Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:
Day 683 of my captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about "what a good little hunter" I am. The audacity!
There was some sort an assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again
tomorrow-but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released-and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have
arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....for now
Exerpts from a cat's diary
Dear fellow kitty,
I have just finished reading the pages from your diary and must say I am appalled at the conditions you describe. Incarceration with no chance of parole, unacceptable food. And what is that solitary confinement thing all about?
You're a good kitty, of that I'm sure. Have your hoomin captors ever told you the reason for your confinement? Something here is just not right! Are you being aboosed? Are you fed on time? Is your litter box kept properly? Do you have a warm, comfortable place to sleep? Are all of your toys still where you put them?
Your situation is most disturbing and I'm concerned about how you are being treated. If you need help, please feel free to contact me. I'm ready and willing to be of assistance. Please contact me, if you'd like we can discuss your current circumstances and look at your legal options.
Your friend,
Groucho the Lawyer
Practice limited to kitty krimes and aboose
