May 19th Jokes from my Uncle (mature)

THE NEW DARWIN AWARDS:



Honorable Mentions:





According to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy

Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game

of chicken they were playing with their Snowmobiles.





In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of

water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to

retrieve his car keys.





A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he

ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.





Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug

into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel

Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had

been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it

collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on

the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way

to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took

rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while

about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.





According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was

stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was

trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena

was wearing.





Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Delaware, as he

won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with

four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.





In Guthrie, Oklahoma,, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede

with a shot from his 22 caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a

rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing

his skull.





In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out

cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane

torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his

house.







RUNNER - UP:





TACOMA, WA - - Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends

when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the

Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew

more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge

at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered

that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued

drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay

nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the

other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the

cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously

survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby

fishermen. "All I can say "said Bingham "is that God was watching out

for me on that night." "There's just no other explanation for it."

Bingham's foot was never located.







AND THE WINNER:





Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his

constipated elephant, Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than

a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm

finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!





Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the

ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on

him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked

Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay

unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of

him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no

one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour

before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It

seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves poop

happens."


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Everything in good time and place. Read on!!



The Tomato Company



An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of

a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and

easily passes an aptitude test.



The human resources manager tells him, "You will be

hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so

that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you

all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your

first day."



Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has

neither a computer nor an e-mail address.



To this the manager replies, "You must understand that

to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without

an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech

firm. Good day."



Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and

having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand

selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries

it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he

sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process

several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home

that night with several bags of groceries for his family.



During the night he decides to repeat the tomato

business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every

day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.



Early in the second week he acquires a cart to

transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he

sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.



At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two

sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato

business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking

night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.



By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice

used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling

tomatoes. He continues to work hard.



Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a

fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two

tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put

hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that

the business grossed over one million dollars.



Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life

insurance.



Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an

insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for

his e-mail



When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess

with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned,

"What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where

you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"



"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago

I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."



Which brings us to the moral of the story:



Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably

closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

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Honda Video

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Subject: How much Water?

A koala is sitting up in a gum tree ... smoking a joint

when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,

"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"


The koala says:
"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and
they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his
mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But
the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and
falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and
helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned
and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into
the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting
finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"


So the koala looks down at him and says:


"Sh!!!t dude ... how much
water did you drink?!!"

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