I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I
will no longer serve the states of Georgia, Florida,
Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee,
Mississippi, Texas, and Alabama on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelmingly huge current population of
the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North
American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the
new and better contract I also get longer breaks for
milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South
Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the
good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us.
Differences such as:
********************
1. There is no danger of the Grinch's stealing your
presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that
children leave Coca Cola and pork rinds [or a Moon
Pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe.
He dips a little snuff, though, so please have an empty
spittoon handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin'
coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of
lending him a couple of my reindeer one time, and
Blitzen's head now overhangs Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll
hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you
also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I hear'd
dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'
sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the
back with the words "Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on
34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be
shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll
see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the
Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and
dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd
make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other
way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
