M.P.A.D. (Multiple Pet Acquisition Disorder)
I subscribe to Petwarmers and recently received the following. Although this thread is about Dog Addiction, I thought 'why stop there?' Lots of us suffer from addictions to all kinds of animals, common and uncommon. I enjoyed the following so much and must say I related to way too many of these things! LOL! I think a lot of us Pet Talkers are hopelessly in the same boat!
An increasing number of mature men are finding themselves battling a
spousal problem that wrecks havoc on the home oasis and sanity.
While most husbands arrive home at the end of the day only to be
asked, "Guess what I did today, honey?" these men are not as fortunate.
Questions they must endure run more along the lines of, "Oh, honey, guess
what ate out of my hand today?" or, "You'll never guess what came up to me
while I was raking outside!"
Every bit as paralyzing as an unexpected IRS audit, the effects are
immediate -- eardrums pound like a savage beating on drums, palms get
sweaty, and eyes dart nervously about in search of the "thing" he
desperately hopes won't be found.
Another pet!
There is recent scientific evidence that a growing number of women are
being torn asunder by a beastly affliction called M.P.A.D, otherwise known
as Multiple Pet Acquisition Disorder.
M.P.A.D -- a rapidly progressive condition -- usually strikes its
victims during mid-life. Early symptoms are difficult to diagnose as they
often masquerade as a harmless interest in soft, cuddly animals.
Before long, however, the problem escalates and pet-a-mania sets in --
dogs wear sweaters, cats dine from lead crystal, and parakeets romp on
elaborate miniature jungle gym sets. When left unchecked, full-blown
M.P.A.D. is likely to develop, and the house begins to resemble a barnyard
with curtains.
M.P.A.D. can lay dormant for years only to emerge under the most
innocent of circumstances. For instance, when children have the
impertinence to grow up and leave home to selfishly begin lives of their
own, the house can appear to have extra space. When rearranging the
furniture doesn't help, many women panic. The home still looks, feels, and
sounds vacant. In an attempt to avoid the dreaded "empty nest syndrome" an
alternative is hastily sought.
It is at this point that the idea of adopting yet another family pet
seems a reasonable solution. But, things quickly get out of hand and
before long husbands find themselves with a problem too big to handle
alone.
Support groups for M.P.A.D. are almost non-existent, and materials and
books on the subject are not yet in vogue. One reason is because M.P.A.D.
is still essentially a "closet problem." Recent surveys indicate most
women find it difficult to admit they even have a problem, while the
husband's basic difficulty lies in simply saying "no" to yet another family
pet.
In an effort to help the real victims -- the husbands -- identify
early M.P.A.D warning signs, the following 14 symptoms have been
identified:
1. An unconscious tendency to gravitate towards any pet store with
the claim, "I only want to look."
2. A tendency to spend large amounts of time in the pet departments
of Walmart or Kmart, "just looking."
3. An inability to resist stuffed animal displays and subsequent
purchases, despite the fact there are no children at home.
4. Spending considerable amounts of time outside in the yard talking
to birds, squirrels, and other small animals.
5. Denies there is a rodent problem and hides all mousetraps after
viewing "Stuart Little."
6. Has an unnatural urge to watch "101 Dalmatians" three or four
times a week.
7. Consistently turns up missing at county and state fairs, only to
be found at the petting zoo area.
8. Is on a first name basis with every pet owner, and pet, in the
neighborhood.
9. Exhibits baby talk whenever animals are present.
10. Insists on a moment of silence while fishing, before casting a
live-baited hook in the water.
11. Becomes incensed when you refer to rats, mice, and grackles as
"pests."
12. Dog biscuits, birdseed, and unsalted raw peanuts replace potato
chips, M&M's, and Snickers bars in the family pantry.
13. Water dishes replace drinking glasses.
14. The term "three course meal" takes on a whole new meaning.
Instead of "1st, 2nd, 3rd," they become courses "for the squirrel," "for
the deer," and "for the birds."
Desperate to regain a sense of normality in the home, and the chance
to step across the living room without the crunch of birdseed or squeak
toys underfoot, men have begun to seek productive ways to fight the
M.P.A.D. malady. Prayer-chains, telephone crisis hotlines, H.A.F.A.
(Husbands Against Furry Animals), and other special task-force groups are
desperately needed.
If you or someone you know has already fallen victim to M.P.A.D., we
strongly suggest a lifetime membership to PETsMART, and controlling stock
in a feed store.
It's your only hope.
