Religious Funnies

Hope these don't offend anyone ... just all in good fun. :)

Pope at the Wheel

The Pope arrives at JFK, and he's met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand-lettered sign that says, "POPE"

After getting all his luggage loaded in the limo -- and His Holiness doesn't travel light -- the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Hey! Mr. Pope!" says the driver in accented English, "Why have you not seated yourself in the excellent limo?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They NEVER let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really LIKE to drive."

"That is very much against the rules!", protested the driver, wishing he'd never left Calcutta.

"There might be something EXTRA in it for you," said the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel. He quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to105 MPH..

"Please be driving not so RAPIDLY, Mr. Pope," pleaded the worried driver. But the Pope kept the pedal to the medal. Then, they heard the siren.

"Oh, good grief! Now I am surely losing my license,"
moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached. But the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio. "I need to talk to the CHIEF!!," he said to the dispatch.

When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo going a HUNDRED AND FIVE!!.

"So BUST him," said the Chief.

"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.

"All the more reason."

"No, I mean REALLY, a "BIG" shot," said the cop.

"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"

"BIGGER."

"G O V E R N E R?."

"B I G G E R!!"

"Well," said the Chief, "WHO IS IT?"

"I don't know," said the
cop.

"But he's got the POPE driving for him."

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Why Don't I See You?

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as
always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the
congregation departed.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas
and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

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Heaven

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

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God's Rescue Attempts

During heavy flooding caused by La Nina, a priest refused to obey evacuation orders and decided to stay back in town. As the flood waters rose higher, he climbed to the roof of his house and started praying to God for help.

After an hour of devout praying, a boat came by. The priest refused the boat crew's help.

"God will come to my assistance," he said. And he remained on the roof of his house.

After another hour praying, a canoe came by. The priest refused the owner's help.

"God will rescue me," he said. And he remained on the roof of his house.

After yet another hour of prayer, a helicopter flew by. Yet again, the priest refused help.

"God will help me", he said. And again, he remained on the roof of his house.

Despite continuous praying, the flood waters rose and the priest eventually drowned in the raging water.

In heaven, he met God and asked Him, "Why didn't you help me? I called for help and you didn't answer my prayers!"

"Didn't the help arrive? I sent a canoe, a boat, AND a chopper to your rescue!"

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How Hot Is It In Hell?

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1). If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2). Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

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Real Signs On Church Property

Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!

Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.

Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!

An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed & a headline that reads: "For fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays." The church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!

A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.

God so loved the world that he did not send a committee.

Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!

When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright.

Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.

Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily.

How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Nonsmoking?

Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives.

Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.

It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.

Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.

If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.

If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.

Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.

This is a CH_ _ CH. What is missing?" ---------> (U R)

Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

In the dark? Follow the Son.

Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.

If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.

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Actual Bloopers From Church Bulletins

The following are actual statements seen on various church bulletins:

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service.
The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? With hymns from a full choir.

Hymn 43: "Great God, What Do I See Here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! An Awful Voice Is Sounding"

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD. Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

8 new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceed to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.

2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat Me".

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The reccommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.