Satirical View Of Terror Alert Warnings
Terror Alert Level Raised To "Vote Republican"
by Kenton DeAngeli and Josh Righter
Making his contribution to the culture of fear that drives Americans willingly to lose their civil liberties, Tom Ridge of Homeland Security raised the terror alert level to the color orange today, reflecting the likelihood of new terrorist attacks as well as the encouragement of Republican votes.
The colors -- green for "Low," blue for "Guarded," yellow for "Elevated," orange for "Republican Re-election," and red for "Burning of the Constitution," gauge the likelihood of terrorist attacks on the US depending on the level of "chatter" -- a measure of the fear necessary for the American public to continue to support Bush. In a speech today, Tom Ridge cited increased radio chatter, intercepted messages, and an impending election as reasons to raise the alert level.
"The conditions today seem to indicate a strong need for the orange level," Ridge said. "The trophy-victory of capturing Saddam Hussein, the coincidental apparent abandonment of WMD programs in Libya, the momentarily afloat economy, and finally the possibility of attacks over the holiday season -- these all add up to more potential Republican votes. We need to fan these flames, so hence the level raise."
Americans should do their part in preventing terror and any thoughts not happening to be conservative, Ridge advised.
"Any activities you view as suspicious -- whether it be activities that are possibly terroristic, or liberal talk by your neighbours -- should be reported immediately," Ridge said.
When asked if perhaps this wasn't a bit similar to the "Red Scare" of the 1950's, in which frenzied anti-communist feelings resulted in Americans all over the country on watch for any "communist" activities, Ridge rolled his eyes.
"Uh, yes," he said. "That's the point. Duh."
The terror alert level has been raised only four times to orange since the inception of the color system, and has stayed at either yellow or orange "in order to maintain a politically effective level of fear".
"Those colors are based on two factors: how imminent a possible terroristic attack is, and how much support the President needs in order to secure enough Republican votes for a re-election," Ridge said. "Obviously this is the kind of situation where we'd want to go for an orange."
Ridge also dismissed the lower two colors, green and blue, as completely useless politically, and noted that they were there "just for show."
"Terror activity could never really be at green or blue," he said, scoffing. "How the hell could we pass a Patriot Act then?"
Despite Ridge's confession, many, such as Democrat Joe Lieberman, had thought that the terror level could drop to those colors following Saddam Hussein's capture.
"That was supposed to make America safer," he said of the capture. "I just don't understand how any terrorist could still be out there."
Lieberman then realized what "Republican" and "Democrat" actually mean and immediately switched parties.
Captured or not, Hussein's absence clearly does not guarantee safety, as the new level demonstrates; as a result, citizens are urged to be on guard as they travel, and to forget about any notions of personal rights they may have had as Ridge's team goes to work making them safer by taking the rights away.
"Really, the best advice I can give is to forget about your civil liberties," Ridge said. "Only then can you truly be safe."
A recent CNN/Gallop poll showed that 89% of Americans believe that the actions of the Bush administration made them feel "cozy and safe", while 76% of those believe that a Democratic president "would not know anything about stopping terrorism, and would likely be a terrorist himself".
