Feeling sad for Ashley

I'm not looking for advice, just a little bit of a sad story t o tell....

We're planning a first birthday party for Cameron. Nothing huge or elaborate, just a cookout at the godparent's house with a pool and tennis courts. It'll basically be friends and family. We were printing the envelopes and making up directions yesterday. I was REALLY surprised to see Cam's father's dad on the invitation list. They do NOT get along. In fact, CF (Cam's Father) refuses to let his dad see Cam (though Ashley goes to lunch reguarly with Cam without CF, and I'm sure she does it without CF knowing..... she's REALLY good at avoiding confrontation)

Anyway, I noticed a distinct lack of his family on the invitation list. Not CF's mom, not his grandmom, no aunts... nothing. I told Ash I'd print out invitations because I have the addresses from the shower. She shrugged and mumbled something I didn't understand, so I let it drop. Then this morning it hit me with immense clarity: CF and his mom's side of the family will NOT be attending this party. In fact they most likely are planning one of their own.

I feel just awful for Ashley. She is living two completely different lives. one here with her family and friends. One there with CF and his side of the family. She's having two parties because nobody, and I mean NOBODY, on our side likes CF. None of her friends like him in the least. We (as in my husband and I) do not mention him anymore because that only makes her more determined to be with him and nagging never heps anything. Her friends on the other hand are quick to make comments about what a loser he is. Friends often can say things family can't get away with :p

So rather than have tension, she's avoiding the confrontation and having two parties. Doesn't she see that unless she does something now, this is only going to get worse? How does she see doing this forever? Always two parties? Always two Christmases, two Easters, two everything. What about her wedding? She still plans on marrying CF some day (hopefully long in the future) does she plan on two receptions? One for the groom and another for the bride? Sarcasm aside, I really do feel so bad for Ashley. She's only 19 and dealing with grown-up stuff. She's trying to do what she thinks is right without fights. Problem is, this type of thing will only explode eventually. And the more she avoids small confrontations, the bigger the final blow-up will be. :(

The last thing to this long novel.... why didn't she tell me yesterday when I asked about the adresses that Cameron would be having TWO parties? Why hide it? Did she think I'd flip out and threaten to cancel this other party? I thought we came a long way in the past year. I thought she learned to trust me and that I wasn't such a bad guy. I guess not :(

Umm, I am not sure I would worry about it all that much. I grew up in a family that always had two of everything. Every birthday for each of the kids was celebrated twice, once with Dad's side of the family once with Mom's side of the family. Christmas Eve with Dad's side of the family, Christmas Day with Mom's side of the family. Alternate Thanksgivings and New Years, etc, etc. I never thought anything about it. Never thought it was unusual at all. My mom's parents would ask about the well being of my father's parents when we visited, and never said anything negative about them, and vice versa. If something awful would happen (god forbid) one side of the family would stay with the child/children at home, the other would go support whoever was in the hospital. Then they would switch places. To be honest it seemed perfectly normal to me. And if anyone found the arrangement stressful (for example my parents) no one ever showed any signs of it. As long as both families enjoy their time with Cam and do not say anything negative about each other, I think things can go smoothly.

I have to agree with Ginger's Mom about the "extra" parties. My parents and my sister's mother-in-law get along just fine and live about a half-hour away from each other, but each household has its own holiday celebrations. So my sister and her family spend time at each house on holidays--and they have their own celebration at home besides.

The not-getting-along part is a bigger issue, of course. And a very difficult one.

Kim,

I wouldn't come down on Ashley for not telling you. I'm sure she just didn't want to hurt your feelings. Try and give her a little credit. Remember, SHE'S stuck in the middle here.

As far as future occasions, I think you're worrying FAR too soon about something that may or MAY NOT happen. Chill, girl!! Make the best of the day. In the meantime, I'll light a candle and say a Hail Mary for ya!! ;)

Kim, as you may remember my grandson, Jeremy, was born just a couple of weeks before Cam. My daughter (Christiansmommy) has decided to have two separate parties for his first birthday party as there would be just too many people. If everyone on *our side* of the family comes there will be 24. Two weeks later, if everyone on Rob's side of the family comes there will easily be another 24. Her house just can't hold 48 people. :eek: Also, when you get such a large crowd you don't even get to talk with everyone. I don't think I'd even let on to Ashley that you find anything wrong with this because honestly it is not all that uncommon. The important thing is that in the future, when Cam is old enough to understand things, he doesn't realize that there is friction between the two sides. As Moosmom says, don't worry too much about the future. You don't even know what the scenario will be in a few years. Wish I could follow my own "don't worry" advice about things that pertain to my own life. :p :rolleyes:

I have to agree with Joyce and others, Kim.

Sometimes it's just easier to keep the peace and have two seperate functions than to try to have one with everybody together. :)

Thanks guys - this is why I love PT. All the different experiences and perspectives. Yes, I do overthink many things and I try not to! Its HARD! :D

For the record, we do not push anything about CF with Ashley. She knows how we feel and we said all there is to say. We won't say any more because it will fall on deaf ears. Hubby breifly asked her yesterday about CF's mom and Ashley said they were not coming because the Ex-husband would be there. We all know thats a cop-out because they are on good terms. Hubby just told her in a matter-of-fact way that she was making this easy on CF to avoid all of us. No arguing, no emotions. We learned early on that arguing and being emotional about something doesn't work with Ashley.

Pam, I hadn't thought of the space thing... mainly because this party will be held at a mansion. They could easily house 200 people with room to spare. Their yard has an olympic sized pool and 2 tennis courts! Cameron has been blessed with awesome godparents! LOL

I was very interested to read all the different perspectives. How true, but sometimes a person (me) can't see the other side of certain discussions. But there is one really BIG BUT!!! Wouldn't BOTH parents be available for BOTH parties??? Unless of course the parents are no longer together and/or have another SO/spouse. Maybe I am wrong, I'd like some insight (please).

been there done that....... LOL.......

my inlaws don´t get along with my family, not because they don´t like each otehr, they just don´t like gatherings and people at all, they are very......well they don´t like people, they don´t even gather up with their own family so even less with mine.......

at Christmas, birthdays, etc., I´ve always been one day at my family´s and the other at theirs...... only last year my MIL came to my boy´s bday and only because a friend of her was attending, go figure, not even because it was her grandson´s bday, but because she didn´t wanted her friend alone..... :rolleyes: anyway...... I couldn´t care less...... :p

as long as my boy sees it (not pondering at it though) he has double celebrations.......and that means double presents!!! LOL.....

and I just remembered this......we´ve always had a Christmas eve at my moms side, then Christmas day at my dad´s side and now a third day at my in laws...... :rolleyes: :p

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Originally Posted by jenluckenbach

Wouldn't BOTH parents be available for BOTH parties??? Unless of course the parents are no longer together and/or have another SO/spouse. Maybe I am wrong, I'd like some insight (please).

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I think I understand your question... Ashley will be at both parties, but CF will not. He's too much a chickensh*t to go to the one with our family and Ashley's friends. He knows none of her friends like him. He knows none of her family likes him. So he'll pretend he has to work or something. I've seen him do it time and time again and his excuses are very imaginative (I particuarly liked the excuse of missing Christmas at our house to be at his dying cousin's bedside - the very same cousin who doesn't exist, I know because I asked his mom how the cousin was feeling and she had no clue who I was talking about! LOL) Yes, I'm bitter and I can vent here but I'm quiet about it to Ashley. It doesn't help mentioning any of this to Ashley because its not being heard. Cameron listens more than she does ;)