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Sara luvs her Tinky
01-03-2006, 08:14 AM
I really don't want to post this... but I can't stop thinking about it and really need someone to talk to. I will probably take it down later because I don't really like posting too much of my personal problems here.... but this one problem is too much for me. I know this is gonna be long - im sorry.

To sum up some of it. My dad has not been a huge part of my life. He drank when I was a young kid and moved out of state for most of my teenage years and never called for my birthday or Christmas or anything like that....

I'm not mad at him. I love him more than anything. But we are not very close. I don't spend a lot of time with him now because every time I get around him, him and my stepmom are always knocking my mom and trying to make her out to be some terrible person.

Anyway. I seperated from Eric last August. My dad took Eric's side in the divorce. Called Eric and invited him over for steak and told him I was in the wrong..... that he is a good person and I should stay with him. :rolleyes: (like my dad had ANY clue what it was like being married to Eric)

I can't even begin to explain how much that hurt me.

I told my dad before Christmas about me being pregnant and he basically hung the phone up on me. Christmas Eve at my g-parents Christmas party he wouldn't talk to me.... and would turn his back on me if I would walk around him. I will always forgive my dad for things like this. I love him - he is my dad.

Well I hadn't talked to him since Christmas Eve. My sister called me New Years day and after a minute or two of conversation told me she was at Daddy's house and he wanted to talk to me. So he took the phone told me he loved me and said he would appreciate if I would come over.

So I did.

Welllllllll...... We were sitting at the table and the usual drama persued. They (my dad and stepmom) were lecturing me about being pregnant and how I will never make it on my own and need to move in with them.... that they want to help me out.

Then my dad left the room crying. And my stepmom made him come back in and tell me what he was wanting to say.

He came back and told me he believes in his heart "im his youngin" but my mom cheated on him and I'm not his kid.

How in the world after 25 years can he tell me something like that? I am soooo mad at him. What good does he think that did me - where does he think I will benifit from that information?

I wasn't gonna say anything to my mom - but I was crying and she made me tell. I thought she would tell me that dad was crazy and he is my father.... Well she didn't. And before we got off the phone she told me if I want to call her and ask her any questions I could. And I asked her about what (trying to get her to tell me) but she just said about anything. So I guess there is some chance he isn't my dad.

I feel so lost. I feel like I don't know who I am. On top of me being pregnant (and that being a terrible situation too). I just can't do it anymore.

I am so depressed today I can't stop crying. Which I just can't do I'm at work. And If one more person asks me how my new years went I'm gonna lose it.

I don't know what to do... I can't spend the rest of my life like this. :(

I don't know why I posted this... I don't really think you guys could give me advice on this... and I DON'T want pity..... I am just so hurt.

Karen
01-03-2006, 08:34 AM
You know what? Sometimes the biology doesn't matter. That man is your father regardless of whose cells went into your creation. For better or worse, he's your Dad.

You know what else? We love you! We're here for you even if you just need to vent. If there's anything else we can do, let us know, okay?

Sending you big, supportive hugs, because you sound like you need them.

Vermontcat
01-03-2006, 08:53 AM
You know you can always come here to Pet Talk and we will listen and offer you hugs and support.
Are there other family members or friends near you who can help get you through this?
Being pregnant should be a happy time, you need people around you who will support you not distress you.
You will always have your Pet Talk family here for you.
Sending some hugs your way. :)

zippy-kat
01-03-2006, 09:12 AM
Sara,

Karen took the words from my mouth: being a father isn't just a matter of "passing on the genes," it's a matter of being there through thick and thin.

Unfortunately, I don't think this news could have come at a worse time for you. :( And as for the Eric thing... well, I think that in some respects, you sound much more mature than your dad.

I'm glad you're able to vent; sometimes that helps more than anything. Do you keep a journal? That might make you feel a bit better, too.

{{Lean on us! We'll help all that we can.}}

Sara luvs her Tinky
01-03-2006, 09:13 AM
Are there other family members or friends near you who can help get you through this?


thanks guys for being so positive and not saying anything negitive about my parents. I'm not wanting either of them to look like bad people.

I really don't have anyone to talk to.... Maybe that is why I felt I should post it here.

I can't talk to my family - because I am not sure if anyone knows about this - and I just wouldn't feel right unless they already knew. I feel like I have no one right now. :( Well - I do have my best friend though - but she is so mad at my dad right now that she just wants me to write him off - and I can't do that.......

Sara luvs her Tinky
01-03-2006, 09:17 AM
Sara,
Do you keep a journal? That might make you feel a bit better, too.

{{Lean on us! We'll help all that we can.}}

Yes. The doctor told me to try and keep a journal - because I get depressed. It does seem to help.

Thanks so much for the hugs - you guys really mean a lot to me right now.

JenBKR
01-03-2006, 09:25 AM
(((hugs))) I am so sorry that you are going through such a rough time, especially while you are pregnant and really don't need the extra stress. We are always here to talk to, even if you just need someone to listen. Feel free to PM me any time, no matter what for.

ramanth
01-03-2006, 09:29 AM
*HUGS*

When Mike and I split up, my parents wanted us to get back together so bad, but I knew if I did, I would just be so miserable. And it took awhile to get my parents to understand that.

What a sweet and caring heart you have to not hold a grudge against a man that doesn't sound like he was in your life very much. I couldn't imagine not having my dad in my life.

Sounds like he wanted to clear his concience and though he can't be blamed for that and for wanting to tell the truth, his timing pretty much sucked, in my opinion.

Plus you're having a baby, and that's that. Lecturing is pointless.

I wish you well. *HUGS*

catnapper
01-03-2006, 09:34 AM
I am soooo very sorry. It sounds like a dreadful Christmas and New Years.

I wish I had words of wisdom that wopuld magically make you feel better, but I don't.

I am so sorry that your dad is making this harder on you, but it sounds like he's doing what he thinks needs to be done. Maybe he's been so hard on you in the past because this little family secret has been burning him up. Now you know exactly why he and your stepmom have been so venomous towards your mom.... now that everyone knows, and everyone can move on.

I've seen time and time again, men from older generations who are too stubborn to admit they may have done something wrong. Perhaps telling you about your paternity is his way of letting you know why he's acted the way he has, and this is his way of saying "lets start over." This could be his way of creating a new, closer relationship with you. Because now he doesn't have to lie, he doesn't have to know in the back of his head that he's harboring a secret from you --- one that I really feel you need to know. I know people will argue that, but for health reasons, you really DO need to know about your real father's family health history so YOU can protect yourself and the baby if there's a family history of certain diseases.

((((HUGS))))) Don't feel bad about posting here - you'll get a lot of support.

Pam
01-03-2006, 09:47 AM
Sara, I have always admired you for being so mature for your age. (This is coming from an old lady of 59!) You have had some things hurled at you recently that would most certainly have caused many others to cave in. I am glad you have posted because, as you can already see, there is a lot of love here and wisdom and compassion.

I personally don't know how I'd feel or what I would do in your situation, but I doubt I would be handling it well. I know it would be very easy to get angry at everything and everyone at this point, but anger is often worse on the person who harbors it than on the one/ones that we are angry at. I can feel the love that you have for both parents and once again that speaks to your maturity and cool head despite all of the emotions you must be feeling. I don't have anything to say to help, but can pray for you and offer you (((hugs))) and a listening ear. Bless you sweetie. You and that little one will be in my prayers.

anna_66
01-03-2006, 09:51 AM
Sara,
I'm so sorry to hear your feeling so terrible and it sounds like the timing of this whole thing is just as bad.

Oh how I wish I was there to give you a BIG HUG http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v43/anna66/Smileys/bighug.gifand tell you everything was going to be alright.

Just know that we're all here for you no matter what.
PM if you need anything at all OK?

Love ya sweetie
Anna

Cataholic
01-03-2006, 10:13 AM
Sara- I pm'd you.

But, I just want to make a small point- publically. Your whole life is NOT falling apart. Far from it. Your whole life is really just about to explode tenfold with JOY, BLESSINGS, AND LOVE from above. I have a feeling there are several mothers on here that would echo my sentiments.

Hang in there, as I can promise you, things will get better.

Johanna

Tubby & Peanut's Mom
01-03-2006, 10:50 AM
Oh Sara, I'm so sorry all this is going on now, at a time when you need support more than anything.

Obviously I don't know your dad or any of your family, and only know you from PT, so this is no justification for anyone, just a stab at trying to help you understand.

Obviously divorce is tough on everyone, including the extended family. And you being pregnant on top of it doesn't make it any easier - on anyone. Emotions are obviously running high in your whole family, which is probably what prompted your father to make this revelation at this time.

First of all, the most obvious thing to do from my outsiders point of view is to call your mom and have a good long talk. She said she you should call and ask any questions you want, so don't beat around the bush. Before you call - or better yet, visit in person - make a list of questions. This will keep you focused because things could get quite emotional while you're talking to her, and you might forget a question or two.

Secondly, have a talk with your dad and stepmom. Tell them you love him/them and you want them in your life, but you do not appreciate all the "mom bashing" and ask them to stop that. Tell them you need their support and appreciate their offer to help you out, but the best way they can do that is to stop any and all negativity towards everything including your mom, your divorce, your ability to make it on your own, your status as daughter, etc.

Thirdly, do not ever apologize for bringing your problems to PT. We are all here for you, through good and bad. Sometimes we may not be able to offer advice, but as you are finding by writing your journal, sometimes it just helps so much to just write it all down and get it off your chest.

Fourthly, remember there is always a rainbow at the end of the storm. So like Johanna says..... ;)

Hang in there sweetie, things will get better. {{{hugs}}} :)

Kfamr
01-03-2006, 10:59 AM
Sara, I really wish there was something I could say that would patch things up and make them "perfect" for you. I am at loss of words and I really do wish you the best. Please, although I may not have much to say, if you need anyone to talk to please PM me. BIG {{{HUGS}}} to you...

Kay

Queen of Poop
01-03-2006, 11:21 AM
It's not falling apart, but it is certainly giving you a good test. Getting thru this adversity will make you a much stronger person and able to carry on into the future with your baby. Be strong, get what you need from your support system (family), and don't be afraid to get what you can from us here at Pet Talk. Take care dear, know that you are in our hearts/prayers.

Sara luvs her Tinky
01-03-2006, 11:47 AM
I am so sorry that your dad is making this harder on you, but it sounds like he's doing what he thinks needs to be done. Maybe he's been so hard on you in the past because this little family secret has been burning him up. Now you know exactly why he and your stepmom have been so venomous towards your mom.... now that everyone knows, and everyone can move on.


That is one thing that makes this so painful. My dad or stepmom are far from angels. My dad was an alcoholic that cheated on my mom numerous times - even with my stepmom. I really can't stand her sometimes for some of the ways she acts like my mom is a bad person. I can't say my mom was justified for what she did - and I can't blame her either.

My dad tells me each and every way my mom went wrong - never admitting his own mistakes. Sometimes I think he does it so I will like/love him more. But this time I fell he went too far. He really hurt me this time - i feel he had no business telling me what he did. There is nothing anyone can do about it now.... and no one will benifit from him telling me...... I am so angry.


But... thanks again everyone for your kind words and hugs - I didn't think it would make me feel better to talk about it .... but it has. You guys are the best!!!!!

Maya & Inka's mommy
01-03-2006, 11:51 AM
Oh Sara, I'm so sorry all this is going on now, at a time when you need support more than anything.

Obviously I don't know your dad or any of your family, and only know you from PT, so this is no justification for anyone, just a stab at trying to help you understand.

Obviously divorce is tough on everyone, including the extended family. And you being pregnant on top of it doesn't make it any easier - on anyone. Emotions are obviously running high in your whole family, which is probably what prompted your father to make this revelation at this time.

First of all, the most obvious thing to do from my outsiders point of view is to call your mom and have a good long talk. She said she you should call and ask any questions you want, so don't beat around the bush. Before you call - or better yet, visit in person - make a list of questions. This will keep you focused because things could get quite emotional while you're talking to her, and you might forget a question or two.

Secondly, have a talk with your dad and stepmom. Tell them you love him/them and you want them in your life, but you do not appreciate all the "mom bashing" and ask them to stop that. Tell them you need their support and appreciate their offer to help you out, but the best way they can do that is to stop any and all negativity towards everything including your mom, your divorce, your ability to make it on your own, your status as daughter, etc.

Thirdly, do not ever apologize for bringing your problems to PT. We are all here for you, through good and bad. Sometimes we may not be able to offer advice, but as you are finding by writing your journal, sometimes it just helps so much to just write it all down and get it off your chest.

Fourthly, remember there is always a rainbow at the end of the storm. So like Johanna says..... ;)

Hang in there sweetie, things will get better. {{{hugs}}} :)

I couldn't have said it better!!
I also would like to emphasize (sp??)that your REAL parents are the ones who raised you, loved you, took care of you. I see the perfecr proof of that in both my children. They are both adopted, so there is NO physical bond between them and my hubby & I. Still, they are OUR kids, and it doesn't matter to us what history they have . They also both say they see US as their real parents!
Hang in there, Sara. Try to get more information, but put it all behind you then. Concentrate on that new little being that is growing inside you, it will bring happiness in your life again :)

Sara luvs her Tinky
01-03-2006, 11:55 AM
My mom called me at work. Because I sent her an email telling her I couldn't stop crying and I didn't know what to do.

She thought it was some of my "pregnant hormones" but. I told her it wasn't that it was because of what dad told me.

She asked if I wanted to talk about it now - and of course I don't .... not at work anyway. I can tell she feels terrible - she didn't want to let me go but really didn't have anything to say. I wish I could get a hug from her right now.

I can't believe this is happeing. I would never in a million years think that this would happen to me. I feel SO DEPRESSED! And it makes it worse knowing I can't just keep it together for the baby. I want to be happy and be healthy for the baby..... but this is really just too much for me right now.

I'm gonna go and look at some pictures of everyones furry kids.... i really need a smile right now. :( :(

JenBKR
01-03-2006, 12:01 PM
Maybe you need a heart-to-heart with your mom soon and get everything out in the open. Your father and stepmom should not have said that, but there's no use dwelling on that as it is already done. You are such a good person for being such a wonderful daughter to your dad considering all of the hurt he has caused you. I don't know that I would be as gracious as you, it can't be easy. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers ((hugs))

luvofallhorses
01-03-2006, 12:04 PM
((((hugs)))) I hope things start looking up for you soon!

mina'smomma
01-03-2006, 12:43 PM
Sara I sent you a pm hun.

Ginger's Mom
01-03-2006, 12:54 PM
I wish I had some wonderful advise to give you to help. All I have is {{{Hugs}}}. Hope things get better.

Edwina's Secretary
01-03-2006, 01:00 PM
Sara....I'm with your best friend on this. When you are emotionally able, you might ask your father WHY he chose this particular time to make this announcement.

Just because we love our family members doesn't mean we have to like the things they do.

Just remember the words of Eleanor Roosevelt...."no one can make you feel inferior without your permission...."

shais_mom
01-03-2006, 01:10 PM
After I would give you a hug I would like to knock your dad's sock off him.
Blood father or not he is the one that "raised" you (well let me put it this way the only father you know and love) and he needs to stand by you no matter what. Like you needed this to add to your life right now. I have grown up in a very supportive family and too see him do this to you angers me. He turned this around and made it about HIM when it's you that is struggling right now. Even if the chance that he isn't your father - you are in innocent in his game to hurt your mom. Does he expect you to turn your feelings off for him? And I have a feeling that is the brunt of why he opened the can of worms - to hurt your mom thru you.
what a putz.


{{hugs to you}}

My Peanuts
01-03-2006, 01:12 PM
He loves you and you love him. He is your Dad no matter what. Maybe now that this is out in the open your relationship will be better. Maybe subconsciously he was resenting you and now the two of you can get past this. You are pregnant and it might be a good idea for your baby’s sake to find who your real dad is, so you can get some kind of biological history. I really feel for you. My life has been having some pretty bad ups and downs too.

kuhio98
01-03-2006, 02:28 PM
I am so sorry that during this emotional time, he felt the need to give you this piece of news. I'm sorry, but it sounds very selfish to me for him to unload this secret he's been carrying right now when you are pregnant. But, maybe there is no good time to get this news. I'm not bashing your parents at all. We are all human and make mistakes. YOU are not a mistake. Your biology doesn't change who you are. Have a long talk with your Mom as soon as possible. Not knowing makes it seem bigger than it actually is. Not to make this about me, but I want to tell you some family history.

All my life, I was told that my grandmother was Cherokee. As a kid, I'd ask her stories about the Cherokee and she was pretty sketchy on details. I studied American Indians in school and was so proud when I told everyone that I was part Cherokee. My grandma passed away at the ripe old age of 92. I went to her funeral and walked the cemetary with my older cousins. I wondered aloud about where our Cherokee relatives were buried. They burst out laughing and told me that grandma wasn't Cherokee, she was African American! She had spent her whole life lying about her heritage and pretending to be something she wasn't. That's a sad way to live. When I told my sister this news she said it changed everything. She said she didn't know who she was anymore. I laughed and told her that it changed nothing. We are the same people we were the day before we found this out. We're still the same silly, goofy, flawed human beings we were before. Nothing had changed.

You haven't changed either. You are still the same loving, sensitive person you've always been. What your parents did or did not do is of no consequence. You haven't changed a bit.

I hope that after you talk to your Mom, you will realize that things happen in life. You can either let them break you or you can learn to roll with the punches. Stay true to yourself. This is a very emotional time for you. I've never been pregnant but I've seen how my friends have been so emotional during their pregnancies. Now is not the time to make life altering decisions. There is plenty of time for that. Rest and relax. Let you Mom bring you over some dinner and sit around and have a good talk.

I hope you feel better soon and realize that this isn't really a bombshell even though it might feel like it right now.

prechrswife
01-03-2006, 02:35 PM
I think others here have said things better than I could, but you are in my prayers. Take care of yourself and that precious baby. (((((Hugs)))))

moosmom
01-03-2006, 06:00 PM
Your whole life is really just about to explode tenfold with JOY, BLESSINGS, AND LOVE from above. I have a feeling there are several mothers on here that would echo my sentiments.

I echo, I echo!!!!! Wait till the moment they place that precious bundle in your arms and this will all melt away. Although your Dad's timing really sucks, I also think being pregnant, rampant hormones and the stress of the holidays doesn't help matters.

Don't ever feel like you're being a bother because you need to vent. That's what friends are for!! ;)

Sara,

We love you and only want you to be happy. Big HUGS from me and the kits!

Donna

jazzcat
01-03-2006, 06:34 PM
Sara, I hadn't heard all your news of late. I don't have any wonderful words of wisdom but I want to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

(((((HUGS)))))

zippy-kat
01-03-2006, 06:44 PM
{{hugs}}

Still thinking about ya!

Cincy'sMom
01-03-2006, 07:15 PM
I can't add anything that others haven't already said, but I am glad you feel comfortable enough to vent here. Everyone needs an outlet, and sometimes less biased ear to listen. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

slleipnir
01-03-2006, 07:18 PM
I'm sorry all this is happening to you. My sister's father was pretty bad to her, I guess...so my mom and her moved away from him. She never talked to him since (she was really small at the time) she met my dad some time later. My dad has always treated her like a daughter, and if you ask my sister what he fathers name is, she will say my dad's name. She says he is more of a father than her real one...I guess what I'm trying to say is it doesn't really matter about "blood" he is your father. I guess that doesn't help at all...but I hope it gets better for you, I really do.

Nomilynn
01-03-2006, 07:22 PM
Sara,

I dont have any advice to offer but I think everyone here has put it all very well - you are loved and can come to us for support any time! :) Don't hesitate to PM me for anything :)

Naomi *hugs*

NoahsMommy
01-03-2006, 08:06 PM
Sara,

What I first feel compelled to tell you is that you did the right thing coming to us - those who care for you - with your current problems.

I too grew up with a dad who when in the company of his new wife, would spend weekend visits telling all about how horrible of a mother I had. (like you, I lived with mom - dad only had visitations rights) Now that I'm older, I've realized all it did was make them look like complete idiots. No matter what age, that is wrong. I understand the love you feel for your father, but honey, please look at his actions...not his words. You need and deserve support...

I know that you find solace and comfort in God...and honey, right now, you need it. He loves you, and while you're going through a horrible time right now, He is there to talk to. I know that when we get in over our heads in fear/frustration/anger, we tend to blame Him. But, even if you are mad at Him, He can still provide peace. I'll keep you in my prayers, OK?

I'm sorry you've found out there is a possibility that your father may not be your bio father. But like the others have said, genes don't mean all that much. My step-dad has only been in my life for about 6 years and I adore him. He's done more for me that my biological father ever did...or would do.

I hope I didn't say anything too harsh about your father. I'm reading this without the emotion you feel right now AND I care about you alot, honey. It hurts me to know you're in pain and that a family member is causing it. You're dealing with SOOO much right now, I'd love to take it away for you. :(

If you want to talk, will you let me know?? I can call you whenever you'd like. I'm going to PM you my contact information, OK?? I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this, its not fair. :(

Hugs and Love,
Kelly

NoahsMommy
01-03-2006, 08:11 PM
He really hurt me this time - i feel he had no business telling me what he did. There is nothing anyone can do about it now.... and no one will benifit from him telling me...... I am so angry.


Sara,

I'm glad you realize this. What he did was hateful. There wasn't going to be ANYTHING good from this comment to you...nothing.

I wish I could come over and give you a huge hug right now, sweetie!!!

krazyaboutkatz
01-04-2006, 01:26 AM
Sara, I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time right now. :( You'll be in my thoughts and prayers and things will get better. Please take care and feel free to pm me. (((((HUGS)))))

Sara luvs her Tinky
01-04-2006, 06:40 AM
I talked to my mom yesterday and she told me that my dad is actually not my "biological dad". She wanted to give me an explination of what happened but I really don't need to know.

I feel better now that I know. Yesterday was just torture sitting around thinking about it and not really knowing.

I feel like this is all a dream though. I got A LOT of thoughts going through my head now. Bad ones and good ones. BUT i'm not crying today and that feels good. I would give ANYTHING to rewind time and my dad not tell me that though. I know for sure I would have been just fine living the rest of my life not knowing.

Thanks everyone for your support and *hugs*hugs*hugs*!!! :D
You guys helped more than you probably know.

Pam
01-04-2006, 06:54 AM
Sara, I'm glad you are feeling better today and very glad that your mom has chosen to tell you the truth. I would hear her out. I know this must have been a terrible secret for her to keep all of these years and I think it will provide tremendous healing for both of you to understand it as well as is possible. Of course the pain of the lie will last long after all of this is over, but it is not something that you won't be able to rise above. As someone else mentioned, knowing the medical history of your real father will be more important now that you have a little one on the way.

A good friend of mine was told, at the age of 21, that she was adopted. I know it is not quite the same thing but I watched her dissolve into tears because of the loss of trust in her parents. Concentrate on that new little one growing inside you. The love that will come at his/her birth will be overwhelming and all-consuming and totally blot out all of this pain. I promise. I am still praying for you!

Tubby & Peanut's Mom
01-04-2006, 10:38 AM
I'm glad you talked to your mom and I'm doubly glad that she is so willing to be honest and open about what happened. At least you know that she is willing to share. For now it might be enough to just know, but as time goes on, you may want to know more details and it's good to know that she is willing to not hide anything anymore.

I can only imagine what a shock this must all be to you. However, no one is going anywhere so you have plenty of time to process it all and take your time in absorbing what this is all ultimately going to mean in your life.

I hope and pray that your baby is so healthy that knowing your bioligical history is never necessary.

I'm so glad you're feeling better. :) {{{hugs}}}

RobiLee
01-04-2006, 11:09 AM
Sara, I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry that you are going through this. I'm not good at knowing what to say but I just wanted to let you know that I care and I hope that you will be ok. You have lots of support hear and I hope that you will remember that. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong, Sara.

Corinna
01-04-2006, 11:26 AM
Every one has pretty much said it all. Except for one thing that kind of sticks out to me. You say Step mom made him come back and tell you, sounds like she was the "bad " one in this. Not to step mom bash but go back and reread your first post . You need to talk to him alone and just hash it all out.

gini
01-04-2006, 12:00 PM
Goodness sakes, thank God you chose to come to all of us with this.

It doesn't sound as though anyone has considered your feelings here. And how awful that this has just been dumped on you. Sorry to bash any of your family - but good God - nice to read that they could get rid of all of their guilt and bash your Mom to boot -

No one, absolutely no one, has led a perfect stain free life! But how we handle other people's feelings if they are involved is the true test.

When these things happen, and we receive unexpected news - it blind sides us. And then we go through various stages - the first being intense hurt and that sits with us for a while. But after a while that gives way to real anger - how could they do this to you? This is the dangerous period because it is hard to contain that anger and words could be exchanged that will only make matters worse.

But finally, we enter a period of acceptance. It becomes clear that you cannot go back in time - make things go away - that what IS has to be accepted. With this period also comes some kind of inner peace - it just sneaks in and levels everything out.

This is the period you haven't entered yet - but it will come.

When you talk to any of the members of your family about this - it is important you use what are called "I" messages. That means you tell them how "YOU" feel............not how they should have acted, or how they should have handled this. Tell them how it has impacted "YOU". Please know, that they might not understand because they are too into themselves.
But they need to be told how all of this news has impacted YOU.

So help me, I am sitting here with tears in my eyes for you.

How I wish - all of us wish - that we could take it away from you.

But as so many Mothers have pointed out - there is something wonderful going on that will make your life completely worthwhile........and that is your unborn child. Just think of what a great Mom you can be - you are learning so many lessons right now that will insure that you are.

You will always be honest with this child - you won't keep any secrets from this child - you will guarantee that the child is well loved and it will feel secure.

What an example you are to the rest of your family - and they just cannot see beyond themselves to realize it. Keep up the good work - how I do admire you -

The best is yet to come - you can count on it.

And finally, I send you the biggest hug of support that I can. Don't delete this message - all of us are learning something from you too!

xxoo Gini

tatsxxx11
01-04-2006, 12:22 PM
Wonderfully, perfectly said gini, I couldn't agree with you more. And our dear, sweet Sara, always the one to take it all on the chin and suffer silently:( I can only imagine how devastating it was for you to hear this news, to hear it now and in the manner that you did. As gini suggests, it is so important that you let your Mom, your Dad and your step mom know how all of this has impacted you, without placing blame or inditing; not in anger, but from your heart. Yes, use the "I" word! They all need to realize the overwhelming consequences of their actions or inactions. None of us lives or acts in a vacuum and what we do and say in life has far reaching effects. You are a brave and loving soul and I have no doubt that in time, you will reach a point of accepatance and hopefully, take from an otherwise sad and tragic circumstance, something positive. Again, as gini pointed out, the feelings you are experiencing are not dissimilar to those people who have experienced the death of a love one feel....shock, denial, anger, grief, acceptance. With the help of those who love you, and that certainly includes us, you will get through this Sara. Hold onto us, your friends, those who care for you and the thought that soon your life will be blessed with the greatest of gifts:) You cannot change what has happened, but you can look forward to the future with hope and optimism.

Love~

pnance
01-04-2006, 01:17 PM
Sara I've read this thread and wasn't going to post because it brought a lot of memories for me back. But I thought some of this might help since I understand some of what your going through. When my parents seperated my dad also told me I wasn't his, at the same time my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer so I chose not to confront her with it. He then went and told my 8 year old sister that my mom was going to die when Dr.'s said w/treatment she had a good chance. All this was in the space of a month. Part of me has always regretted not confronting my mom about what he said, but to be honest I'm not sure I want to know. You should give yourself a lot of credit for doing that and agree with the others that you should sit down and talk to her or you'll probably always wonder. What gini said is right you have something wonderful to focus on right now and that's your child. Right now everything seems to be falling apart, but in the end you'll come out of all this a better/stronger person. Time can heal a lot of wounds and bring understanding. My father and I didn't speak for 10 years after all this and I lost all contact with that side of my family. In the past few years we've begun to take tentative steps towards a relationship. I guess the point i'm trying to make is that right now you probably feel that everything is going wrong, try to focus on the things that are good and going right and eventually you'll be able to look back on this time and realize it was hard and painful but gave you a stength and understanding that you'll pass on to your own child. I wish you all the best and if you just want to talk feel free to contact me.

Vio&Juni
01-04-2006, 03:37 PM
I can only echo what Johanna and Debbie said.

sabies
01-04-2006, 09:57 PM
Sara I only know about your situation from what is in this thread, and it sounds like your father is not able to be supportive of you. Remember those are his issues, not yours. Try to focus on positive people in your life right now. You and your baby are priority number one.

With family members especially we can tend to fall into a pattern of how we let them treat us. Don't let people say or do things to you to cause you to get depressed. I often find animal training concepts very helpful in learning to deal with people!

Sara luvs her Tinky
01-05-2006, 07:51 AM
Like Gini said.... I am feeling better so I figure I must be accepting it.

I have been thinking alot about it and decided i'm going to write my dad a letter. That way I can tell them how I feel and get my point across without them being able to put their negitive spin on things.

I really love you guys so much. It really made things easier posting this here. I was scared to, and I don't really know why. ... but I am soooo glad I did. You guys are the best support system ever - and to someone you have never even met.

Thanks so much for your advice.... it helped me to think clearer and I really needed that.

{{HUGS}} to all of ya'll and all your furry babies.... and skin babies. :)
I wish I could tell you how much your support for this means to me!!!!!

AmberLee
01-05-2006, 05:12 PM
Coming in quite late, but ... as the advice already given is healing and wonderful (Gini's really affected me!) I will just send {{{hugs}}}.

Cassy and Livvy send slurps, purrs, and >^._.^< headbumpies >^._.^< to you and your kids.

Barbara
01-05-2006, 05:21 PM
I also come in quite late- and I am not always a forgiving person.
I have the impression that your parents (and whether they are biological or not doesn't bother me) are less mature than you are.

You dad sure could have decided on a better moment than right now.

But I am with Cataholic: your life will be a wonderful one because it is in you- and that is what you are :)

Laura's Babies
01-05-2006, 07:11 PM
It does not matter who plants the seed for a tree. The true owner is the one who waters it, nutures it, keeps it healthy and it there to watch it grow and loves it.

I want to share with you my daughter Ries story. Her bio father left when she was about 2 months old. I later met and married a nice man that raised her. He was her Dad, he played with her, held her, laughed at her when she was funny, worried about her when she was sick and actually, the ONLY Dad she knew.

When she was 17, her bio Dad re-intered her life. He did the Mom bashing thing and tried to mess up her head. She called me one time crying because he had accused me of all sorts of stuff and pretty much told her I was not at all the person she thought I was. I will tell you what I told her.. "YOU know your mother better than anybody does, you know in your heart what is truth and what is lie. She has been in your life a lot longer than he has so you know her a LOT better than he could ever know her so you make your own choice as to rather to believe him or not based on what you know about the one who raised you." Her sperm donor died not long after that and she called crying and told me he had been killed, her "father" was gone forever.. And I told her this "Your Dad is not gone, the Dad who loved you all your life is here, waiting for you to come back. The man who died was only a sperm donor, come on back home!"

She will fight you to the end over her Dad. He is not as handsome as he use to be and he is getting old and slow but she loves him, he is her Dad! It does not matter WHO was the sperm donor, what matters was who was there for you all your life, that is who your real Dad is.... Sounds to me like this step dad wasn't much of a father either if he took what he THINKS out on you and how he treated you. Ha! Rie's sperm donor even told her that he did not believe she was his too. I think that is easy excuse men use a lot when they don't want to face their responsiability. A DNA test could fix that right up and put a end to rumor or fact!

KYS
01-05-2006, 08:47 PM
I can not add what everybody has posted so eloquently.
But I wanted to give you a BIG hug.

(((HUGS)))

K9karen
01-06-2006, 01:42 AM
Sorry, I'm late on this too. I think you got some wonderful advise. I, too, am a letter writer, and feel so much better afterwards, putting my thoughts down properly. My concern is YOU and your baby. Your emotional, mental and physical well being is crucial. I'm praying that things will work out for you. It breaks my heart. I haven't even digested this all right now, so I'll keep my mouth shut. I just want you to know that, as everyone has said, we love you. I know we all want to give you a collective hug and comfort you. Sight unseen, we will always be here for you. {Hugs}..