Cat bathing as a martial art
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new improved Wisk dislodging the dirt and whisking it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary-the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage & dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary & announce: "This cat smells like a port-o-potty on a hot day in Juarez.
When that day arrives at your house as it has at mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness & lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him.
Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than 4 ft square, I recommend you get in the tub with the cat & close the sliding glass doors as if you're about to take a shower. A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a 3 ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.
Know that a cat has claws & will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is you're smart & know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high top construction boots, a pair of steel mesh gloves, an army helmet, hockey face mask & a long sleeve flak jacket.
Prepare everything in advance. There's no time to go out for a towel when youy have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached even if you're lying on your back in the water.
Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up nonchalantly like you're simply carrying him to his food dish. Cats won't usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice, just say it's a product testing experiment for JC Penny.
Once you're in the bathroom speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion shut the door, get into the tub enclosure, slide the shower door shut, dip the cat in water & squirt him with shampoo. This starts the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles.
He now has soapy fur & the problem is radically compounded. Don't expect to hold on to him for more than 2 or 3 seconds at a time.When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another shot of shampoo & rub like crazy. He'll then spring free & fall back into the water thereby rinsing himself off. The national record is-for cats-3 latherings so don't expect much.
Now the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the hardest, humans are generally worn out at this point & the cat is just getting more determined. Actually the drying is simple compared to what you've just been threough. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently attached to your right leg. Pop the drain plug with your foot, get the towel & wait. Occasionally the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens the best thing to do is shake him loose & encourage him toward your leg. When all the water is drained from the tub just reach down & dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He'll usually have nothing to say for about 3 weeks & will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic & develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You'll be tempted to assume he's angry. This usually isn't the case. As a rule he's simply plotting ways to get through your defenses & injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least for now he smells a lot better.
Thanks Jan!
