The Slim Gourmet

This made the rounds at work a few years ago. After pets, diets seem to be a popular topic, so thought you would enjoy this.

1. OTHER PEOPLE'S FOOD - A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it.

2. INGREDIENTS IN COOKING - Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon. So are chocolate chip cookies. However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore, make chocolate chip cookies often, but don't eat them.

3. FOOD ON FOOT - All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down legs, and through the soles of the foot into the floor, like electricity. Walking seems to accelerate this process so that a frozen custard or hot dog eaten at a carnival actually has a calorie deficit.

4. CHILDREN'S FOOD - Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby food tapioca - consumed for demonstration purposes - up to and including cookies baked to send to college.

5. UNEVEN EDGES - Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to "straighten up the edges" by slicing away the offending irregularities, which have no calories when eaten. If a pie or cake is neatly cut, but the remainder is not easily divisible into equal servings, it's also permissible to even things up without caloric consequence.

6. TV FOOD - anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories. This may have something to do with radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories in the food but all recollection of having eaten it. Entire no-calorie dinners are now manufactured and frozen for this purpose.

7. FOOD THAT DOESN'T TASTE GOOD - doesn't count. This is an enormous category covering a diverse range, including airline food, cafeteria meals and dinner at your sister-in-law's. Also, dinners manufactured to be eaten in front of the TV.

8. ANYTHING SMALLER THAN ONE INCH - contains no calories to speak of. For example: Chocolate kisses, maraschino cherries, cubes of cheese.

9. LEFT-HANDED FOOD - If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories. Several principles are at work here. First of all, you're probably standing up at a cocktail party (see "food on foot"). Then there's the electronic field: a wet glass in one hand forms a negative charge to reverse the polarity of the calories attracted to the other hand. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but it's reversible if you're left handed.

10. CHARITABLE FOODS - Girl Scoout Cookies, bake sale cakes, ice cream socials and church strawberry festivals all have religious dispensation from calories. It�s in the Bible.

11. CAKES WITH WRITING ON THEM - Primarily fat, starch and sugar, all cakes are horrendously fattening. However, the calories can be eliminated simply by inscribing "Happy Birthday, Charlie" or "Good Luck, Alice" in colored icing. Not only is it unnecessary to decline, it's impolite.

12. FOOD ON TOOTHPICKS - Sausages, cocktail franks, cheese and the like are all fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp wooden object allows the calories to leak out the bottom.

13. LEFTOVERS - An extra pork chop, the crust of bread, half of a Twinkie, anything intended for the garbage has no calories regardless of what happens to it in the kitchen.

14. FOOD EATEN QUICKLY - If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn't count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it. You can minimize its calories by gulping it down.

15. CUSTOM MADE FOOD - Anything somebody made "just for you" must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive. Your kind intentions will not go unrewarded. ( See "Charitable Foods").