10 Great Feminist Responses to Motherhood and Marriage
I don't know why the title had to include the word "feminist". Why can't these just be "responses"? Oh, well.
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In 1970, Australian writer, activist and filmmaker Irina Dunn famously said, “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” At that time, second-wave feminism was going strong and Dunn’s statement affirmed what many women were fighting for: independence and equality.
It’s been 45 years since Dunn’s powerful statement, but yet we still are stalled in our progress. Women’s relationships and family lives are still what defines them, despite their other accomplishments. When Mary Barra took over as General Motors’ CEO in January 2014, Matt Lauer asked her if she could be a CEO and a mother. I wonder if Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz or Bank of America CEO Brian T. Moynihan have ever been asked if they could successfully do the jobs they were hired for in spite of having a family.
The idea that women are defined by whether or not they are married and have children is an issue we have been fighting for too long. Women who forgo marriage and children are poked and prodded like they are a foreign specimen. The truth is, there are plenty of women who aren’t interested in marriage, children or both and there have been plenty of women who have spoken up about it. Here are some of our favorite responses to the topics of motherhood and marriage:
Gloria Steinem, activist
“Anyone with a womb doesn’t have to have a child any more than everybody with vocal chords has to be an opera singer.”
Elizabeth Gilbert, writer
“I have come to believe there are three sorts of women, when it comes to questions of maternity. There are women who are born to be mothers, women who are born to be aunties, and women who should not be allowed within ten feet of a child. It’s really important to know which category you belong to … Now, listen — if you put a baby in front of me, rest assured: that baby is going to get cuddled, spoiled and adored. But even as I’m loving on that beautiful infant, I know in my heart: This is not my destiny. It never was. And there is a curious rush of joy that I feel, knowing this to be true—for it is every bit as important in life to understand who you are NOT, as to understand who you ARE. Me, I’m just not a mom … Having reached a contented and productive middle age, I can say without a blink of hesitation that wouldn’t trade my choices for anything.”
Stevie Nicks, musician
“It’s like, ‘Do you want to be an artist and a writer, or a wife and a lover?’ With kids, your focus changes. I don’t want to go to PTA meetings.”
Bri Seeley, activist
“At the age of 24 I began to ask my doctors if I could be sterilized. Year after year at my annual exam I would state my case — each year unchanged from the previous year. At each visit my physician told me that I was too young, what if I changed my mind? But the reality was that I didn’t change my mind. In fact, my desire to not have children grew and grew with each passing visit.”
Grace Kelly, actress
“As an unmarried woman, I was thought to be a danger.”
Dita von Teese, burlesque performer
“My sisters have children. I love children but at this stage of my life … I was married to someone who was not cut-out to be a father. He could hardly take care of himself, let alone a child, so I changed my views, adapted accordingly, thought: ‘It’s OK not to have children.’ Now I’m just going to watch how my life unfolds and see what happens. I’m not going to be less of a person if I don’t have children. It will work out the way it is supposed to.”
Doris Lessing, writer
“I do not think that marriage is one of my talents. I’ve been much happier unmarried than married.”
Jen Kirkman, comedian
“I had no idea that marriage was only supposed to be between two people who wanted to get between the sheets and make more people. What ever happened to marrying for love— or to get on your partner’s health insurance policy, or for presents? No one was going to buy two people in their thirties a four-slice toaster if we just continued to live in sin.”
Beth Ditto, musician
“This archaic idea – that a woman who is unmarried and childless at 30 is somehow unnatural – will probably always exist, and, like most social standards, it is ridiculous.”
Carolina A. Miranda, journalist
“The idea that women don’t have babies because they are ‘selfish’ is not only reductive, in so many cases, it is simply incorrect. My husband and I chose not to have children for myriad reasons. I’d say selfishness is not among them. First and foremost, neither of us was ever keen on the kid thing. I’ve never felt a desire to get pregnant or give birth. If I have a biological clock, it’s on mute. As for my husband: I once asked him to hold a six-month-old that had been left in our care. He held the infant in the same awkward way that one holds a clutch of deadly mold spores.”
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