Weighing on my mind

[catnapper]

As some of you might know, I have a teenager step-daughter that has been getting into trouble. Our relationship has plummeted since the last escapade... I am sure everything she says will be a lie, and she is sure everything I say will be criticism. Hubby is doing NOTHING to help here. He's afraid of choosing sides, so stands idly by while we "duke it out".

Well, its gotten to the point where she blatantly ignores me and won't even acknowledge me. Which, in some circumstances might be ok.... give her time to think and move on. BUT she's not moving on. Its getting worse. And the more distant she becomes, the more hurt I get, and the more mad I get at her actions.

Hubby's taking college courses this summer, and won't be home at all. I will be responsible for picking her up from swimming practice every day. Do you know what that car ride's like? A knife could cut through the silent tension. Then he's also taking a few courses out of town -- leaving her and me ALONE in the house for a week. I jokingly told hubby not to be surprised to come home with only one of us left standing.

ANY ideas on how I can make things better? I'm TRYING (and failing) to bite my tongue and ignore all the things I see. Everywhere I look, I catch her in another lie. Hubby says she's lying because she's afraid to tell the truth. Yeah, whatever to that one!

I thought perhaps if I took her for her permit and then susequently teach her to drive that perhaps we'd get better... but she WON'T talk to me. How can I teach a person to drive who won't even say "hello" to me when I say hi to her in the mornings? AND if I just decide to get her permit, thats me breaking a punishment she had from her last escapade. She knows what the terms are for her geting her permit: talking to me. If I allow her to get her permit, I'd be letting her get away with not talking to me. Follow that? Essentially, after her last bad deed (won't go into it here) she fliped out and back talked too much and went over the line. Hubby saw where it was going and told her that IF she wanted to drive, the ONLY way she'd be able to do so was to talk with me and adjust her attitude. Oh, she adjusted her attitude alright... adjusted it to completely and totally ignoring me :(

Sigh, I'm totally at a loss here. Its making me so sad and I feel lost. I don't understand WHY she does what she does. Perhas if I understood why, I'd be ok. If she would talk to us and be open about her feelings... then I'd know where to go. She has completely closed down. The only time she talks to us is when she needs something, and for that she goes to "daddy" Not "Dad" but "daddy" because she knows how well it works on hubby. And she says it in a sweet little girl tone. Gosh is he a sucker! :D LOL

Sorry this is so long. I really am upset and don't know what to do. I've just been so busy with work, and this is been in the background for weeks... I just don't feel the same enjoyment in anything anymore. I am just so tired and defeated feeling.

[carole]

Aww kim I can't really offer much advice as I have never been a step mother, but I sure can understand your pain, you sound a really great person, and you try so hard, sometimes no matter what you do , it just never is enough , so it seems.

As for hubby he needs to get more back-bone and support you more, you should at least talk about it together when she is not around and decide on which direction you both will take with her, whether it is tough love or whatever, hubby needs to realise it is not about choosing between either of you, and that it is ok to discipline his daughter, she will not love him any less, just hate him a bit as all teenagers do, I do understand this problem as my own husband is like that, he is too easy on our daughter,and saying NO is almost too hard for him when it comes to her, it does create problems for the child and between the parents, even though I am the Bad Cop, Melissa loves me just the same.

Funny thing is my Hubby was very hard on my son,too much so, it was all new to him and he was trying his best, and I did not stand up enough and did not want to upset the apple cart, I guess I was afraid my marriage would not make it through if I did, I don't think any of it really harmed my son, he was never abusive to him or anything, but his expectations were too high, as far as behaviour went, and with my daughter it is exactly the opposite, I think it is because of the gender difference, I am glad he has never raised a hand to her or anything, but I would like my husband to be more of a disiplinary sometimes, sorry don't mean to make this thread about me,but just thought you might beable to relate to some of this stuff too.

Most of all you need hubby's support here on how to handle your step daughter.

[carole]

Ya know Kim some daughter's just know how to wrap their Daddy's around their little finger, never worked for me with my Dad.;)

[catnapper]

Carole, don not worry about your reply! It was not about you per se, but how you relate the the cirumstances. I appreciate that.

Sometimes I feel hubby can not say no because of guilt he still feels for all those years he was away overseas in the Navy before the divorce, and then being away working 60 hours a week to make ends meet as a single dad. He denies feeling guilty of course, but I still think guilt is there.

And YES, he always plays "good cop" and I get to be "bad cop". I never wanted to be bad cop, but thats the role I am forced to play when I see her getting away with everything. Even my youngest (15) says "dad, you gotta put your foot down!" Pretty bad when the younger sister plainly tells dad he's too soft!

[caseysmom]

Sounds like you've got her number and she knows it. She doesn't like it that she can't fool you or baby talk you, you have a backbone and she doesn't like it.

Hold your ground, tell her your her mother whether its in blood or not and she will not get the privelige of driving until she treats you with respect...thats what I would do anyway.

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

Originally posted by caseysmom
Sounds like you've got her number and she knows it. She doesn't like it that she can't fool you or baby talk you, you have a backbone and she doesn't like it.

Hold your ground, tell her your her mother whether its in blood or not and she will not get the privelige of driving until she treats you with respect...thats what I would do anyway.

I agree 100% here!! I admire you for not giving in! You are in the right!! I would try to "force" your hubby into a serious conversation about this. He must realise by now how serious this is getting. First he has to show your daughter he supports you in every way. Then he should try to have a long talk to her, ALONE (under 4 eyes).
I truly hope this will get better for you. We've had many issues with our son, and it was also killing my heart...:(

(((((HUGS)))))

[Barbara]

Kim, I am so sorry for you. What a terrible terrible situation you are in.

First thing: I would not teach her driving. It really is the wrong message. "If you get into trouble it isn't your mistake and responsability, you even will get benefits from it."

Next thing: She is your hubby's daughter in the first range. I admire that you can see her fully as your daughter too- I never managed that with my stepdaughter. Apart from that it is unfair to both of you if your husband just stands there not wanting to get into it and goes away for months.

The ones who would need a break from each other are you and your daughter.

It is important to work that out with your husband first. Your daughter now gets a benefit from the fact that your husband and you don't talk with one voice- that is really bad.

If the situation is really stuck you may need professional help to solve it.

All the best for you. Keeping my fingers crossed.

[jenluckenbach]

What I would really do and what I think YOU should do are 2 different things.

You MUST confront Grant! If the 2 of you as a married couple cannot be on the same side, then something is definitely wrong. You may not be able to force him to agree with your side 100% but there certainly must be a happy medium that you can both agree upon. Then stick by it, no ifs ands or buts.

Grant is the one with the problem and you are the one getting hurt. It makes my blood boil. :mad:

To be honest, I am not much help :(. I would not be able to deal with your situation. Sorry.

[catnapper]

United front... HA! It won't happen unless I shut up and ignore everyting and just let her make her own mistakes. I suppose I should, but I can't help but stop her from making harmful choices!
Unfortunately this is not seen as me caring, but seen as me being a mean and hurtful person who is just on the lookout for her to mess up. Truly this is not the case!

I DID talk to hubby last night. His opinion? She and I need ot work it out and both stop being so stubborn (his favorite phrase when it gets this bad) and we both need to "grow up" -- no... HE needs to step in and tell his DAUGHTER what's going to happen. I was floored when he said that. He just can't say no to her and he can't punish her. I think he's physically unable to. She's always been his little girl and he can't seem to do anything to make her hate him even the littleest bit.

Counseling is completely out. He won't even hear of it. I've TRIED for 4 years with her. We were close last year, if she did one more stupid thing at the time, we would have gone. He was so fed up with her, then she straightened out for a few months. So then he forgot.

[jenluckenbach]

Originally posted by catnapper
United front... HA! It won't happen unless I shut up and ignore everyting and just let her make her own mistakes.

Well, then maybe you SHOULD just shut up and let her get into some serious trouble! Sorry, but she is not a little girl. If she were a young child I would never say that, but she is certainly old enough to be able to face the consequences of her stupidity. It isn't like you didn't try.

[Corinna]

You all may not care for my solution but how about sending her back to her Mom . (if possible) My girl freind had the same problem. The girl got sick (not physically) of her irrepossable mom and the father missed her so much that they saw my freind was right. She unfortanatly had to threaten to leave him if he didn't send her a way. The girl did realize that my freind loved her and told her she was sorry. Also did to the sibling too.
It's not fair for you to have to be the "bad cop" it is also not good if the other kids are seeing how they could get away with this stuff too. I wouldn't let her get her permit(how much farther will she roam to get in to trouble?) Keeping that right of passage is a reward not a right. If she's treating you all so bad ask your self why would you want to reward that bad behavior.
Sorry I sound harsh but after seeing freinds and relitives go though this stuff I have held to many crying freinds .
Hubby having a step dad says if they had pulled any of the stuff you have told us about he'd have been dead meat and NEVER gotten a license living in the family home.
Just my veiw point take it for what is worth.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

Looks like hubby dearest is getting away scot-free scuttling off to avoid sorting out HIS child! Time he put his foot down and backed you 100% - after all he is leaving her in your care!

[Barbara]

I am afraid I see it similarly to Corinna. If it continues like that I see your marriage threatened.

I can understand that he loves his daughter and would not want to destroy his good relationship to her- but how about his relationship to you?

It is not possible in a triangle like that just to say "The two of you work it out". He is part of the problem- so he needs to be part of the solution too. Men :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

If counseling is out of discussion then a separation may be the best solution for everybody.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by catnapper
[B]United front... HA! It won't happen unless I shut up and ignore everyting and just let her make her own mistakes. I suppose I should, but I can't help but stop her from making harmful choices!

I did this with my step-daughter - she made some horrendous mistakes (I refused to collect her from the police station on one occasion and insisted they rang her Dad) but she now comes to me first with any problems she may have........for your own sanity, back away and make her face the consquences of her own actions. Having said that I now have 2 step-grandchildren so I guess she has learned the very hard way :confused:

[finn's mom]

Could she go to a camp or something? Not a boot camp, although that might be in order. ;) Just a camp that would give you two some time apart, while your husband is away. And, maybe just counseling for you and your step daughter. I mean, it would be better if it was the three of you, but, if your husband won't agree to it, then, maybe just you and her. It might help some. Just to have a referee, of sorts. It may help you find out why she's acting the way she is. And, just a question, does she throw that cliche out...but, you're not my mother...? Just curious. I hate that your husband is not helping you at all, that sucks. :( But, I wouldn't teach her to drive, that's for sure.

[catnapper]

I talked to her today. She SWEARS that nothing's wrong and she's just not talkative, and that she doesn't talk to dad either. True... you should have seen/heard their conversation last night. It was actually rather funny to hear the conversation
hubby asked "So, how was work?
Her answer "fine."
Hubby tried again "Did you get any kids in trouble?" (she's a life guard)
Her answer: No
Hubby: You going to say anything with more than one syllable?
Her: ERG! (in a frustrated high picthed tone)
Hubby: Ok, what do you want to talk about?
Her: NOTHING! Leave me alone.... stomop stomp stomp up the steps

During my talk today, I rehearsed it a hundred times what I'd say. I did really good for the first two minutes... then I started to cry. Yeah, some big meanie I am! :rolleyes: I dropped her off at home. Apparently I should have dropped her off at work... did she TELL me? No... when she didn't come in the house I looked outside and she was halfway down the block headed towards work. I guess my little tak/cry had no effect on her. :o

I'd LOVE to send her back home to mom... if mom would take her. Mom won't even send birthday cards or call. They don't even get Christmas gifts from her. We know from experience that sometimes seeing how life is with omeone else is worse than home. Last summer, my son was going through a stage where laziness was taken to new heights. We sent him out of state for the summer to a relative and would NOT bring him home no matter how much he begged. What a difference that made! WOW. We discussed it, and there's nowhere we can send her. Nobody was willing to take her for the summer, except one sister in law, and since we've had a falling out since her offer, she won't take her now. (we're still trying to figure out what we didwrong, but apparently we hurt that sister badly :confused: )

[moosmom]

Kim,

WOW!!! Your situation brings back SO many memories of my relationship with MY stepmother. But, that's an entirely different story.

Caseysmom is right. You've got her number and she knows it and I'm SURE doesn't like it. She's playing you like a fine violin. You need to sit her down, tell her regardless of how she feels about you, you are still her mother, and she is to treat you with the respect you deserve. PERIOD!

Then I would tell hubby to grow a backbone and discipline his kid. She's got him wrapped around her little finger, it's obvious.

Maybe Brody's Mom is right. Give her a dose of her own medicine and don't talk to her. Eventually she'll have to make her own mistakes, falling down as she goes. It's a little bit of "tough love", I guess.

I wouldn't wish this kind of problem on anyone! I'm sorry you've been put in the middle. Stay strong, Kim. Things will work out, no matter how bad they look right now.

[catnapper]

Originally posted by finn's mom
And, just a question, does she throw that cliche out...but, you're not my mother...?

LOL.. she tried it ONCE. She didn't get the hurt reaction she expected... I laughed and told her "Damn good thing I'm not, isn't it?"

I keep appologising to my mom for anything I may have done as a teenager to make her pull her hair out! :D I hope and pray that SOME day she'll have kids of her on and realize why I do some of the things I do. I seriously hope she has step kids so she gets the full dose of what its like. ;) :D

My brother used to always think my stepdad was a cold, heartless, unloving man. I always told him that he had dad pegged wrong. Then something happened: he had a kid of his own. Now he thnks dad is an amazing man. Funny how one thing can change your whole perspective. (BTW, my stepdad IS my dad... my real father is nothing more than a sperm donor to me.)

[finn's mom]

Originally posted by catnapper
(BTW, my stepdad IS my dad... my real father is nothing more than a sperm donor to me.)

My step dad is my dad, too. :) My dad was more than a sperm donor, but, my step dad is amazing. I was lucky to have two great dads for a few years. My dad died when I was nine. My mom and step dad had been married about three years already. But, anyway....maybe your step daughter just doesn't feel like she can open up to or trust parents, especially if her mom doesn't even contact her. There are so many things that are probably in her head, and, in her heart. Something will have to happen that will break her walls down.

[Karen]

Ask her, if she doesn't like to talk, whether she'd be more comfortable writing things down? Maybe buy a journal or note book, write this message in it with whatever you want to say to her, and ask her that she write a response, and give it back to you. You can try that, trading off turns, ask her if there's anything she'd like to ask/tell you ...

Reinforce that if you didn't love her, you wouldn't care. But you do, so you do care, and want to help her.

Reinforce that you will always love her, that will not change, and you will always be part of her life. BUT that she needs to learn her actions have consequences, and you are not going to be a doormat. There's a difference.

Is there anywhere she could do community service this summer, maybe working with either disadvantaged children or the elderly? Something that would a - help her school transcript for later, count toward graduation if her school has a CS credit, and might lend some perspective to her existence, help her see beyond the end of her own nose?

Even if she doesn't know it now, you are being a better parent to her than the two responsible for her birth. She may already know that in her heart, if she doesn;t, she will some day.

[catnapper]

Karen, we have done everything you listed. Last summer was the journal. She did not take to it. Funny thing was my son did, and I was surprised to see he still kept writing long past summer. The summer beofre last was where she had to do community service at the local retirement home. All that taught her was old men are sly creatures (she said they all pinched her butt! :D )

She actually does have two jobs this summer- lifegaurding at the pool and at the local ice cream shop where she worked last summer and all school year. She got my youngest daughter a job there this summer too.

We've tried so many things with her. Sigh.

[lizbud]

While I would not comment on your family problems with your
step daughter, I will say one thing. I feel very sorry for this child.
She has an emotionally distant Father & a Mother who doesn't
love her. How sad is that?:( The teenage years are hard without
a strong support system at home.

[catnapper]

Originally posted by lizbud
While I would not comment on your family problems with your
step daughter, I will say one thing. I feel very sorry for this child.
She has an emotionally distant Father & a Mother who doesn't
love her. How sad is that?:( The teenage years are hard without
a strong support system at home.
I sure hope you're referring to her BIRTH mother as not loving her. Because I Love that kid tremendously. If I did not, I would just sit back and let her screw up her life doing god knows what and not care one fig. As for my husband, he is the most loving and compassionate father I've ver met -- thats how I fell in love with him -- seeing how much his kids meant to him.

She HAS a support system. At home, and with other family members. SHE chooses not to open up and utilize her opportunities to talk. WHICH IS MY WHOLE DILEMMA.

Its sad that you are taking my heartache and turning into fuel for fire. If I thought she was not worth the fight then I would have left a loonnnng time ago. Being a step parent is a zillion times harder than a birth parent because you have to deal with the child's preconception of you, their emotional scars from the deterioration of their real parent's relationship, the courts system's total blindness toward you (stepparents have NO legal rights whatsoever in the court system), and the relationship of the missing parent, ON TOP of all the other parenting duties you might ordinarily face. PLUS... its unspoken, but always there in the minds of all involved: I am NOT their mother. Which is fine, I accept that. But I won't ever accept that they are not loved by me or my husband.

[jenluckenbach]

Kim, I can see that Lizbud meant the biological mother. And she is probably refering to Grant's inability to discipline (which in its own way, IS emotionally distant).

Persoanlly, I think you are doing just about everything RIGHT! But If Grant (as the father and biological parent) won't do his part, your part will NEVER be looked upon as anything but cruelty.

You NEED to get this through to him. THAT is where you should be focusing your energy (and anger).

[Logan]

Kim, I think maybe you misinterpreted what Liz was trying to say. I didn't take from her comments that she was talking about "you" at all, but about her mother's indifference and what I interpret to be a lack of fathering from her dad (not lack of love). I am not trying to put words in Liz's mouth, but that's the way I interpreted it when I read it.

I, personally, do not know how you do it, day to day, with an indifferent child. I do view your situation as that you ARE her mother, not her step-mother, especially since her birth mother is not involved in her life at all. Sometimes, I think that no matter what a parent or step-parent does, it just doesn't work with some kids. Isn't that sad? :( Some kids just can't recognize or don't want to recognize love and care. I think I would have to play her game. Be pleasant, provide food and shelter for her, and a ride to work if that's your agreement. But beyond that, I wouldn't even try to discuss it again. Leave her alone for a while, but continue to maintain the family rules that have been established. Don't allow her words or lack of them to hurt you anymore by trying so hard. Expend your energy and love on the children who want it right now and let this girl have some time to herself if that's what she seems to want.

I do wish you the very best of luck with this situation. It has to be stressful on your marriage to be put in the middle of this situation. It is hard!!! And I feel for you all, including your husband, who wants to be the "good" guy to everyone.

With best intentions,
Logan

Edit: I would NOT change your mind about the permit until she has earned the right, Kim. (Just sent you a PM with some personal thoughts, too)

[finn's mom]

I agree to the last two posts, I didn't want to seem like I was putting words in liz's mouth either. but, that's how I read her post, too, i just couldn't think of the right way to say it. and, as for her saying your husband is emotionally distant, it's just based on what you've told us as far as he won't do anything to help the situation. i hope you're able to talk to him so that YOU can have the support YOU need.

[Mad Mags Moo]

Hi Kim!
Just been reading all this through and i have no experience what so ever with kids or step parents etc but I think you are the best mum that this girl has and you are doing a great job. Grant really should try and support you more.....united together and you could get through the barricade and get somewhere together.
I would not give her driving lessons....big mistake.....never teach a loved one how to drive...learned that the hard way...that is why i still have to get my car licence! Dad (god rest his soul) tried to teach me to drive....gave up after i tried to kill us both...got a wee bit confused with brake and go faster pedal!!!
It sounds to me as if you have tried everything to get this very ungrateful girl (and she is ungrateful) to listen, understand and co operate. So maybe it is time for tough love.....just tell her that you love her as if she was your own daughter but now she has to find her own way in the world and just leave her to her own devices. Let her make mistakes and just be there if or when the shit hits the fan and more importantly get Grant to be on the same wavelength.
Not sure how easy this is to put into practice but maybe it is time that you just kick back and just say fine you know best....go ahead but I will always be here for you and you know where i will be if you need me.
Is that any good Kim? Mmmm now i see why i don't have kids!!!!
Good luck and will be thinking of you.

[carole]

Kim I would imagine step-parenting to be the hardest job in the world, I have never had to do it but hubby has, although my son is legally adopted by my husband from the age of Ten, both my son's and husbands choice.

I can only relate to being the biological parent, I know at times I am very defensive of my son, if my hubby say's things against him, even if they are true, I try not to do it, but it is just natural, whereas because Melissa is his biological daughter the problem never arises, sometimes I take things negatively, and really hubby was not meaning it that way.

I think unless Hubby can really see his faults ,nothing much will change, he is your best bet, if you want a turn around, and from the sounds of it you are beating your head against a brick wall, but keep trying to communicate with him and get through to him, that you cannot do it alone and cope with it all by yourself.

It is obvious you love this girl as if she were your own, as you say why would you even bother to care, take time here to ask for advice if you did not, she is a very lucky young lady, she just does not realise it.

She does sound like she is reacting the way she does, because she has some emotional turmoil going on inside, probably due to the lack of love shown from her REAL mother, a counsellor once told me something regarding my son, although I told him that his father and I separated mutually,that just does not make things all right for him, he still feels competely abandoned by his natural father, and feels that he owes him, even if it is only monetary, this is something I never really thought about, she probably feels exactly the same, apparently it is a normal reaction for children , where one parent is absent.

Kim I hope some of this helps,I can hear your pain sweetie,and feel for you so much, it is a battle, that I hope you can win. GOOD LUCK.:)

[caseysmom]

In Kim's husband's defense, I think it is hard for men with their girls. My husband is having a hard time with our boy crazy 14 year old, I think they remember how they were as hormone crazed boys and it scares them. I think they at least in my hubby's case its easier if I handle it, they just don't know how to deal with it.

[carole]

I agree to a certain extent what you are saying Caseymom, but I am afraid it is an easy cop out, Kim needs the emotional support and he just has to step up to the mark IMO, otherwise Kim will just not beable to cope, and that is hardly fair on her.

As I pointed out I can relate, my own hubby is extremely soft on our daughter and it does create problems, not only for her, but between us,she knows Dad is a soft touch,as does Kim's stepdaughter, it gets tiring playing bad cop all the time, it just completely drains you, she needs his support and that is all there is to it IMO.

[Corinna]

Kim I wish you guys would consider the outward bound program It's simular to what you diid with son, but it challanges the teen to "servive " but doing some really tough things such as hikes, rope climb and outdoor stuff. they get their confadance and learn how to communicate. I'll try to find the web site. One of my girl freinds was a guide and instructor for 15 years says she never had a teen not be changed after completeing the program .
www.outwardbound.com I thing if $$$$ is a problem they have scholarships, but how much is it worth to get her going on the right path?

[carole]

Is it similar to BRAT CAMP,? that was an awesome show, with British children in Utah, they had it tough, but it changed a lot of them, would love to see something similar in my country, but alas it does not exist.

[catnapper]

Thanks again guys....

As for hubby, I suppose I should explain that his fear is making her feel that he also abandoned her. He thinks if he takes my side, then in her mind he has abandoned her. He's desperately afraid to take sides. If he sides with her, he knows its wrong because its not helping her at all, and he knows he'll catch the devil with me. If he sides with me he's going to appear like he's taking my side and not considering her feelings at all. He's basically paralized and frozen in spot.

He tried talking to her again tonight... I sure do feel better realizing its not just ME!

[Fox-Gal]

Your living my old life, I was a step-Mother to 2 for 18 years, a son and daughter. I also had a husband/father that did little to nothing, because of his guilt of the divorce and the few years his children lived with their mother and her new drug dealer of a husband. Somehow he thought it was his fault, for not knowing, that this man, was a big dealer, till after a few years of them living with him.

So I became the hard step-Mother, my husband the softy!! There was a lot of fights/anger with my 2, for a few years. But I would not give in on what I believed was right, for them to grow up to be the adults they should be. And finally after a awhile, when my husband saw the signs that, my way was working, he slowly came around, to realized that being firm with children, didn't mean, that they would love him any less. Sense in the end, his daughter and I became closer, then she ever has been with him............And I was the Meany for years.

But even as the mean old step-mother, I always told them I loved them, even when I sent them to their room and I wanted to kill them. I believed they needed to know, even in the heat of a fight, my love for them stayed the same.......Strong.

Don't give in. Once you give in, once, she will expect it again and again. If you show her, that your values/beliefs can be compromised, just so she will talk to you, or whatever, What have you just taught her??

Second, What I ended up having to do, is put a lot of things on my husband, even if he didn't have the time. Yes he got upset with me. We fought over it. But as I told him, they are your children too and if you can't help me with the problems, where we work together, as parents, then I'm turning the problem over to you and walking away. A few weeks of that and he decided to find a compromise with me. :)

As for the not talking to you and the evil looks. grunts etc. I know they hurt and you hate it. It makes day to day life a strain. But don't let it get to you, if you can. No mother died of evil looks or of quiet rides in a car, slammed doors etc. It will pass, if you stay strong.

Your goal as a parent is not to be their friend, even though it's would be nice. Our goal is to raise them to be adults, that we can be proud of. You have to think long term. Short term, she might hate you and make life he#, for awhile. Long term, you stick to your guns and fingers crossed, you will have a young woman, you can be proud to say, you raised.

My step-son, now has a wonderfully home in Tenn, owns his own Biz and has 2 perfect children.
My step-Daughter, is now living in Kentucky, runs a store up there as well as helps out at the children's hospital and is married to a great guy.

Two children that I am PROUD to say I raised. So all those years of crying, fighting, slamming doors and even a run away, or two, was worth it......in the long run.

So my advice to you, is think long term, stay strong and don't give in. But in all that's going on, don't forget to tell her you love her, even when she giving you those looks of "I hate you"

[Fox-Gal]

Originally posted by Corinna
Kim I wish you guys would consider the outward bound program It's simular to what you diid with son, but it challanges the teen to "servive " but doing some really tough things such as hikes, rope climb and outdoor stuff. they get their confadance and learn how to communicate. I'll try to find the web site. One of my girl freinds was a guide and instructor for 15 years says she never had a teen not be changed after completeing the program .
www.outwardbound.com I thing if $$$$ is a problem they have scholarships, but how much is it worth to get her going on the right path?

I have two boy, here at the house right now that did that and to hear them talk about it, it's was the greatest thing. One wear's his t-shirt with pride, and shows it to everyone..........it's so funny, but it also shows how much pride he has in going there.

[lizbud]

It was pretty clearly stated that this girl is your step child who
has a Mom who didn't look out for her welfare at all. Sorry if
that wasn't made clear for you. I don't think you don't care.

It's just that the thing that struck me about the situation was
the facts of this child's life are so sad. She seems like a very unhappy kid.:( How must she feel about herself & life in general
if her Dad won't participate in her parenting, except to "pat her
on the head" and go on his way.I don't have answers to give,
but just felt sad about how awful it would feel if your own Mom
didn't love you. I can think of few things sadder than that.:(

I do hope you can maybe get some family theraphy or what
ever you need to get this worked out. Good luck, of course.:)

[carole]

Lizbud although I feel the child obviously has some emotional issues regarding abandonment by her natural birth mother, she has a very loving mother in Kim and her real dad, I don't really feel her life is that sad, infact i think she is exceptionally lucky to have someone as caring as Kim, she just does not see that.

It does affect the child, in my mind there is no doubt, as I have seen it with my own son, more like an anger inside of them, but all the same my own son has had a good upbringing, a mother who loved him and a father who although not his natural father, he could not wish for better.

I think it is too darn easy to blame it all on this alone, she is just giving her parents a hard time right now, probably no different to any other rebellious teenager, it is just we tend to let them off because of other circumstances.

I support Kim 100 per cent here, now she just needs hubby to do the same, I can well understand he feels like piggy in the middle, but all kids need and actually want discipline, once he gets the hang of it, he will see it works and no longer need to feel guilty, tell him Kim he should feel more guilty about letting her away with things, which will in the long run only be detrimental to her well-being.

Now if only I could get my own hubby to discipline his child more. ho hum.

Kim my hubby is like your's in the fact he is a kind, caring loving Dad, he just hates to be the disciplinary parent, it is mostly my job, and it does become tiring doesn't it?

[catnapper]

Lizbud, I'm sorry if I misread your words. I am beyond emotionally frazzled over the whole situation. I over-reacted, and I'm sorry. I get tired of people discounting my feelings since I am a evil-step-monster, and thinking that I don't care because I am the one who catches her in all her lies. People think that because I catch the lies that I'm looking for them, and I'm going to extra lengths to snag her doing something wrong. I'm not! I swear! I know now thats not your intention, but believe me, I've heard my share of it elsewhere.

Regarding my husband, my goodness, he is definately NOT the pat on the back and send her on her way dad. He does EVERYTHING he can to make EACH and EVERY one of her swim meets. Even when she pointedly ignores him during and after the meets. If you've ever been to swim meet... its pure three hours of torture but he does it to watch her swim that 5 minutes. He even held off his own education til if he doesn't finish a mandatory 24 credits by December, he'll permanently loose his teaching certificate just so he could spend as much time with the kids and their activities as possible. He TRIES to sit down with her, and researching colleges, and calling college coaches on her behalf, but she pushes him away. Last year when she acted up, we felt it was because she was jeaous that we were spending so much time with our son contacting colleges... now its her turn and she doesn't want our attention and help in the college search. We continually reach out to her and she continually pushes us back.

[Logan]

Kim, I got your situation and Libby's situation confused. Now I know why I thought you had been with your stepchildren for a long, long time, not just 4 years. Sorry about that! :) I think you are both saints to have stepped in when you did, though.

Logan

[Pawsitive Thinking]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by catnapper
[B]

"As for hubby, I suppose I should explain that his fear is making her feel that he also abandoned her. He thinks if he takes my side, then in her mind he has abandoned her. He's desperately afraid to take sides"


It's not a case of taking sides for or against your step-daughter - its showing a united front when it comes to the sort of behaviour that you and her Dad expect from her. Easy to say, I know, and virtually impossible to get through to a stubborn stepkid! Echoing what a lot of PT ers have already said, she is a very lucky girl to have you looking out for her and one day she will appreciate you for it (even if its not until her kids are putting her through the same thing)!

I would say that you must make time for you - an hour or so with a friend away from the house where you can concentrate on enjoying yourself........there were times when it was that hour with my mates that kept me sane and step-daughter still breathing!!! ;)

[catnapper]

Sometimes I wish I COULD get away more. I work from home... and the majority of problems started with my unemployment and me being home all the time. I started noticing things I never noticed before because now I'm home and everything I see is day in day out and I notice immediately if something's out of place, missing, etc. Needless to say, I'd catch her doing sneaky stuff because I'd notice things amiss. Things a parent working away from home would never catch. Boy, she looks at me like "HOW'D you notice THAT?" And I don't know myself. Observant?

I do get out and I finally have my own set of friends around me. Thank God. Without a support network, I'd be completely insane by now. Even though my friends can't relate -- either childless, with young babies, or their kids are grown and married.... they still help listen to me vent! :D

[finn's mom]

I'm glad to hear that you have a support group. :) That's so important. I wish there was something we could do to help out. I hope it's just an ugly, gawky teenage phase she's going through. I just wonder what's going on in her head, ya know? I hope she opens up to you guys soon.