My new girl Abby & what should I do? Pls. help

I promised sometime ago that I would tell you about our new girl who was a stray. I have been gone for several days and have been putting off writing about her as I am having doubts if we can keep her.
She showed up as a stray in our neighborhood about 3 weeks ago and hung out at my friend and neighbor Pat's. Their girls named her Abby! They couldn't keep her so ended up at our house. She is a small girl (she is 50 # - but is very slim and soo much smaller than Buddy) house trained,used to sleeping in the house as she went right into the bedroom and into Buddy's bed, has been spayed (we did take her to the vets for her shots and exam) sat right down to get her collar on so she is used to wearing one, rides good in the car. Does do some barking though and I didn't think she was a chewer till my husband found my shoes out in the front lawn! A nice little girl who must have been dropped off as she was no longer loved I guess. I have been unable to locate her owners.
Everything was going fine at first - Buddy and her had loads of fun with wrestling and tackling each other. I thought that Buddy was the alpha at first because she was real submissive with him. The 2nd day I looked out and she had Buddy by the scruff under his chin and was literally walking him around! Then he would grab her around the neck - when they weren't both busy mounting each other (Buddy was the main one) I have never heard any growling etc. a few yelps but that's it. Though Abby is "pushy" to get in the door, get petted ect. In fact she would take a bone right out of his mouth and Buddy would not stand up for himself what so ever.
We ended up boarding both of them last week and then when we got home my husband left for the motorcycle rally in Sturgis for the week. And I have been sick and have not been able to give them the attention they both need & when your sick you can run on a short fuse. So Buddy started on Monday that he doesn't want to be around Abby - EXCEPT for an occasional play romp. He won't eat no matter where I put his food. I have always given Buddy dry food 2x a day with a couple of spoons of either wet food or yogurt ect. In fact Buddy won't come in the house till dark and then he will eat with lots of encouragement. He also won't sleep on his bed anymore either - and Abby she don't care where she sleeps (she has a new bed which Buddy has tried out a few times) but Abby tries to cuddle up close to Buddy if she can. He also won't play with his toys and Abby loves them and will drag them all out the doggie door.
Sorry this is so long but I feel so bad that Buddy is so down and out that I think I should find Abby a better home.
I will get pictures up this week. She is about 1yr. old. ???part yellow lab, ??golden ret. and the rest is questionable! She is a very dark gold or red with wavy hair from her neck to her tail!
What can I do to make this situation work? I can't even think anymore.

Mollie, I think you first need to take a deep breath. You're tired, you've been sick, and that always makes things worse. I'm sure some of the others here are going to have much better advice for how to work with them, but I have always heard that the focus needs to be on the first dog, in your case, Buddy. Feed him first, give him toys first. Give him separate attention when you can. But I really think I would let them just work this out between themselves. For the last month, I have had two extra dogs in my house. Lilly got her "panties in a wad" for the first week or two that Splash was here. She snarled, she growled, she barked, which is very unlike sweet Lilly. But you know what, she got over it.....I just left them alone to work it out. I don't think Buddy will starve, but maybe you give him a little extra TLC and goodies on his food to make him feel special, and perhaps you can separate them when you feed them for a while. Scramble him an egg or something special to go with his food occasionally and even try the old "sit on the floor and feed him by hand" trick if you must.

I certainly wouldn't give up yet. It just takes time. I think my household is living proof that it can work out. Maybe Mugsy (Molly) will weigh in here, plus some of the others that have introduced new, adult dogs into their households. There are certainly a lot of you out there.

I can't wait to see Abby's pictures, plus seeing Buddy again would be quite nice too!

You hang in there. It will all be ok. We love them so much that we expect things to work out quickly.....they don't always think exactly like we do! :)

Logan

Sounds like buddy is missing daddy. Rio, my male gets this way when I leave. He mopes, he chews, and basically gets on daddy's nerves. However, Jazz is the same way when dad leaves.

I wouldn't worry too much about the not eating, he's depressed and will snap out of it when daddy gets home. Just remember, if the dogs don't eat, pick up their food and try again later. They will not allow themselves to starve.

As for the chewing bit, although not good, it's a stress sign and a dominance issue. He's stressed with one parent being gone, and since it's your shoe, he's trying to pull rank as an Alpha figure, unfortunately quite normal.

If you see him looking like he is interested in it, command NO. Then get him a suitable replacement toy; tell him good chewy, give it to him, and praise: "GOOD CHEWY".

If he has gotten into your hearts, then it's all a matter of time.

I do hope you feel better. Just remember, a little pet petting, and it does make you feel somewhat good.

Mollie, I agree with everything Logan said!! My dog Duncan was the second dog brought into the household and we dealt with A LOT of issues!!!! Jack, my roommate's dog, is so laidback and easygoing. It sounds to me as if that is Buddy! And Abby is the more rambunctious, aggressive, go-getter of the 2. Same situation I had.... The only thing I may disagree with Logan on is the feeding Buddy first and showering Buddy with attention first. And this is only because it sounds to me as if Abby will eventually be the alpha of the 2 from some of the situations you have described, such as Buddy no longer playing with his toys but Abby does....Buddy won't sleep in his bed but Abby sleeps wherever she chooses.....If you give Buddy extra attention of try to "force" him into the role of alpha, that is when fights will break out and Buddy will take the brunt of it.....We learned this the hard way in my house. Jack was attacked and bit lots of times before my roommate would finally accept that fact that Jack doesn't do much in the house w/o Duncan's approval and if you try to force him to exhibit alpha behavior, Jack will be on the losing end of a bad attitude from Duncan. Don't get me wrong the 2 of them seem to be very attached to each other but there was definitely an adjustment period.

If you feel Buddy is unhappy and it's making you unhappy, then find Abby another home. If you are very attached to Abby at this point and want to keep her, then just give it some more time and do more observing than interacting with the 2 of them.

I'm far from an expert on this or on much for that matter! ;) :p but I have been through a similar situation and I hope my insight will be helpful.

Good Luck and please keep us updated! :)

Sammi, don't despair. This is common when a new dog comes into a house but it is temporary. I believe it is just a matter of the dogs getting use to each other and the new situation of being in the same house. Eventually they will be best friends and miss each other when they are separated.

Jealousy can be a problem when another dog comes into the household. Be sure to pay attention to both and not baby the newcomer. She'll fit in eventually. Buddy may need reassurances that you still love him. It's a good idea to give each one some separate attention without the other one around to try to horn in.

Don't change sleeping arrangements for the current dog. If he sleeps on the bed with you continue to let him, but I suggest putting the new dog in a crate in your bedroom or somewhere else if that is what you choose. You'll also want her crated until housebreaking has been re-established and is very reliable. Whatever you prefer for an arrangement do it from the start. I don't recommend having the new dog sleep on the bed right off the bat. This could cause a territory dispute (territory is you) and cause some stress for Buddy because his world has changed.

Both dogs sound like they have dominant characteristics. It may take a few weeks to establish who really is the alpha dog. You just need to watch them and intervien if the rough housing becomes too brutal (actual blood shed). Otherwise, let them sort it out for themselves. Your tendency may be to rescue the underdog. It is important for you, however, to go to the dog that comes out on top in this scuffle, and acknowledge them. This recognition will help them establish dominance. One of these dogs will have to be dominant, the other submissive. After you have reinforced the dominant dog, go to the dog who comes out worse in the scuffle to help them understand and accept submission. Once they feel secure in these roles, the fighting will cease. Do not forget to give the existing dog the same amount of attention as before.

Once alpha dog has been established, you can help prevent spats by recognizing the alpha dog as alpha. Give the alpha dog treats first, let the alpha dog out the door first, etc. Helps keep order in the pack. You, of course, will be alpha over both of them.
If you don't there will never be harmony between them.

The most common display of the alpha dog is mounting behaviors once dominance is established. This is a sign that they are the alpha over the other. When the submissive dog lays there and accepts this then they are secure in their roles.

Your tendency to want Buddy to be the alpha is normal. Be prepared that this may not be the outcome. It doen't mean the dogs are not friends. It just means they know their heirarchy in the pack!

Also, it is not uncommon for a 1 year old to chew something like Abby did with your shoes. I personally would not try to read more into it unless it continues to occur.

Molly, I'm not in here to give advice, I just want to tell you I miss you, haven't talked to you in a long while. I didn't know that you had Abby, how about that!
After Perry and Daisy's ordeal, Daisy was showing tendencies of wanting to be alpha, yes, the skinny little black dog, LOL but I have tried to re enforce Perry as the alpha as he wasn't having any of that and would go up to her and butt her, etc. But I went back to letting him in first, giving him his food first and he got first snack, also since Daisy slept with me he is now sleeping with his Daddy and it seems to be working O.K.
Hope it all works out for you MOlly, take care of yourself, I hope you are feeling better now.
Jackie

Don't expect all issues to be resolved so soon. Buddy may be a little depressed that things have changed, but I do believe that they basically had a good start and he will learn to accept and even enjoy Abby. Give it a little more time.

I know the experts don't agree, but I don't allow my Hannah (alpha) to harrass Tucker. If she starts with a nasty attitude (bark-growling at him for no reason) she gets a chastised (a stern verbal reprimand). I rarely have to get involved as Hannah knows she's not allowed to pick on him. I do have to be careful if Hannah does not eat her food, she is getting to be a picky eater. Tucker will try to steal it and that is when he gets chastised.

Mollie, I think what Logan said is too true. Whenever we bring another permanent attachment home, we introduce them slowly, one at a time, in the back yard with both of us there and pay attention to both of them to reassure them both that they're not going anywhere. I would suggest taking Buddy bye bye somewhere where it's just the 2 of you and get him some Dairy Queen (that's what our vet always says to the dogs after they get their shots) and just spend time with him. Also, make sure you establish yourself as Alpha NOT Abby. Once both of them understand that YOU'RE in charge and not either one of them, it should be fine. Mike and I have discovered that if we show that we accept the newcomer, then the other dogs just shrug their shoulders and figure that it's just one more!!! lol

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Well just about the time I think things are going in one direction it changes! Last week Buddy refused to come inside at night 2nd night it stormed during the night and he sure wanted in then!
How long does it take for the dogs to decide who is alpha? Cause I'm not sure what is going on. Sunday Abby was really picking on Buddy & he would do nothing except run to into the house by the doggie door when he could get Abby away! Then by evening Buddy seemed to have taken enough and he would grab Abby around the neck and put her down. It seems like Buddy just puts up with it for so long & then gets back at her. This has gone on all week. I don't want them to hurt each other. I have heard yelping a few times.
My husband got home & Buddy was a changed dog! Brought his toys right out for my husband, ate good, and went right to bed that night!
It sure is cute to watch Abby sometimes she gets so close up to Buddy sometimes to nap! I think things are some better.
Thank you guys for all the help. I will be asking many more times! ;)

Sammi, I think things will work out just give it time. It sounds like they are still working on who is Alpha. I wish Carrie was here, she was so good with advice about something like this.
I hope you are feeling better too.
Jackie, Miss Daisy and Perry

Seems like your husband was the missing piece in the puzzle after all. Buddy obviously trusts him as Alpha, but maybe isn't as secure in your role as secondary Alpha.