Scott Feschuk - Blog (this guy has his own sense of humour!)

Scott Feschuk is a regular columnist for MacLean's Magazine. He also has a blog...and this question from a reader (they know who they are dealing with) I thought worth a post here....

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Dear Scott: If you had to sire a race of super-children with one celebrity starlet when the human race is endangered after an apocalyptic event, who would you choose as the donor of a significant portion of the DNA of future humanity, if it was within your power: Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie? – J.G., Ottawa

Interesting. You pose this question as though it’s a hypothetical, when in fact it has comprised the foundation of “my moves” on women since 1983. Unencumbered by the burden of good looks or physical fitness, I was free as a young man to explore creative new terrain in the pursuit of the opposite sex – and believe me, informing a female bar patron that, in the event of an apocalyptic event, I would select her with whom to sire a race of super-children worked better than just about anything else I tried, including begging.

As for the query at hand, let me confess that I actually spent 20 minutes thinking this through and weighing the various qualities and shortcomings of the starlets in question. Lohan, clearly, is the most intelligent and talented of the quartet, though undeniably prone to addiction and acute skankiness. The other three have few redeeming qualities. Frankly, I’m not sure Britney even has any DNA. Based on the evidence, I’m pretty sure she’s made up of a complex microscopic amalgam of Red Bull, pork rinds and crazy. Think about it: the woman has somehow managed to make Kevin Federline seem like the responsible one. Do you have any idea how hard that was to pull off?
So Lindsay it is. Even though, in all likelihood, she will have been at least partly responsible for the apocalyptic event.