The Evil Dairy Queen Ploy

Last night, around midnight, I went on a friend's site and was signing her guestbook. I then remembered a story from my way to Winnipeg last week, and was going to tell her. Well, from the crazy mind of me, that story turned into an actual story. I finished at 2:30 (but I was talking on msn at the same time). It was fun and it sure ended my boreDom for a while. :)



So....just a warning. This story is a slight bit strange and some might find some of the words offensive. Sorry if anyone does...there was no intentional offending in there. A lot of you probably won't enjoy it actually, its just a bunch of crazy ranDomness. I felt like posting it though, so maybe some will enjoy. :D

The Evil Dairy Queen Ploy

So one time i went to this dairy queen in neepawa and had a milkshake. this was actually not that long ago, a week to be exact. well i was waiting for my friend and her mother while they finished using the washroom and i saw a box that startled me and beckoned me closer. i tried to resist the urge but alas, it beckoned and it beckoned, and finally it beckoned me so much that my legs gave way as they could no longer help me in my feat of trying to stay away.


so i went over to this box, somewhat relectantly with a feeling of uneasiness and maybe a bit of nervousness, almost to the point of nausea but not really, i just added that in there for fun actually.



upon arriving at this box, i was a little but more startled at its supposed simpleness. a plain white plastic box, with some paper on top. cautiously i took one of the pieces of paper, not sure as to what i was about to encounter. could it be a nitroglycerine laced piece of paper? one couldn't tell.



perhaps there was anthrax rubbed in the corners, waiting for unsuspecting customers such as me to come and pick it up. maybe it was all a ploy, i thought. after all, that beckoning was so strong it just did not seem natural. were there cameras watching me? what was going on, i desperately wondered. did they put certain ingredients in my milkshake on purpose, so that only i could feel these strange beckoning effects? perhaps it was like rat testing, and they were testing my reactions, seeing how much i could resist this simple white box that just urged me to come to it.



needless to say i got a little scared. i pulled through, though, and held onto the piece of paper. i managed to glance at it without being blinded. my fingers had not started to burn or have any strange effects, so i thought it may be safe to read what it said.



the simpleness of the paper made me even more suspiciuos. it was a "suggestions and comments" paper...the ones with the little square check boxes and yes and no columns.



i wondered how many others had been in my position before. the nervousness was making me so nervous, so, so, nervous, that my hands became clammy and i broke out into a sweat. i wanted to wipe it off my forehead but i told myself i couldn't fall to the ploy of the evil dairy queen workers. i suddenly had a feeling that maybe there was some magnetic field they had set up, that would make me stay there until i filled out this card. i didn't want to risk what would happen if i were to leave without completing this task they tricked me into.



could i really disappoint the dairy queen workers?



of course not...how could i ...the thought alone gave me the shivers. with that, the clammy hands and the sweat, i'm afraid i was starting to look a little bit strange, just standing there at that white box, staring at that little card that could have been laced with any number of drugs or other such contaminants.



people were starting to get close to me i noticed. who were they? what were they doing? i was starting to panic and the world became blurred. nevertheless my hands held on to that paper. i was getting concerned because one would think i would have dropped that paper. was i not physically able to drop the paper? what kind of force had they put on me? what exactly was IN MY MILKSHAKE? i was panicking and getting dizzy. it was almost like being at the disco again. i set myself to the task of concentrating on dropping the paper. i tried, but i couldn't do it.



i think the cameras must have noticed because I suddenly was able to drop the paper. Since that task was done, I felt a little relieved but was still nervous. The people seemed to be getting closer. Were they going to corner me? Did I only have a certain amount of time to fill up this card? Were they mad that I dropped it? I then noticed that it was just the line getting larger. Thank goodness, I thought to myself. But then I wondered, why would it be getting larger? Its not a particularly busy time of the day. maybe it was getting slower, but why could that be, other than some of the workers going to check on the camera?



i decided to try and scare the camera people. I thought of a little story from when I was a small boy, and chuckled a little bit. This story was of a time i killed a hedgehog named dingo. This chuckle turned into a laugh, but a manic one at that. It suddenly occurred to me that manic rhymed with panic, and this laugh got even scarier. I was hoping this was working because I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to pull this off much longer. i finally ended the devilish laughter with a slight hic-cup. i stilled for a moment, then slowly and suspiciously looked around to see what was going on. I was surprised to find people staring at me as if I was mentally unstable. I saw one girl pointing at me and I gave her the hairy eye. She then started bawling and her mother shot me accusing looks.



I looked to the counter and a worker was staring at me. I gave him too the hairy eye. He was just a pimply teen with greasy hair and hairy elbows. As soon as he saw my eye he turned back to the counter and got ready to take another order. That gave me a slight feeling of satisfaction and brought me back to wondering, was this all part of the ploy?



I decided it was time to conquer the comment card. The feeling of satisfaction gave me enough confidence. I could now fill out this card and with a little effort, perhaps trick these strange dairy queen workers…I could pull out my "Risk" tactics and a few G.I. Joe maneuvers, soon I could divide and conquer this dairy queen so that I would be able to run the camera, and watch as poor innocent customers tried to defy the beckoning.



I looked at the first question and it almost looked back at me…I could feel the eyes it had, staring at me, and wondered why It was smiling at me. I then realized that I accidentally put a hole though the paper with my panicking and was actually staring at the happy face on my fingernail.



Not to be overcome by this slight interruption, I read the first question. I felt like I was being tested, a final, almost. A final exam yes, it seemed hard and unfair. Why hadn't I been given notes to study from? The injustice of it all sank into my heart, but I realized I had to pull through. My heart didn't have room for the unjust feeling and so it kept sinking into my kidney. It stayed there for a while.



So the first question asked me, had I been treated well? Had I been treated well? HAD I BEEN TREATED WELL? I had been tricked into an evil ploy unsuspectingly, while waiting for my friend and mother to finish using the washroom. I had broken out in sweats and shivers and nauseasness and clammyness and to finally stop the madness, I had to think of my poor friend dingo and start my manic laughter. I really didn't think I had been treated well.



However, they did seem nice enough to not lace the paper with drugs or anything. it really was a friendly thing to do I thought. I decided on the maybe option. As I went to check off the little box, my horror was peaked. There was no maybe box. It sank into me, deep into every bone and muscle, vein, bloodstream and all. My heart sank. No maybe box?



I was devastated, to say the least. All my life I lived for that maybe box. I lived for the chance of maybe, one day, being able to check off that maybe box. I got a little worried because my heart kept sinking. I always thought that it was a figure of speech, and your heart didn't actually sink, not more than half an inch anyway. I always thought it floated back up on its own but my heart seemed to be having some real bad problems here. It went down my right leg and stopped at the calf.



It seemed my muscles were too larger there and would not let it pass. I started having a few coughing spasms and started to choke. The blood was doing something weird and I was almost dieing. Thankfully a friendly kid walked by and kicked me in the shins, bouncing my heart back up to its normal place. I decided to pull out that little handy container of super glue I always keep with me for emergencies. I drank a little, hoping that would help keep my heart in place. Just in case though, I swallowed a stray rubber band found on the floor, to help suspend it. Hopefully it would hold through till the end of this examination and then I might be able to find a doctor.

I wouldn't want to be an unhealthy ruler of dairy queen, after all.



This little episode really made me feel like checking off that "No" box. It just didn't feel right though, I couldn't do it. A thought suddenly occurred to me. It scared me, because this thought was so evil, it could do more damage than I had ever imagined. I was scared to think more of it, but it wouldn't go away. What if I were to draw my own maybe section? It could go right in the middle of the yes and no columns. It seemed like a plausible idea, yet I felt so guilty.



This was a devilish thing to do, perhaps this was part of my training on becoming an evil dairy queen ruler. I felt bad as I did it, but decided I needed to take the risk. G.I. Joe would have been proud, I told myself.



As I checked off that maybe box I felt confident I could continue on with this exam. I looked on to the next question. "Had my food been good?" Well, after this whole ordeal, it was hard to remember. I thought and thought and thought but I could not remember. I couldn't put a no down, because what if it was good and that poor pimply teenager got beaten for it? But I couldn't put a yes because what if it had little ants in it that somehow got in there? Plus I was pretty sure it was contaminated. I thought it through and through, and though it was a tough decision, I decided I needed to check off the maybe box yet again.



I continued on with this miserable exam until I reached the bottom. It said a little note, "thank you for your comments, we appreciate them and hope to see you again soon."



A strange comment for the ordeal I just went through, I figured. I thought about leaving my phone number at the end…but then remembered that maybe column, and decided it would be better not to. I wouldn't want angry dairy queen workers to phone me in the middle of the night, demanding to know the reason for that blasphemy.



As I dropped the card into the plastic container, a new feeling came over me. It was a feeling of accomplishment and great pride. I had just filled out a dairy queen comment card. I felt like I was invincible. I could do anything. if I could get past that, then what else could there possibly be to stop me? Nothing, I knew. This had been the best day of my life. My heart had sunk yes, but my character had been built higher. So high, infact. I was a whole new person.



It then occurred to me that it took an awful long time for my friend and her mother to make it back from the washroom. The dreaded feeling of panic overtook me once again. Had they been kidnapped? And had my thoughts on the intentions of this ploy been wrong after all? Was it really a great big plan to steal the tarnowetzki's? I knew something had to be done. I marched my way to the bathroom. Both stalls were closed. Something was fishy about this. With my feeling of invinciality, I gave a loud, manly roaring noise. I did my wing chong kung fu kick and smacked down that handicapped door faster than you could say deepfry.



I soon learned not all my plans are good. I saw a little old lady sitting there, petrified to death. What was this crazy mad woman doing, going into the bathroom and roaring like an albino Christmas tree? I said my apologies, sincere as they were I don't think she was convinced. I ran out of that place and out the door, wondering a tad why the cops hadn't been called yet.



As I protruded myself out the door I noticed a little red car sitting quaintly in the parking lot. How odd, I thought. I decided to test out my sneakiness and crouched up on it, peering into the windows. I saw 2 mad people and I recognized them. I slowly and ashamedly opened the door and went in. I gave a feeble excuse of 'filling out a comment card'. It seemed they had been waiting all that time. I then heard them muttering and cursing under their breath. I could only hear a few words here and there, but I'm pretty sure that I was no longer invited to do anything with them and should never be allowed to be set loose in public without high supervision. It hurt my feelings and I thought angrily, they could have helped me! But then I remembered it was I who had been chosen, not them.



I was the one chosen for the daunting and horrible task of filling out that card, not them. I was the one that was the better, stronger, more able one. It was only normal of them to be jealous after all. I was invincible, they weren't. I'm not sure if they were aware of that yet, but it was only a matter of time. It was only a matter of time until I put the ingredients of my plan together and finished cooking up my devilish ploy of taking over dairy queen.



Soon everybody would know my name. I would become famous in the world, and would be worshipped by everybody.



As we drove away I felt a pang in my heart. It was kind of a strange pang, it kept re-occurring. I figured it was an empty and lonely feeling, from being driven away from that white plastic box. It wasn't until later that I realized it was actually the rubber band having a hay day in my midsection, bouncing it self here and there and getting to know my white blood cells.



This is the end of my story. This is where I say I then woke up and it was all a dream, right? Wrong. Alas, no, this is a true story. Its one week later and my plan is already boiling in the pot. If I seem like a different person, you now know why. I hope that you keep a copy of this safe because it will be worth millions when the days of my reign are over. Of course that won't be for a long time, but its worth keeping, if even to pass on to your children.



A warning now though, I will be very disappointed if I see this on ebay and I may just use you as an unsuspecting customer some day. of course you wont get the invincible feeling or anything, just all the weirdness.



So long and goodnight.

ETA: Please comment if you read it. I'd like to know what you think, even if its not that long of a comment. I know some will find it strange, just tell me what you all think. :)

It made me laugh..:p I write random things all the time, too.. :D

OMG! That was hilarious! I liked it a lot. I sometimes write random stuff.

haha! that was funny!

Very funny! You're a great writer too :)