbies?
(a) Do I need one?
(b) Outdoor winter sports -- snow boarding, skiing, ice skating, luge and outdoor summer sports -- swimming, golfing, tennis, waxing
(c) Indoor activities -- painting, reading, sewing, crying in private
(d) Homemaking -- shining, polishing, vacuuming, dusting, ironing, washing, drying, making, unmaking, mixing, baking, cooking, defrosting, debasing.
5. What does your husband do?
(a) Suggests chores that might interest me
(b) Corrects my word usage
(c) Tells me not to get upset
(d) Appreciates all that I do for him, even if he never mentions it.
6. No, what kind of job does he have?
(a) It involves accounts or travel. I know he has a cell phone. Ask him. He'll tell you, even though it will take three days of your life that you will never get back.
(b) I'm not sure, but he's not here, so he must work somewhere.
(c) A hard one, he says.
(d) One that provides us with a lovely home, two beautiful children and will keep me in aprons for the rest of my life. It requires him to wear freshly ironed shirts, clean underwear and highly polished shoes, all of which I supply him without him having to ask.
7. Nevermind. What do "you" do all day?
(a) Watch Lifetime For Women, eat bonbons, fantasize about the pool guy.
(b) Work at a demanding job that requires copious amounts of unpaid overtime for subsistence wages with little or no chance of advancement, but I'm not bitter.
(c) Visit chat rooms in the neighborhood; it used to be called gossiping with the neighbors.
(d) Provide for the needs of my family, happily.
8. You seem to have a fashion style that's more Donna Reed than Donna Karan. Why is that?
(a) I dress for demotion.
(b) I listen to no man for fashion directions, as if they could offer any.
(c) I dress for homemaking success.
(d) I'm a traditionalist. I like pairing aprons and dresses, stockings with garter belts, pearls with diamonds. I guess you could say I'm a fashionate conservative.
9. You seem to own some very exceptional accessories. Would you please describe them?
(a) I have a sock collection that I divide into four groups to correspond to the seasons. Within the seasons, I have color stories, for day and for night. I keep all my socks in special sock drawers, except for the singles, and I only keep them for three years, then if their mates don't come home, I throw them away. I have the same rule for dogs and men. Three years. I won't wait any longer than three years.
(b) I have the usual things most women have: 30 pairs of black shoes, a dozen black handbags, two pairs of black gloves, a black muffler and a black scarf. I have a few colorful things, but I never wear them; they're too bright.
(c) I have costume jewelry, costumes, tear-away lingerie and some special things. Why? What have you heard?
(d) I have large-brimmed, face-framing picture hats that are completely nonfunctional as they don't protect me from the sun in the summer and they aren't warm for winter. I have a selection of gloves, all of them white: wrist-length, four-button, eight-button and opera-length. They stay clean as long as I am in the house. I always wear 4-inch heels; even with lingerie, I feel everything looks better if I wear very high heels, and so does my husband. However, they are hard to wear if the streets are wet, or when it's icy, or if there is snow on the ground. So I don't go out when it's too sunny for my hats or too cold for my shoes, or when I might soil my gloves.
10. Tell me about your jewelry.
(a) I have some.
(b) I wear only my wedding band; I don't consider that jewelry.
(c) I like precious and semiprecious gifts of significant jewelry.
(d) Well, I have pearls, of course, pearl necklaces and bracelets. I wear them together for day. For night, I like to mix in diamonds. I have a collection of tiaras, some for day, although most are for evening. I think a tiara, two necklaces (or one necklace and a feather boa), one bracelet and two rings is just right. I would never wear more than three strands of pearls; any more than that might be considered tacky.
11. What kind of vehicle do you drive?
(a) A loaner, mostly; mine is always in the shop.
(b) A 12-year-old Japanese import that still gets excellent gas mileage.
(c) Carpool
(d) I drive a Cadillac SUV but would rather have a wood-paneled station wagon.
12. How often are you in the kitchen?
(a) Every day. I pass through on my way to the garage.
(b) At least once. I know where the kitchen is, I don't care what my husband tells you.
(c) I am constantly in the kitchen; it's where I charge my phone, read my e-mail and watch the news.
(d) My kitchen is my life. It's my destiny to be in the kitchen, I know that. I love my kitchen. I can see the reflection of my perfect hair in the gleaming countertops. I often curl up right here by the stove for an afternoon nap. I put my blond brownies in the oven, set the timer and wake up when they are done. My life is perfect that way.
13. Where do you live?
(a) Here
(b) Not here
(c) Ever since I left the Tri-Delt house, I've lived someplace with a park or ville or lake at the end, but not ford. Never ford, that is sooooooooooooo common.
(d) Stepford, Conn.
14. What is your name?
(a) Who wants to know?
(b) I'm not sure I should tell you.
(c) Maiden or married?
(d) Mrs. (your husband's name here)
15. Your husband is not as good-looking as you.
(a) It's true.
(b) Men don't age as well as women, and they don't take advantage of readily available applications of concealer, toner, color rinses and dermabrasion.
(c) That's because I've had "work done."
(d) It doesn't bother me that he is six inches shorter, or that he has several chins. I think he's the most handsome man in the world. He satisfies me as no other can. He has ruined me
for all other men. He has
ruined me, ruined me, ruined
me ... ruined ...
The results are in
Count up the number of A answers, B answers, C answers and D answers.
If you have more A answers than anything else, then you are either lying, underage, not female or PMS-ing.
If you have more B's than any other answer, you know you're stuck in "real" reality, not the TV kind. There is no sexy bachelor or million dollars for you, babe, just more of the same.
If you have more C answers, you are pre-Stepford. Either take the 12-step program now or be prepared for a breast augmentation and lobotomy.
If you answered more D's, you probably had help with several of the questions and your mailing address is Connecticut.
