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A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to write a check,
she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and
tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing beat,
says, "Well, that's great.....that's really great.... Some asshole has
my pen!"
ewwwwwww hehehehe
I love this joke. I can get away with telling it to you because I'm an insurance nurse!
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Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one."
St. Peter agreed, stepped aside, and the ED nurse proceeded through the gates.
The second nurse said, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we did our best. Sometimes the patients were too sick and we would lose them, but overall we did try very hard." St. Peter nodded, stepped aside once more, and the OR nurse made her way into heaven.
The third nurse said, "I was a case manager for an HMO." St. Peter quickly shook his head and held up his hand before the nurse could say anything more. Turning to his desk, St. Peter looked at a file. He snapped open his laptop and began punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file.
After a few minutes St. Peter looked up, smiled, and said, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... You can stay three days!"
Hahahaha.....good one !!!!
Here's another nursy/doctor one for you..........
Comments by patients during Colonoscopies
>
> Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
>
> 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
> 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
>
> 3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
>
> 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
>
> 5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
>
> 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
>
> 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
>
> 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
>
> 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
>
> 10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
>
> 11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
>
> 12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
>
> And the best one of all...
>
> 13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there.
Hehehehe...Wombat
Great thread. Thanks for the laughs! :D It has been a stressful two weeks and it's only going to get worse from here, so this is just what the doctor ordered. ;)
Here's a few more "medical" giggles:
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
had died of a "massive internal fart."
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse
told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now,
the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new
one.
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was
alive."
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this
morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute apendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and
above it there wa s a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the
surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's
dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
AND FINALLY!!!................
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly
burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my
work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied,
"No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar
Meyer Wiener".
Hahahaha........they are very excellent.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilith Cherry
Not bad for an Englishman who is a Canadian import but has been exported to China for telling medical jokes....lol
Wombat
NEVER HEARD CREATION EXPLAINED THIS WAY BEFORE !!!
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogu rt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons! and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light,
fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not h ave to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs
These all gave me quite the giggle tonight.. thanks!!
Lady's Human wrote ""Then Satan created HMOs""
What's a HMO ????
Do they taste good ????
Wom
HMO=Health Maintenance Organization
Also known as an organization which exists solely to put roadblocks between patients and medical care.
Example? One of my co-workers has been on pain meds for years for a knee problem, which has gotten to the point he needs surgery. He has a med record as thick as a phone book, most of which centers on his knees.
HOWEVER............
Before he gets approval for the surgery, he has to go through a month of physical therapy, then get re-examined to see if he REALLY needs the surgery.
Oh I see.....one of those government agencies that cost a lot of money so that they can save a lot of money ????Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady's Human
Yeah.....we have them here to....we call the employees of such agencies...."Lackeys". And that label surely does suit them.
Actually tho....my last post was just a bait. I thought for a moment that HMO must have meant Health Maintenance Officer.
I thought I could have at least caught a young pretty one for my supper....lol
Wombat