Suggestions, please

[thelmalu99]

Hi guys. I would appreciate ANY suggestions anyone may have. I have a friend at work who has two cats, Molly and Molly (yes, they both have the same name, lol) and she was asking me what to do about this, so please help if you can.

They are both female cats, aged approximately 3-4 years. My friend loves her cats, but her boyfriend HATES them, and they're moving in together!!! They just bought an apartment. She is freaking out, because sometimes her kitties will pee on her rug, but she just scrubs it out with stuff and calls it a day. Her boyfriend, on the other hand, says that if one of those cats pees on his throw rugs (he has several), there will be trouble. These are apparently very expensive rugs. The boyfriend wants her to buy a big cage and keep the kitties caged up all day while they are at work. They won't have a spare room in the new place, so they can't even keep them there all day. I have suggested that she try using Feliway on the rugs, since I have read about it here at Pet Talk, and so many people here endorse the product. Besides that, I don't know what else to suggest.

I am so upset and I wish I had more suggestions for her. She doesn't want to rehome them, because she's afraid that they might be abused, given up because of the peeing issue, etc. Someone even suggested to her that she have them put down!!!!! :mad: :mad:

Please, guys...if anyone has a suggestion, please share it. We are desperate and will try anything. Thanks.

[wolflady]

Oh Thelma, what a predicament your friend is in!!! That really is a tough position to be in, and I don't know how helpful I can be. I just wanted to chime in and to let you know that I'm thinking about your friend and hope everything works out.
Does she know why the kitties sometimes pee outside of their box? Do the two females get along ok? This situation hits a little close to home as I have a cat with a behavioral problem and he eliminates outside of the box. We have tried everything the vet has suggested, and right now our only option is to have him in his kitty playpen whenever no one is around to watch him. It's plenty big enough to fit his covered litterbox, his food mat with the water and food dishes, and there are 2 "shelves" that he can lay on. However, I do feel bad about having him locked up in his playpen all day, but he does seem to consider it a safe haven. Even when we do let him out, he'll often times go there if he feels stressed by company and such. I asked the vet about this because I was concerned about him being cooped up, and he said it was a perfectly fine solution as cats tend to sleep most of the day while we're gone anyway. I found his playpen at drs. foster and smith website. You could suggest your friend to visit that website and see if there is a playpen that would fit 2 cats, or she could get one per cat..but those pens are pretty large!

I don't want to sound mean, but another option would be to get rid of the boyfriend! Now, I don't want to pass judgement on him, for he could be a perfectly nice guy, and I don't know his situation, but in my opinion, if I were in that position and my boyfriend hated cats (right there...he would be gone...HA!), and suggested getting rid of them...that just goes to show something negative about him and he would be out the door. How is their relationship? How does he treat her? A lot of people really care about their animals and think of them as children, and simply asking them to get rid of them or suggesting putting them down because of his precious carpets, shows that he just thinks of them as possessions simply to be discarded. For me, this would be a serious red flag in a relationship, and I would be hesitant to move in with him. I can't even imagine suggesting someone to get rid of their animals! Even if they have a problem, they're just like kids in that they rely on you to take care of them and protect them. I can honestly say that Scooter's behavioral problem is so bad that almost any other person probably would have had him put down by now, but Aaron just loves that thing so much, that we just deal with it.
You really can tell a lot about a person by they way they treat animals:D I hope I didn't offend you, but I worry about people in positions like hers. Probably because a really good friend of mine's aunt had the same thing happen to her. Boyfriend didn't like cat. Boyfriend threatened to dump cat out on the side of the road. Being apalled at this, I took the cat in. Boyfriend moved in with girlfriend. Boyfriend beat girlfriend...it was really bad. I just worry, that's all...{{{hugs}}}

[TheAntiPam]

Cat Cage - I have the same cage which I use for my blind cat. He spends about 12 hours a day in the cage, which has his food, water and litterbox. He uses the shelves, but occasionally falls off *THUD* :rolleyes: When I am home, he is able to roam around at will. If I could protect him while I am away from the house, I would prefer that. But he has adjusted and seems to be settled with his routine. Safety and routine seem the important parts.

Cats vs. Boyfriend - a very difficult situation indeed. If the person is willing to listen and learn about animals, there is hope. But if the person is inflexible, the alarms should be ringing loudly. Many of us have learned these lessons the hard way.:mad: I hope these people work things out with love and care for ALL!

[AmberLee]

I'm at a loss... The idea of buying an apartment with someone who HATES my babies is setting off all kinds of alarms. :eek: Ahem, it seems the deed is done though, right? :( I will watch this post with interest, but have misgivings.

Wish her luck, from me, please. The situation just doesn't sound good to me. :( Dang.

[auggie]

Thelma, have the kitties been checked for a possible urinary problem? I'm totally appalled by the person who suggested having them put down.:mad:
Karen, I agree that you can tell a lot of a person by the way they treat animals.
Rehoming is the ONLY solution.

[LoudLou]

Don't know who said this but,...."My husband said it was him or the cat...I miss him sometimes." -- Unknown

I was once told the best way to judge ones character was to watch how they treat their Parents AND their Pets.... So, far it has saved me a lot of heartache.

[AmberLee]

Originally posted by LoudLou
... I was once told the best way to judge ones character was to watch how they treat their Parents AND their Pets.... So, far it has saved me a lot of heartache...

Very early in my dating career (uh, there's got to be a better way to put that...), I was told a version of that: see how they treat their siblings... Like you, it was a huge eye opener for me and it did alert me to some situations that were better not to get into...

I'll add parents and pets to my list, and if you like, add siblings to yours!!! ;) :D :D

[thelmalu99]

Thank you, all, for the input.
The boyfriend has a dog, so he should understand her relationship with her cats. I am definitely going to suggest to her that she should explain it to him in a way that he might understand: "what if I hated your dog??? how would you feel?" I think that this is valid, and maybe turning the tables will help some.
An inside joke: she said to me "Thelma, if the cats ruined his rugs, it would be a blessing to me, because the rugs are hideous!"
Anyway, she is willing to work with him and accept his ugly rugs, so why shouldn't he accept her with all that she comes with?
Also, the dog and the cats get along fine (something that I would be more concerned about than some stupid rugs!!), so no problem there.
I totally agree with everyone: get rid of the boyfriend! But they have already purchased the apartment, so there you have it. Personally, I think that, if you haven't even moved in together and there are already major disagreements like this one, then that's a sign of things to come. I do, however, like this girl very much, I know that she is a good person who loves her cats, and I know that she is trying very hard to make things work out. I just want to be able to help her out, as it is obviously stressing her out a great deal,
I also want to point out that the boyfriend wasn't the one to suggest that she put the cats down. I think that, in his small mind, he believes that he is compromising by "letting" her keep her cats. So wrong.


Tutone: I agree with you on the cage thing, because even though he's now saying that it will only be during the day when they're not home to watch the cats, what happens while they (the humans) are sleeping? They can't watch the cats then, so they go back into the cage??

Wolflady: Thank you for your good wishes. The cage thing is strange, because I don't think it's a very big apartment (it's a Manahattan apartment), so where would they put the thing? I really don't think that Michael (the boyfriend) would be any happier having a cage in the middle of his apartment than he would having the cats.
The females get along fine. I think that they're from the same litter. I do also have to say that the cats are declawed, and I know that declawed cats do sometimes tend to have behavioral problems (it's no wonder!).
I also know what you're saying about the whole controlling/abusive situation. That worries me. Today it's the cats, tomorrow, something else...
Right now, I just want to help her find a solution, because I know she loves her cats and I don't want to see these precious babies in a bad situation.

Anti Pam: Yeah, I know firsthand about finding out that relationships aren't just about I love you. Like I said, he has a pet of his own, so he should be more understanding.

AmberLee: Yeah, unfortunately, the deed is done; the apartment has already been purchased, which is why I want to try and help her find a solution as quickly as possible because I am hoping that he will live with the cats for a while and end up actually liking (if not loving *fingers crossed*) them. Maybe I'm being overly optimistic? I'm sorry, but I'm so stressed out over this that it's driving me crazy.

I know that this post is just waaay to long, but I just want to thank you all for trying to help me out here.

My roommmate suggested that my friend try to explain to the boyfriend that, for the first few months, he leave his *precious* rugs rolled up and away in the closet. This because it takes cats a while to become accustomed to a new home and they may just pee in the wrong place until they adapt themselves to their new environment. They can decide what to do about the rugs once everyone has become accustomed to the new living arrangements.
My roommmate also said that this girl should just tell her boyfriend that she doesn't like his rugs and doesn't even want them in her house! Haha, that'll show him!!

Anyway, thank you everyone for the input and thanks for dealing with this long-winded post. I really do appreciate the help with this upsetting situation.

Love you all,
thelma

[yorkster]

Aaaaccckkk! Part of me feels sorry for her, and part of me wants to shake sense into her! :(

I think she has obviously made up her mind too............so therefore, it would be better if she just found a new home for the poor things. This guy has already made up his mind about her cats, and if she brings them with her, he is only going to find things wrong with them NO MATTER WHAT they do (or don't do.) :eek:
The poor kitties won't have a chance, sorry to say..................
And we all know that cats have their...................habits.

When I met my hubby, I had 2 cats, and he had never been a 'cat person' before. I KNEW for certain that he had to learn to be, or there was no way we would have continued dating.
Well........he is now totally freaky about our kitties. He tells me now that he can not see how he got along all those years without cats!
That is the sign of good man I think.



:D :cool: :D :D

If it was me, I would encourage this girl to find a decent, loving home for her kitties- I just have a hinky feeling that he would be abusive with them (or at the least very neglectful).
Or better yet, find a new boyfriend........but obviously that is not going to happen- she has already made her choice. Poor girl. :confused:

[Former User]

Oh, what a difficult desicion this is... I would do as you said Thelma, roll the carpets away for a while, so the cats have time to adjust to a new place. Maybe they won't pee after a while to places they're not supposed to pee.

Good luck for your friend! Hope everything will turn out fine for everyone!

[Gio]

Most behavioral problems can be solved with a lot of patience. The suggestions given by a number of people, like keeping the rugs rolled for a while until they adjust are excellent, I just wonder if he is willing to put up with it. But if the boyfriend is so adamant that he hates the cats perhaps rehoming is the best solution (for the cats of course). I think that you can say that you prefer cats to dogs or vice versa but hating them? Personally if someone said he hated my cats then I would ask the cats to kindly show him the door.

[lynnestankard]

You know Thelma no one is going to sort this mess out apart from your girlfriend and her boyfriend! I've read this thread from beginning to end - twice! Everyone's giving the right input - but at the end of the day those two people have to sort out BIG differences.
Sometimes it's just a case of Dog person and Cat person clashing and there has to be give and take - strikes me he's doing all the taking and not even listening to your friend - let alone doing any giving.
A bit like Yorkster, when my daughter Diane met her hubby to be Jason - he was a dog person and she a cat person. But neither brought a pet into the relationship - mainly 'cos Diane was moving to America to marry Jason. After some months in a pet free zone Diane was getting very stressed and NEEDED a cat to cuddle and as they lived in a small apartment - with no room for a dog - a cat it was!! Just to say Jason is now the BIGGEST cat lover in the world and funnily enough - Tabitha (THE cat) adores her Daddy - they now have a house with much more space and they aren't even discussing getting a dog!
So you see every case is sooooo different and to hark back to the beginning the only two who can sort this out - are the two people concerned.
I think they have to roll up the rugs and talk like adults.


Lynne

[Pam]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by lynnestankard
[B]You know Thelma no one is going to sort this mess out apart from your girlfriend and her boyfriend! I've read this thread from beginning to end - twice! Everyone's giving the right input - but at the end of the day those two people have to sort out BIG differences.

Thelma I am not having a good feeling about the future of their relationship. We all know that there must be compromise when two people are sharing the same living quarters. If the boyfriend is making it known in advance that he doesn't like cats that would have been a giant red flag for me that perhaps he is not the one for me! My son's ex-wife brought a dog into the marriage that she had for 3-4 years and never properly housetrained. My son was constantly stepping into "mistakes" in the middle of the night and it caused many arguments. Although that is not the reason they eventually divorced I am sure those arguments were the springboard for some of the other issues. I think your friend probably has some unhappy days ahead. You are sweet to try and help her out but unfortunately she will make her own decisions and then have to live with them.

[madeguada]

Hellloooooo what is wrong with this guy?? well maybe what is wrong with your friend. Did I hear you saying that both ( I mean BOTH) are paying the apartment? well so it means she owns it too. Well so why can he bring his dog and be in peace and why she has to be scared if they piss the silly rugs.

Girl if they havent move together yet, and they have this kind of disagreement, what do you think will happen when they live together.

I have rugs too and actually I hate rugs, but for winter I am force to use them, well my cat is ripping them apart, and do I care? noo. Do I care she is destroying my sofas, the things is material things are replaceble, living creatures not.

Is very sad to give them away, or to leave them in a cage, it will be a punishment.

I am sure she is in a difficult situation because she is in love with him, but love is a matter of sharing, and when you share you get equal amounts :)
Ask herself if he will get rid of the dog if they make poo on them...
Well those were my 3 cents :)
Madeline

[C.C.'s Mom]

First: I would never ever even share a home with someone who doesn't like (my) pets, let alone really moving in together.

My first suggestion: dump the boyfriend, but that seems to be out of the question.

Maybe she can ask the boyfriend to have a very big cage for the dog too? If he thinks that's a stupid idea, he might get the picture.

If he doesn't like her cats, the cats won't like him either. Maybe she should really think about rehoming them somewhere nice and she can visit the cats sometimes? But making such a bit sacrifice already at the beginning... well, I don't think this works out.

[purrley]

This is NOT a match made in heaven - will never work out and I just pray she realizes it before her kitties get hurt:( :(

[Edwina's Secretary]

Help her rehome the kitties. She has already made her decision. She surely has known of his antipathy toward cats throughout the courtship and hoped -- as we so often do that "he would change." He hasn't and now it it time to do what is right for the cats -- find them a safe, secure, loving home -- where there won't "be trouble" when accidents happen.

[Karen]

I definately think they should work out a compromise. We know many people who "hated" animals until they were exposed to them more. If the dog and cats get along, shouldn't the people be able to?

I think the perfect solution has been put forth. When they first move in, keep his throw rugs rolled up for a while, until all the animals have adjusted to the new place.

And IF the kitties are piddling where they shouldn't still, well, don't chose that as a spot to put the rugs, when they are indeed put down. Also, once he sees that she does a good, efficient job of cleaning up her own rugs when a kitty makes a mistake, he won't be so stressed out.

I've heard a lot of worst-case scenarios. How about a "best-case" scenario? They move to this apartment, rugs are kept rolled up for a month. During this month, the cats begin to charm him. His dog and the cats get along, even begin to play a little. This charms him more.

He realizes that cats "are people,too." He loves the girlfriend, begins to love the cats. The cats, having adjusted to their new home, really aren't peeing on the carpet much any more.

He still likes his rugss, though she doesn't particularly. They agree to put a couple down in areas the cats don't tend to frequent. Cats explore, ignore. Life goes on happily for all.

[wolflady]

I still have to agree with everyone that the boyfriend has to go, especially after reading more about him:mad: But, I also do know that people like her feel like they are in love (either that or they feel that this is the best they can do for a mate...low self esteem possibly? A good girl friend of mine is in the same situation...I know she could do better, but she has just settled) and have to make sacrafices. However, in light of new information about Michael having a dog and such...this just says to me loud and clear that he will be the taker in this relationship. It's awsome that the cats get along with the dog! There's a huge hurdle right there that most people would have to deal with. The adjustment period of the cats getting used to the dog and vice versa. The key to any relationship is communication, and the fact that it's a two way street. Why should she have to give up her cats if he "hates" them. What if she hated dogs?? I also agree with the whole rug front...leave them curled up and put away until everyone has adjusted. A compromise like Karen suggested would be ideal, and it's always best to hope for the best possible situation of him being converted into a cat lover. If it doesn't look that promising, however...looking into rescue groups on behalf of the kittie's well being might be an option...
Let us know what happens! **hugs**

[yorkster]

This guy does not sound like someone who will compromise :(

A compromise is "hey honey, I'm not big on cats, but I know they are important to you, so let's give it a try and see how things work out. If there continues to be a problem, we will cross that bridge when and IF we get to it. Oh, and by-the-way, how do you feel about MY DOG?" :)

[AvaJoy]

It seems to me that a man who swears he hates cats will often times do a complete 360 once a cat touches his life . . . lets hope this applies to Michael.

[thelmalu99]

Thanks everybody, for you input. I have given Lori all of these suggestions (including the get rid of Michael one, LOL!). She likes the idea of rolling up the rugs and keeping them off the floors for a while. Let's hope it works.

Karen, I love your "best case scenario". I really hope that it turns out that way. My father has never liked cats, but when I got my first cat, Sydney, he slowly warmed up to him. Although dad has never been, and never will be one to cuddle with animals, he would play with Sydney, change the water in his bowl, etc. When Sydney went to the RB, dad cried. He likes Elvis and Danny, and when he comes over, he's always laughing at the silly things they do. I have even left them in my dad's care when I went away for the weekend. Let's hope that Molly and Molly can find a place in Michael's heart.

When I was talking to Lori yesterday, I suggested to her that she ask Michael how he would feel if she refused to accept his dog. She said that she already asked him, and his answer was, "If you didn't accept my dog, we could never be together." For the life of me, I can't understand how people like him refuse to put the shoe on the other foot. Seems to me like this is the way he will be about everything in their lives.

Another thing, Lori was telling me that today is Michael's dog's birthday. She's an old dog and she has arthritis, so Lori went out and had a beautiful fleece sweater made for her as a birthday present. That's the kind of person she is. It just kills me that she seems to be the one making all of the effort and he's just being a jerk. She could do so much better! I have to admit that I haven't always made the best decisions, either, but I guess when you're on the outside looking in, you can see things a bit more clearly.

In any case, I will follow this story closely and, if she does decide to rehome the kitties, I will offer all the help I can. I am prepared to contact the shelter that I got Elvis and Danny from, because at least I know that their screening process is very strict, and they are very honest with potential adopters about the cat's situation. Even after I already had Elvis and Danny home, I have contacted them with questions, and they have been very helpful and attentive.

Thanks everyone, again for bearing with me and reading my very long posts, and for offering your insight. As always, I really do appreciate your help.

Love you all, and have a great weekend!:) :)

[thelmalu99]

Hi everyone! Here I am with this topic again!

My co-worker that I mentioned in this post has been using the Feliway to try and keep her cats from peeing on her rug, and she LOVES it. She said that she has had the rug down for two days, and they have not peed on it!

I have a question for anyone who has used Feliway before...how often does she have to spray it? The directions on the website are sort of unclear, so I was wondering how often you sprayed it.

Thanks again for any input you are able to provide.:D :D

[purrley]

Thelma - this is interesting - I've never heard of Feliaway - we have a product called NO that is a pet repellant. I'd like to know more about this stuff.

[Mocha]

Oh dear I was so upset when i read this thread... perhaps it's not so much the cats but other unresolved issues that they have? (Sorry.. it's the therapist in me talking) I believe that apart from rolling up the rugs and seeing a vet etc. a couple has to accept each other (and that includes pets!) completely before living together. My hunch is that there are other issues that perhaps need to be sorted out. When he loves her for who she is and does not try to impose his standards on her (yes, I'm just guessing here - sorry) the cats really shouldn't be an issue. In fact, if i knew that my boyfriend had the same problem, i would try to help him take care of the kitties!! Good luck to your friend, and please keep us posted about the kitties, ok?

[thelmalu99]

Purrley, check out their website:

www.feliway.com

I heard about it here on Pet Talk, but I can't remember who posted about it. We were just wondering how often it needs to be sprayed. The instructions on the website aren't really clear. First, it says to apply daily, then it says maintenance spraying every three days. (??)

Anyway, she says that the stuff is really good.

[purrley]

Thanks Thelma - pretty pricey stuff isn't it.:(

[thelmalu99]

Purrley,
Yeah, it really is pricey! I was surprised myself! :eek:
The thing is that you use only one spray on the surface of the problem area. It's not like you have to soak the area with the product. It's still very expensive, but I guess it depends on how long the bottle will last you. If you have to buy one bottle per month, it's kind of expensive, but if a bottle lasts let's say three months, it's not so bad. I will ask Lori how long this first bottle lasts her and I will let you know. Are you having a problem with your kitties peeing where they shouldn't? Lori has been using it for a few days, and she says that so far so good. No peeing on the rug. :) We still have to know how often she has to spray, though. Maybe I'll start a new thread, specifically asking about the Feliway. In any case, if I find anything out, I will let you know.

Have a great weekend,
Thelma

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

I am sorry for the kitties!!! Maybe this boyfriend of your friends has never lived with a cat before. Anyone I have ever known who never knew a cat FELL IN LOVE WITH THEM as soon as they lived with one. Like my husband ( he got me a kitten for christmas ) and he tells me just about every day how much fun a cat can be! If her boyfriend really cares for her he will suck it up, roll up his rugs and give the kitties a shot. At least try all the options. Cat Fancy magazine suggest some products that deture precious kitties from peing in places they shouldn't. Maybe in that time he will come to his sences and realize that It is hard to get angry at a cute little kitties mistake =^..^= !!

[thelmalu99]

Thanks, Sara! I'm hoping that Mr. Boyfriend will realize that kitties are wonderful to have in your life! Even my dad, who always said that he was a cat-hater, realized that cats are terrific thanks to my first cat, Sydney. He really charmed the socks off of my dad, and I'm hoping that this is what willl happen in this case. The kitties just need a chance!!
I also hope that this guy will realize that, if he loves his girlfriend, he needs to give her babies a chance and accept that they are a part of the package. Maybe I'm too optimistic, but I truly believe that people can accept something that they have never known and learn to love it. Hey, this is life...we live and we learn, right?
Thanks for suggesting Cat Fancy magazine! I will pick up a copy and see if there are any suggestions that can be helpful.
In the meantime, please give your sweet little Tinky a kiss and a snuggle from me!:)

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

Hi Thelmalu
If you have never read Cat Fancy magazine, I like it a lot. It has a lot of neat stories and A LOT of articles full of stuff for our wonderful purrbabies. Maybe I'm too optimistic too but I hope the boyfriend falls in love with the kitties and all can live happily ever after. After all I can't imagine anyone spending time with a cat or two cats (wich is even better cause two kitties can be such a fun show to watch) and not fall in love. I will gladly give Tinky a snuggle for you ( as I would anyway I'm totally addicted to her) and please give Elvis and Jack daniel some X's and O's for me, and I hope everything goes will for your friend and her kitties :) :) .

[lbaker]

Roll the boyfriend up in the carpets and toss them together:mad: :mad: sorry, first time I've had time to post in two weeks and that's all I can come up with:o
laurie

[thelmalu99]

LOL, Laurie!! I know what you're saying. In fact, everyone I ask for advice seems to feel the way you do! (So do I, as a matter of fact!)

[BigCharles]

We finally solved our carpet problem. Got rid of the carpet. The mold that was growing under the carpet pad was so bad that i stained the wood planks.

We just had the floors sanded and coated. The black stains would not come out even with dumping Clorox right on them.

If the carpets were not changed when they moved into the new apartment then it is not the fault of the cats. There could be old smells from previous occupants and the cats are trying to mask them with their own smell. This happened to us. Fifi used to dump and pee in the same spots over and over. When we got the carpet up we found growing mold right in those spots.

We were about to get rid of Fifi because she was using the carpet instead of the litter box. It broke our hearts. Those spots were so bad that you could smell the difference even after they had been triple sanded and double bleached. Those smells are now buried under two heavy coats of poly-urathane.

It now looks like we have hundred year old Oak flooring. Actually fixingthe problem the RIGHT way has dramtically increased the value of the house. Thanks, Fifi. :D ;)

[purrley]

:D :D :D ibaker - excellent idea!!! Couldn't be put any easier or any more practical - I love it;)