Oh No! Vicious Licking Pitbulls!
Pretty funny story about those nasty pitbulls... :D
Pit Bull's in the News
A pack of maruading pit bulls went on a licking spree yesterday, the Metro Daily Chews (their motto: "All the news print that's fit to pee on") reported.
The pit bulls apparently were playing in the park with their "suspiciously well dressed" human companions, and were seen by several witnesses repeatedly licking and "grinning" at their owners and several on lookers. In one chilling incident, one was even seen to sniff several dogs politely.
"It was terrible" Mrs. Ima Whiner reported. "Those dogs were licking people left, right and center. Why, those folks could of drowned from all that dog drool. I heard of them there Pit Bulls doin that, you know - drowning toddlers with dog drool. I'm still all shook up from seeing it. I plan to sue the park for post-traumatic drool-stress."
Mr. F.R. Monger also witnessed the violent encounter. "It was bad enough when they were licking people, but when they tore apart that tennis ball, why, I was in fear of my life. Some kids were throwing a ball for one dog, and he just started chewing and chewing on it. You could tell his jaws were "locked" on the ball. I volunteered to bash him over the head to save that poor ball, but those people told me to get lost. Them pit bull people are crazy."
"This is obviously a new ploy by died in the wool dog fighting types" said Dr. I Prefer-Katz. "They train these dogs to be friendly to humans and other dogs so that people will be fooled into thinking these canine killers are actually normal dogs. Some of the owners even get good jobs - why, a few even become Doctors and lawyers - all the better to act as a "Cover" for their activities. Of course, it's all a sham - when these dogs lick you they are actually *tasting* you so they can more easily identify the tastiest parts of your body. It's a fact - I read it on the internet."
In an apparently unrelated incident, a chow dog seen later in the same park apparently dragged a middle aged man around for almost twenty minutes. Witnesses say the man was attached to the dog by an item described by several expert witnesses as a "leather thingie". When "rescued" by on lookers, the man claimed to be just fine, thank you. "I used to walk him on a choke collar, but a group of AR nut bars told me they were going to "liberate my non-human sentient companion" from me. They said they'd have him humanely put to sleep - out of kindness, of course - since everyone knows that Chows are unstable."
The "AR Nutters" were unavailable (for once) for comment, but apparently plan to dress up as tennis ball later in the week to "protest the slaughter of innocent non sentient sports accesories".
