Humor-chili Tasting

I received this from my daughter, thought it was very amusing...

HUMOR-CHILI TASTING

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in TEXAS, to be a judge at a Chili Cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened t be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicey, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you’re an internet writer and therefore known an adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE’S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
ME: Holy smokes, what is in this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it.. Took two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy!

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge One: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
ME: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.

CHILI # 3 FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge One: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge Two: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
ME: This as got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way.

CHILI # 4 BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
Judge One: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or mild foods, not much of a chili.
ME: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it.

CHILI # 5 LINDA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge One: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Impressive.
Judge Two: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
ME: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

CHILI # 6 VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic, Superb.
ME: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames.

CHILI # 7 HELEN’S MOUNT SAINT CHILI
Judge One: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it lost when Judge No. 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
Judge Two: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend, safe for all, not to bold but spicy enough.
ME: Momma????