Scott Feschuk - post-jail 'Interview' with Nicole Ritchie

Nicole Richie's prison diary: 82 minutes of hell

It's like rehab, but without the blah blah blah

SCOTT FESCHUK | September 10, 2007 |

Having pleaded guilty to driving under the influence, Nicole Richie -- a celebrity whose fame is so inexplicable that Paris Hilton's almost makes sense by comparison -- arrived last week at the Central Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood, Calif., to serve her four-day sentence. Eighty-two minutes later, she was released due to overcrowding in the jail.

But let us not mistake brevity for ease -- even a short time deprived of freedom can be hard time. I know this because I myself recently served a gruelling 105-minute prison sentence. (It was called The Nanny Diaries.)

If I seem sympathetic to Nicole, who is approximately five months pregnant and an estimated four to seven bricks short of a load, it's because I know her ordeal in all its harrowing detail. I just spent the better part of a whole weekend ghostwriting the heart-rending memoir of her time behind bars. The book subsequently was optioned as a major motion picture to star Nicole Richie as Nicole Richie, Dane Cook as the Warden and Paul Giamatti as Nicole's unborn fetus.

In the meantime, Maclean's is proud to present this exclusive excerpt from Caged Hottie: My 82 Minutes in Hell by Nicole Richie (as told to Scott Feschuk while constantly chewing gum):

2:44 p.m. I'm nervous but I'm also very angry and, FYI, popular. It makes no sense that I have to go to jail for FOUR DAYS when I was only completely wasted and driving the wrong way on the highway for, like, 20 minutes tops. Life is UNFAIR! Where is Johnnie Cochran when you need him??

2:47 We're about to leave for jail, which SUCKS. My family emotionally hugs me goodbye. Then they emotionally hug me goodbye three more times because the camera guy from Entertainment Tonight needs to get it from a bunch of angles. Mary Hart says the second take was my awesomest!

2:48 I gaze upon the meagre belongings I'll be taking: a duffle filled with a toothbrush, socks and clean underwear. Then I gaze upon the five suitcases next to that. And my chihuahua puppy and my Siamese kitty and my jolly little dwarf named Hector, all in their Louis Vuitton carrying cases. Wait, I forgot my Manolos!

3:04 Apparently Johnnie Cochran is DEAD, so he probably won't be able to come up with a rhyme to get me off. Stupid lawyers.

3:06 What?! Dr. Seuss is ALSO dead?! Arrrgh. Cancel my appeal. Life. UNFAIR.

3:11 My limo pulls up outside the prison or whatever and idles for a moment. Where is the stupid valet? Helloooo -- this door isn't going to open itself!

3:15 I enter the jail place. Now I know how Nelson Mandela felt.

3:18 Paris said I have to assert my dominance by smacking the first person I see. That's what she did when she went to prison. Then again, that's what she does when she goes to a nightclub or, like, church. I'm not sure I can punch and hurt a complete stranger. If only my publicist were here.

3:27 Reality check time. Looking around at my fellow inmates, it's hard not to think twice about wanting to bring a baby into such a screwed-up world. I mean, orange jumpsuits? NOT flattering!

3:33 Some fat person comes near me -- eww! -- but then she tells me I have the cutest mug shot on the Smoking Gun website. Yay! Take that, Yasmine Bleeth!

3:48 When you're locked up this long, you begin to lose track of time. Nanoseconds pass like milliseconds. What time is it? It could be 3:46 p.m. or it could be 3:48 p.m. Heck, it could be 3:51! Wait, I have my Bulgari watch on. It's 3:48.

4:04 Some totally butch woman is staring at me, freaking me out. I look around for a weapon. Nothing! But then -- inspiration! I position myself so that if she comes at me, she'll run up on my protruding hip bone. Anorexia, you're a lifesaver!

4:18 I sign some autographs. People want to know what I think about stuff and who's a skank and everything. It's actually kind of fun being here -- like rehab but without all the blah blah blah.

4:37 As Martin Luther King, Jr. once said: Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty my publicist can now tell Larry King to start kissing my ass for an exclusive post-prison interview, because I am free at last!

4:39 I gaze up at the sky. Jail has obviously changed me because the world looks completely different to me. The trees look different, the birds too, the clouds -- no wait, that's because I was wearing sunglasses when I got here.

4:43 Driving away, I reflect on my time behind bars. I think of the lessons I've learned. For example, if you call it a "hunger strike" people will actually think you're noble for not eating. Good to know. But most importantly I learned never to start watching a movie in prison because what happens if you get released before it's over. Now I'll never know if Spider-Man ends up beating the octopus doctor. Life is UNFAIR!