Basic rules for cats who run the house # 1
DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to black wool clothing. NOTE: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.
For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!" be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit there and stare.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping" otherwise known is "hampering." Some rule:
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner to obscure the maximum amount. Pretend to dose but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. Sit on the paperwork they are working on. Roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. Embroidery and needlepoint make great hammocks.
d) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her be sure to jump at the back of the paper. They love surprises.
e) Dart out quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs; when they have something in their arms; in the dark; and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their co-ordination skills.
f) When a human is attempting to "make the bed," hop on it and curl up in the centre, or pounce on the sheet the human is trying to rearrange. If the human tries to ignore you by covering you with the sheets, move around and try to mess things up. Protest loudly when you're evicted.
g) Laundry presents many opportunities to hamper. Laundry fresh from the dryer is a perfect bed, since it is warm and soft. As soon as it is put down for sorting, arrange yourself for a nap. If the human removes you, keep returning until the laundry isn't warm anymore. Now it's playtime. Pounce on anything the human tries to move around for folding, especially socks and nylons. For added fun, grab a sock and hide under the bed with it.
PLAY: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed below are several cat games. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say, "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.
