"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
"Cats aren't clean, they're covered with cat spit."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 16 Signs Your Cat is Plotting World Domination
16. Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the coded message that Garfield sends out every day.
15. Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day.
14. Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of Poland.
13. When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of the Tri-Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing with yarn.
12. Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets, and nine suicide bombs.
11. What you thought was "heat" is actually a four-legged goose step.
10. Well, "somebody" subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination.
9. Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals "tattoo" to be blueprint of the UN Building.
8. Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap.
7. Kitty Chow spilled on the floor spells out "Drop the car keys and leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head."
6. Then -- dead mice in the kitchen. Now -- dead third world dictators in the basement.
5. Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some kind of "land mine" technology.
4. Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23.
3. Has recently been acting somewhat... aloof.
2. What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes up for with his ruthless handling of rival software companies.
..and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Plotting World Domination...
1. Somehow, you're now subscribed to "Feline of Fortune" magazine.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.
He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Einstein's Theory Of Cat Behavior
LAW OF CAT INERTIA - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
LAW OF CAT MOTION - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION - Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT - A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti- matter + It Doesn't Matter.
LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE - As yet undiscovered.
